Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day Three

Bear Grylls and Les Stroud are being pushed to their limits to answer one question: Who is the ultimate Survivor?

Our heroes are eager to finally greet the rising sun after an all too long night #2. Mr. Stroud had a hard time sleeping after the horrible fire incident, and Mr. Grylls spent most of the night fending off dozens of snow monkeys before finally putting two and two together, and ridding himself of that banana suit. Little do they know that Discovery Channel producers are about to throw another monkey wrench into the mix.

Bear: Ugggghhh…last night was not ideal. I had to spend the entire night under attack by monkeys. Fortunately, I was able to fight them off with My new Bayley™ Knife! It’s a knife made out of the toughest steel!

Les: What are you doing?

Bear: Self-promotion. The Survive-Off doesn’t pay for itself, you–wait a minute…

(rustling and audible human voices can be heard in the distant bushes)

Bear: Who in bloody hell is that?

(A tall, middle-aged Western man with a camera crew emerges)

Bear: (eyes widen in horror, then they roll) Oh s—. What’s this bloke doing here? What are the odds?

Les: Who’s that?

Bear: Ray Mears. He’s my mortal enemy in England on the Beeb. He thinks he’s some kind of survivalist because he and his professor companion are scholarly, and they make cute little knapsacks out of willow branches, comfy sleeping bags from the leaves and clean themselves with the pretty flowers. That’s not surviving, that’s some gay retreat. Real men survive by taking naps in deer carcasses, taking baths in cold, foul goop, and snapping rabbit’s necks with their bare hands. His kind of survival is for pu–

Ray Mears: Hey guys!

Bear: Hey, Ray! Fancy seeing you here! What brings you the North of Japan?

Ray: You know, just…enjoying the sights.

Bear: Come on now. This is no coincidence.

Ray: All right…well, The BBC says there isn’t enough pizzazz with the Survive-Off’s current format, because Les over here isn’t a face that many Britons recognize. So they’ve decided to temporarily throw me into this whole mess, for the British audiences.

Bear: Oh, bloody hell.

Les: Who’s you’re creepy old friend, eh?

Ray: Why, that’s professor Gordon Hillman. He specializes in archeobotany at London’s University College.

Gordon: Hehhhhhhhh!

Bear: Well, baldy, it looks like you have a new toy to play with instead of that rusty suppository you always take with you. HA!

Les: Heh heh, yeah… (chuckles uncomfortably, looks at Gordon)

Gordon: (stares at him seductively)

Les: (shivers in disgust)

———————————————

Ray: So, where do we go from here?

Bear: The hell if I’m going to tell you.

Ray: Hey, be more considerate, this is survival here! Why don’t you tell me, Les?

Les: Well, uh…we fell down this cliff not far from camp, where we were dropped off by the crew…so, uh, I was thinking we should, um, find a way back up so I can get all my stuff.

Ray: Sounds like a plan to me.

(looks into camera) Okay, so if you at home want to climb a face like this, you’re going to need a harness–harness please!

(an off-camera crew member hands him a harness)

You’re going to need a lot of rope for this–rope please!

(crew hands him rope)

…some gloves to protect you hands–gloves please!

(crew hands him gloves)

…a pair of climbing shoes to keep your grip on the face–shoes please!

(crew puts on his shoes)

…and finally, you need a climbing partner underneath you to help in case something goes wrong. Partner please!

(crew gives him the finger)

Well, then, I guess its going to have to be you, Gordon.

Gordon: Hehmgemephmmm!

Ray: C’mon, Gordon, quit complaining.

Gordon: Engebrebrbrbrrr.

Ray: Rheumatoid Arthritis my ass!

Gordon: Ueeelleengephmmm!

Ray: That’s not what your wife tells me. Now get over here!

Ray And Gordon climb up the mountain with harnesses, as haunting yet cheesy music plays in the background. Meanwhile, our heroes manage to climb up without harnesses. It takes Les a lot longer, but everyone makes it to the top safely. They spend the next few hours searching in vain for food. Les can’t find plants to eat, Bear can’t find disgusting insects, and Ray’s “Aboriginal Britain” hunting techniques are failing him.

——————————————————

Ray: Well, I’m bored. Got any music?

Les: I have a harmonica.

Ray: A metal kazoo, is what you’ve got. good thing Gordon and I have brought our Shamisens with us just for the occasion.

Ray and Gordon: (deuling shamisen)

Les and Bear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Gordon: Hehhhgemeshmmmpheeeeehhhhhrbrbrbrrbrbrrrbr.

Ray: Gordon’s right, what’s the big deal?

Les: It’s a bad omen to play shamisen out here!

Ray: Relax. What could possibly happen?

Les, Bear, Ray, and Gordon all feel a strong tap on their shoulders. They all turn around to see four tall, muscular Russian men in military uniforms from the KGB’s Cold War Era.

Russian KGB officers: (in heavy accents): Where are you from?

Ray: England.

Russian Officer #1: Wrong answer. American allies, are you? The fit one, come here.

Gordon: (steps forward)

Russian Officer #3: Nice try.

Gordon: hehgemmhmmm.

Officer #1: Give me the one who likes to pee on television.

Bear: (Steps forward)

Russian Officer: (Take’s Bear’s wallet, looks for identification) So…you all are special forces aren’t you? Kill them.

The Russian KGB Officers, convinced that our heroes are British spies, inexplicably decide not to kill them by gunshot, instead opting to push Bear, Les, Ray, and Gordon off the Cliff that they had just climbed up. The cameras did not capture the footage, but it probably looked something like this:

Miraculously, all of them survived; however, the already wounded Les now has a badly injured ankle. Ray comes to aid him.

Les: OH, F— THAT HURTS! F——– Thaaaaaaat huuuuuuuurts! It looks like it’s swelling.

Ray: Don’t worry, I know how to take care of this, I know just the trick.

Les: Alright, then. OW!

Ray: (breathes in) I’m a little teapot, short and stout. This is my handle, this is my sp–

Les: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!

Ray: Trying to help you.

Les: HOW IS THIS HELPING!?!

Ray: But I’m a world champion!

Les: At what?!?

Ray: Teapot impersonation. (Editor’s note: I am not making this part up. Seriously.)

Les: Good God, only a Brit.

Bear: Oh, THAT’S comforting, macho man.

Ray: Hey, why don’t back off from people who know what they’re doing, “Man vs. Bed & Breakfast”. I was kidding. Why don’t you go piss on a shirt or something? You know, there’s scientific proof that urine possesses absolutely no survival benefits whatsoever. The only reason you do it is because you seem to enjoy whipping out your junk on television.

Bear: Will you stop this and use some actual survival skills already?

Ray: Alright, alright. I’ll find a way to traverse this cliff and get some real help. Gordon, I need you go find some herbal remedies. Bear, try not to piss in his wound.

Bear: (mocking Ray’s voice) Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyehhh…

———————————————

For the next two hours, our heroes wait for Ray and Gordon’s aid, but they never return. Not knowing what to do, Bear does the only logical thing to comfort himself and his injured adversary…he hunts down every Japanese insect he can find and one by one, he eats them, gives a God-awful face to the camera, and describes the taste to Les in excruciating detail.

Bear: Look what I’ve got here. A Japanese cockroach. Now, a lot of insects like these can carry parasites, but in the wild, these cockroaches actually keep themselves very clean, and while they may not taste very good, they’re an excellent source of protein.

 

(eats the roach alive, as a white gloop escapes its exoskeleton)

Uuughhh…God…tastes like, moldy watermelon mixed in with the crunch of cow chips…but worse.

Les: Excuse me, how is this helping?

Bear: Sorry. I must admit that eating raw bugs isn’t actually a survival technique. It’s just a nervous habit I acquired when I was a child.

Les: Just great. The sun’s about to set, help still hasn’t arrived, my ankle’s swelling like a balloon, and now you;re just eating roaches for the hell of it. What do we do now?

Bear: Well, considering that you’re injured, It’s probably OK for one of the camera crew to intervene and help you back to our camp and those supplies you made.

Les: You know what? that’s the first decent idea you’ve come up with this entire trip. Let’s do that.

After a long trek back up and still no sign of Ray or Gordon, our heroes safely make it back up and eventually find their way back to camp just before sunset. To their shock, the Russian spies had not found the camp; however, one key survival tool was missing.

Les: Where’s my ride?

Just as he says that, Les’ ride zooms by our two heroes, destroying every survival supply in its path. The faces inside the car are unmistakable.

 

Ray: HAHA, So long, suckers!

Gordon: Hehehehhhh…(flips them off)

Les: Oh, that’s just perfect! This is about the worst thing that could possibly happen. He’s destroyed all of the supplies, and now he’s off with my ticket ot of this place. He’s gonna win for sure.

Bear: Not so fast…

Les: Huh?

Bear: I kind of suspected that this was going to happen, so while I was out looking fo insects, I took a few of your supplies from camp, and I left a little surprise in the back of car for anyone trying to drive off. Remember that banana suit from yesterday?

Les: You did not!

Bear: Mmm-hmm. The fun should begin any second now. 3…2…1…

A small army of snow monkey have jumped out of the wilderness and into the car. Ray begins to spin out of control, as he fights off bites, poop throwing, and ear-drum puncturing howls.

Ray and Gordon: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Bear: That should level the playing field a bit.

Les: Dude! That was genius! You know maybe I misjudged you coming into this trip. On Day 1, I thought you were just a dumb, disgusting adventurer with too much bravado. Now I realize that you’re a genius…disgusting adventurer with too much bravado.

Bear: You’re welcome.

And so, for a brief moment in time, these enemies were united as allies, thanks to their collective hatred for another competitor. It’s a shame hat they only learned this now, on the third night of the Survive-Off, as our heroes must part their separate ways tomorrow.

Next time, on Day 4 of the Survive Off, one man finds an ancient trail, the other finds a local tribe, and both find disaster. Stay tuned for Day 4, which at this rate should be published sometime in early 2009.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 10

After creating the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game a few weeks ago, the time has come do discover: how drunk would you have been had you actually played the game? Let’s find out.

 

Up next: his pep talk for Navy.

We immediately see the loose tie and addressing the audience “men”, as always, and the pep talk is for Navy, a mid-major (non ND independent) team who just gave up 59 points in a loss…to 1-AA Delaware. From what I can tell, I definitely see a left side sweep play on the bottom right corner of the white board. I can already tell that two of the three receivers aren’t in position to block, and the play would take too long to develop. one + one + two + three + five = twelve sips.

“Without people like me, there would have been no upper half of the class. My teacher once said ‘You know a lot of people don’t know what’s goin’g on. But Lou Holtz, you don’t even suspect that anything’s going on.'” Not only is this a weird anecdote that probably paints a gloomy picture of your life, but the irony regarding Lou Holtz’s (and really, ESPN’s) cultural awareness is almost overwhelming The irony alone is worth five sips. The quote, when tallied altogether, is two + three + five = ten sips.

What happens for the next minute is Pep Talk gold: a long anecdote about life, death, and backing away from promises, all for the sake of competition, and somehow bringing that all back to football with a hasty segue: “He swam back a mile and a half because he did not swim a mile. Men, we’ve lost to Notre Dame 43 times because we didn’t believe we could beat ’em once.”  It’s these kinds of anecdotes, that take up 75% of the time and only in the end let you know it has to do with your class, that make you smack your forehead in frustration. They’re also the oments that make a particular teacher memorable. It’s not enough to make you drink the whole bottle, though. Five sips. 

“Later on in life, you’re gonna say ‘I learned a valuable lesson and it wasn’t in the classroom. It was in the locker room, just prior to breaking that losing streak against Notre Dame. Let’s go!” If that isn’t hyperbole, nothing is. two + one = three sips. 

So, not including lisps (which can choose to count or not), you would have been required to drink 30 big sips of beer or 15 shots of liquor had you been playing the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game for Week 10.  In addition you would have been required to drink whatever remained of 1 gallon of beer or the bottle of liquor on Saturday, after Navy’s triple overtime victory over the Irish. In which case, it’s a miracle that you’re able to read this.

Huevonazo of The Week: Tailgating

Football + testosterone + alcohol = fun. It’s a simple equation, really. This video is also a representation of the final minutes of yesterday’s game against NC State:

I went to college a little early, so I can relate to “OH MY GOD! LITTLE MAN! YES!” However, when an adult female was running with me, it was usually a teacher desperately trying to stop me from dropping a piece of school property from a 3rd story balcony. Ah, yes, I quite fondly remember my “physics experiments”.

College Basketball is Finally Upon Us

Two of my favorite events have made an official return this week. The first is Man vs. Wild…

…and the other is college basketball.

Photo courtesy of the greatest photoshop thread in history.

It finally dawned on me when Marco of Storming the Floor (formerly of Just Call Me Juice) asked me to write a team preview for North Carolina. As you are well aware, I never turn down the opportunity to spread the gospel of the Tar Heels, so I accepted the offer to write there, as well as an article before Wednesday’s UNC opener vs. Davidson for the folks at We Rite Goode. After another football season, I will enjoy seeing my alma mater at #1. But even more than that, I will enjoy the ability to make fun of Duke anew. Yes, college basketball is coming, and I can’t wait.

Super Awesome Team Previews: #1 North Carolina

 

Lou’s Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 9

By now, most of you have become familiar with Lou Holtz’s Pep Talk and the drinking game I chose to attach to it. (We have a few new elements to the game-check it out.) However, are you wondering how drunk you would have been if you had tried to play it? Let’s find out.

You don’t even want to KNOW what the Pringles are for.

First up: His second pep talk for Nebraska.

Fan IQ thinks the pep talk was a disaster, but the weirdness is something worth cherishing. But on to the tally.

Right off the bat, I see his loose tie, the talk is for a once-proud program who lost to Oklahoma State in Week 8, and I recognize a left side off-tackle run play to the left of his head. That’s one + one +two +three = seven sips before he even says anything.

“The time to worry is before you place your bet, and not after they spin the wheel.” That’s fortune cookie material. One sip.

“We solved sexism, racism, we’ll solve problems with Nebraska football if enough people care.” That is the kind of analogy and hyperbole that no one could hope to understand but him. Two + three = five sips.

“I’ll always have a future.” Bill Callahan? Future? HA! Two sips.

“If I didn’t show up, who would miss me and why?” Think about that before the next time your mother-in-law tries to show up. Three sips.

“Let’s go make Texas sorry that we showed up today. Let’s go!” That is one mad septogenarian right there. four + one = five sips.

So not counting the lisps (which, I admit, may be too many to keep track of), if you had played the Drinking game in Week 9, you would have taken 23 gulps of beer or 11.5 shots of liquor during Lou’s Pep Talk for Nebraska. If you add to that the Huskers’ close loss to Texas in that game, the number goes to 27/13.5.

Double Live-Blog: Oregon-Arizona St. 2nd Half/LSU Alabama 4th Quarter

Oregon-ASU updates in regular font; LSU-Bama updates in Italics.

8:16 pm: Alabama is forced to punt, and LSU will get the ball back with a chance to take back the lead.

8:20 pm: Byrd gets another catch deep downfield, and LSU is inside the 40 yard line.

8:23 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth down, but Colt David nails the 49-yard field goal to tie the game, 27-27. LSU was given a potential knockout punch, but they’ve gotten right back up. What a game.

8:28 pm: Parker-Wilson manages to scramble out of the pocket and get a first down on third and 4. What’s worse, Chavis Jackson is called for holding, anther LSU penalty. The Tigers now have 12 penalties against them, costing 111 yards.

8:30 pm: What a catch by Matt Caddell! Parker-Wilson throws a deep pass, and Caddell dive to make the big catch inside the 20.

BUT…the replay booth reverses the call! It’s ruled an incomplete pass. Looking at the replay, it could have gone either way, but its a big blow to the Tide, who now face 3rd and 19.

8:35 pm: Bama goes conservative on 3rd and long, opting for the screen. Dorsey chases Jonathan Lowe down, and the Tide will have to punt.

8:39 pm: After Oregon kick the opening kickoff out of bounds, Arizona is driving the ball efficiently to start the second half.

8:40 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth and inches. You know exactly what Les Miles is going to do next–give it to He…whaaa?? LSU is called for a false start, and now they must punt. In addition, the Tigers are called for a personal foul.

8:43 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Javier Arenas takes the punt, and he finds a huge seam up the middle of the field, going practically untouched into the endzone on the punt return. Alabama takes a 34-27 lead off of yet another big mistake by LSU. You know what? I’m now rooting for chaos. MAO!

8:46 pm: Arizona State kicks a field goal. Oregon’s lead has shrunk to 21-16…but they’re in position to score after a the ensuing kickoff brings the Ducks near midfield.

8:48 pm: Richard Hickson is open in the middle again, but he drops the ball this time, Second down for LSU.

8:49 pm: Arizona State takes over from their own 6 yard line, from what I think is an Oregon punt. I’ve been engrossed in the other game, so I honestly don’t know.

8:51 pm: LSU is forced into a 3-and-out, giving their opponent good field position…

8:52 pm:…and so is Arizona State.

8:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! What a run by Johnathan Stewart! He broke through an arm tackle, and he outran everybody before busting through one more tackle for the end zone. Oregon takes a 28-16 lead.

8:55 pm: LSU will get at least one more chance, with the ball and less than five minutes left.

8:57 pm: LSU is driving the ball to midfield, thanks to two big catches by Brandon Lafell.

8:58 pm: Early Doucet gets a good pass from Flynn, but the defensive back strips the ball out for an incompletion.

8:59 pm: On 3rd and 5, Flynn finds a receiver on a quick slant for a first down.

9:00 pm: Chris McGaha has had a big game tonight. He catches another big pass, this time down the middle, and Arizona State is driving again.

9:02 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Early Doucet makes the catch on 4th and 4, and he shake off the entire Alabama secondary to waltz into the end zone. The game is now tied , 34-34, with 2:49 left. How amazing is this?

9:04 pm: Oregon gets the ball back, but…on third down, a receiver drops the ball again. That’s his third dropped pass today, and the Ducks must punt.

9:06 pm: John Parker Wilson is sacked for the 6th time. The Tide now face 3rd and long.

9:07 pm: FUMBLE! LSU runs the all-out blitz, Wilson fumbles the ball, it rolls down inside the 5 yard line, and LSU recovers. What a turn of events. Mr. Wilson, you must secure that football. Don’t hold it so far from your body when being tackled.

9:12 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Jacob Hester dives into the endzone for the score. LSU now takes a 41-34 lead with less than 90 seconds left. Truly insane.

9:15 pm: The insanity continues…Wilson barely escapes the pocket, but he then gets a huge run to bring the Tide to midfield. 1:11 left.

9:16 pm: Jonathan Xenon comes thisclose to ending the game with an interception, but after another incomplete pass, Alabama face 4th down anyway.

9:19 pm: Keith Brown gets his hands on it…but Steltz jars the ball out! It’s an incomplete pass, and LSU escapes again!

Let me say this about the LSU win: In this stretch of four games, the Tigers have had every reason to lose each of their last four games, but no one told them that, they stood up to theses challenges, and they came back from three of these games to steal a win–and make no mistake, they have stolen these games against Florida, Auburn, and Alabama–and they now have a pretty clear road to Atlanta. LSU wins, 41-34.

Now..we can finally return to Oregon-ASU.

9:24 pm: Oregon scores again to end the third quarter. As we enter the fourth quarter of play, Oregon has taken a 35-16 lead. The Ducks have shut down the Arizona State offense in the second half.

9:27 pm: Arizona State, desperately in need of a score, goes three and out again. Oregon is taking control of this game.

9:33 pm: A potentially game changing series of events: Dennis Dixon is injured, and has been (at least temporarily) taken out of the game.

9:36 pm: Brady Leaf comes into the game, and he promptly goes three and out.

9:37 pm: Arizona State pinned back near their own endzone, but Michael Jones makes a huge catch 30 yards downfield. Arizona State is now in the hurry-up offense, with ten minutes left and in need of three touchdowns.

9:39 pm: Oregon is called, rightfully, for defensive holding, and the Sun Devils have a first down in Oregon territory.

9:42 pm: After three incompletions, Arizona State goes for it on fourth and 10…and Mcgaha gets big catch and an even bigger run afterwards to get a first down insode the 20.

9:43 pm: INTERCEPTION! On the very next play, a miscommunication leads to Carpenter throwing the ball into a crowd of 3 Oregon players. A receiver must have completely missed his route.

One of the things I don’t understand: both teams have excellent, speedy running backs, but both teams seem to have abandoned the run.

9:45 pm: Brady Leaf is still in the game, but now he’s handing it off to Johnathan Stewart, as the Ducks are trying to waste some clock.

9:49 pm: UPSET WATCH: Florida State 7, Boston College 0, Halftime.

9:53 pm: On the first play for Arizona State’s drive, Michael Jones catches another deep pass, and he runs to the 11 yard line. Another insane catch by Jones.

9:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Carpenter finds his tight end in the end zone. Rudy Carpenter now has 334 yards passing. Oregon leads, 35-23 after ASU takes the extra point, instead of the two point conversion that would have reduced the deficit to a TD, two pointer, and field goal.

9:56 pm: 5:10 remaining. Brady Leaf is still in the game.

9:59 pm: Oregon throws three passes, but two incompletions force a punt for Oregon. What was Mike Bellotti thinking? Oregon needed to eat up clock.

10:01 pm: What is possibly the most insane play of the game. Rudy Carpenter throws a deep pass under pressure, throws into triple coverage, and his tight end makes a spectacular leap for the catch, runs after the catch, but then fumbles as he’s brought down inside the Oregon 30, and the Ducks recover. That almost certainly seals the game for Oregon.

10:08 pm: The Ducks have managed to run the clock down to 21 seconds, ending any hope ASU had in this game.

10:10 pm: The game fittingly ends with a sack, as Oregon wins, 35-23. With this win, Oregon controls their Pac-10 destiny, moves to at least #4 in the nation, and ends Arizona State’s title hopes (barring, of course, an even more insane final month to the season. A good game, but the LSU game stole the show in another great day of college football.