Bear Grylls and Les Stroud are being pushed to their limits to answer one question: Who is the ultimate Survivor?
Our heroes are eager to finally greet the rising sun after an all too long night #2. Mr. Stroud had a hard time sleeping after the horrible fire incident, and Mr. Grylls spent most of the night fending off dozens of snow monkeys before finally putting two and two together, and ridding himself of that banana suit. Little do they know that Discovery Channel producers are about to throw another monkey wrench into the mix.
Bear: Ugggghhh…last night was not ideal. I had to spend the entire night under attack by monkeys. Fortunately, I was able to fight them off with My new Bayley™ Knife! It’s a knife made out of the toughest steel!
Les: What are you doing?
Bear: Self-promotion. The Survive-Off doesn’t pay for itself, you–wait a minute…
(rustling and audible human voices can be heard in the distant bushes)
Bear: Who in bloody hell is that?
(A tall, middle-aged Western man with a camera crew emerges)
Bear: (eyes widen in horror, then they roll) Oh s—. What’s this bloke doing here? What are the odds?
Les: Who’s that?
Bear: Ray Mears. He’s my mortal enemy in England on the Beeb. He thinks he’s some kind of survivalist because he and his professor companion are scholarly, and they make cute little knapsacks out of willow branches, comfy sleeping bags from the leaves and clean themselves with the pretty flowers. That’s not surviving, that’s some gay retreat. Real men survive by taking naps in deer carcasses, taking baths in cold, foul goop, and snapping rabbit’s necks with their bare hands. His kind of survival is for pu–
Ray Mears: Hey guys!
Bear: Hey, Ray! Fancy seeing you here! What brings you the North of Japan?
Ray: You know, just…enjoying the sights.
Bear: Come on now. This is no coincidence.
Ray: All right…well, The BBC says there isn’t enough pizzazz with the Survive-Off’s current format, because Les over here isn’t a face that many Britons recognize. So they’ve decided to temporarily throw me into this whole mess, for the British audiences.
Bear: Oh, bloody hell.
Les: Who’s you’re creepy old friend, eh?
Ray: Why, that’s professor Gordon Hillman. He specializes in archeobotany at London’s University College.
Bear: Well, baldy, it looks like you have a new toy to play with instead of that rusty suppository you always take with you. HA!
Les: Heh heh, yeah… (chuckles uncomfortably, looks at Gordon)
Gordon: (stares at him seductively)
Les: (shivers in disgust)
Ray: So, where do we go from here?
Bear: The hell if I’m going to tell you.
Ray: Hey, be more considerate, this is survival here! Why don’t you tell me, Les?
Les: Well, uh…we fell down this cliff not far from camp, where we were dropped off by the crew…so, uh, I was thinking we should, um, find a way back up so I can get all my stuff.
Ray: Sounds like a plan to me.
(looks into camera) Okay, so if you at home want to climb a face like this, you’re going to need a harness–harness please!
(an off-camera crew member hands him a harness)
You’re going to need a lot of rope for this–rope please!
(crew hands him rope)
…some gloves to protect you hands–gloves please!
(crew hands him gloves)
…a pair of climbing shoes to keep your grip on the face–shoes please!
(crew puts on his shoes)
…and finally, you need a climbing partner underneath you to help in case something goes wrong. Partner please!
(crew gives him the finger)
Well, then, I guess its going to have to be you, Gordon.
Ray: C’mon, Gordon, quit complaining.
Ray: Rheumatoid Arthritis my ass!
Ray: That’s not what your wife tells me. Now get over here!
Ray And Gordon climb up the mountain with harnesses, as haunting yet cheesy music plays in the background. Meanwhile, our heroes manage to climb up without harnesses. It takes Les a lot longer, but everyone makes it to the top safely. They spend the next few hours searching in vain for food. Les can’t find plants to eat, Bear can’t find disgusting insects, and Ray’s “Aboriginal Britain” hunting techniques are failing him.
Ray: Well, I’m bored. Got any music?
Les: I have a harmonica.
Ray: A metal kazoo, is what you’ve got. good thing Gordon and I have brought our Shamisens with us just for the occasion.
Ray and Gordon: (deuling shamisen)
Les and Bear: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ray: Gordon’s right, what’s the big deal?
Les: It’s a bad omen to play shamisen out here!
Ray: Relax. What could possibly happen?
Les, Bear, Ray, and Gordon all feel a strong tap on their shoulders. They all turn around to see four tall, muscular Russian men in military uniforms from the KGB’s Cold War Era.
Russian KGB officers: (in heavy accents): Where are you from?
Russian Officer #1: Wrong answer. American allies, are you? The fit one, come here.
Gordon: (steps forward)
Russian Officer #3: Nice try.
Officer #1: Give me the one who likes to pee on television.
Bear: (Steps forward)
Russian Officer: (Take’s Bear’s wallet, looks for identification) So…you all are special forces aren’t you? Kill them.
The Russian KGB Officers, convinced that our heroes are British spies, inexplicably decide not to kill them by gunshot, instead opting to push Bear, Les, Ray, and Gordon off the Cliff that they had just climbed up. The cameras did not capture the footage, but it probably looked something like this:
Miraculously, all of them survived; however, the already wounded Les now has a badly injured ankle. Ray comes to aid him.
Les: OH, F— THAT HURTS! F——– Thaaaaaaat huuuuuuuurts! It looks like it’s swelling.
Ray: Don’t worry, I know how to take care of this, I know just the trick.
Les: Alright, then. OW!
Ray: (breathes in) I’m a little teapot, short and stout. This is my handle, this is my sp–
Les: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!
Ray: Trying to help you.
Les: HOW IS THIS HELPING!?!
Ray: But I’m a world champion!
Les: At what?!?
Ray: Teapot impersonation. (Editor’s note: I am not making this part up. Seriously.)
Les: Good God, only a Brit.
Bear: Oh, THAT’S comforting, macho man.
Ray: Hey, why don’t back off from people who know what they’re doing, “Man vs. Bed & Breakfast”. I was kidding. Why don’t you go piss on a shirt or something? You know, there’s scientific proof that urine possesses absolutely no survival benefits whatsoever. The only reason you do it is because you seem to enjoy whipping out your junk on television.
Bear: Will you stop this and use some actual survival skills already?
Ray: Alright, alright. I’ll find a way to traverse this cliff and get some real help. Gordon, I need you go find some herbal remedies. Bear, try not to piss in his wound.
Bear: (mocking Ray’s voice) Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyehhh…
For the next two hours, our heroes wait for Ray and Gordon’s aid, but they never return. Not knowing what to do, Bear does the only logical thing to comfort himself and his injured adversary…he hunts down every Japanese insect he can find and one by one, he eats them, gives a God-awful face to the camera, and describes the taste to Les in excruciating detail.
Bear: Look what I’ve got here. A Japanese cockroach. Now, a lot of insects like these can carry parasites, but in the wild, these cockroaches actually keep themselves very clean, and while they may not taste very good, they’re an excellent source of protein.
(eats the roach alive, as a white gloop escapes its exoskeleton)
Uuughhh…God…tastes like, moldy watermelon mixed in with the crunch of cow chips…but worse.
Les: Excuse me, how is this helping?
Bear: Sorry. I must admit that eating raw bugs isn’t actually a survival technique. It’s just a nervous habit I acquired when I was a child.
Les: Just great. The sun’s about to set, help still hasn’t arrived, my ankle’s swelling like a balloon, and now you;re just eating roaches for the hell of it. What do we do now?
Bear: Well, considering that you’re injured, It’s probably OK for one of the camera crew to intervene and help you back to our camp and those supplies you made.
Les: You know what? that’s the first decent idea you’ve come up with this entire trip. Let’s do that.
After a long trek back up and still no sign of Ray or Gordon, our heroes safely make it back up and eventually find their way back to camp just before sunset. To their shock, the Russian spies had not found the camp; however, one key survival tool was missing.
Les: Where’s my ride?
Just as he says that, Les’ ride zooms by our two heroes, destroying every survival supply in its path. The faces inside the car are unmistakable.
Ray: HAHA, So long, suckers!
Gordon: Hehehehhhh…(flips them off)
Les: Oh, that’s just perfect! This is about the worst thing that could possibly happen. He’s destroyed all of the supplies, and now he’s off with my ticket ot of this place. He’s gonna win for sure.
Bear: Not so fast…
Bear: I kind of suspected that this was going to happen, so while I was out looking fo insects, I took a few of your supplies from camp, and I left a little surprise in the back of car for anyone trying to drive off. Remember that banana suit from yesterday?
Les: You did not!
Bear: Mmm-hmm. The fun should begin any second now. 3…2…1…
A small army of snow monkey have jumped out of the wilderness and into the car. Ray begins to spin out of control, as he fights off bites, poop throwing, and ear-drum puncturing howls.
Ray and Gordon: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Bear: That should level the playing field a bit.
Les: Dude! That was genius! You know maybe I misjudged you coming into this trip. On Day 1, I thought you were just a dumb, disgusting adventurer with too much bravado. Now I realize that you’re a genius…disgusting adventurer with too much bravado.
Bear: You’re welcome.
And so, for a brief moment in time, these enemies were united as allies, thanks to their collective hatred for another competitor. It’s a shame hat they only learned this now, on the third night of the Survive-Off, as our heroes must part their separate ways tomorrow.
Next time, on Day 4 of the Survive Off, one man finds an ancient trail, the other finds a local tribe, and both find disaster. Stay tuned for Day 4, which at this rate should be published sometime in early 2009.