Roman Abramovich Secretly Replaces Manchetser United Midfielder Park Ji-Sung With Rain

It’s the latest step that the Russian is taking to make sure Chelsea wins the Champions League Final (after Man U’s special Tuesday night room service and sending Cristiano Ronaldo down the wrong path). Will anyone in Moscow notice the switch between the midfielder and the King of K-Pop?

Uhhhhh…probably.

Cristiano Ronaldo Has Been Hanging With the Wrong Crowd

Sir Alex Ferguson is slightly concerned about his star striker’s recent off-field activities ahead of the Champions League Final.

“Wot is yurr prahblimm, man?”

The FA Cup Final Was Today

I was rooting for Cardiff City to become the first non-top flight team to win the FA Cup since 1980, but it wasn’t in the cards today. Premier League side Portsmouth won 1-0 on Kanu’s goal in the 37th minute. Still, it’s the first time a non-Big Four team has won the FA Cup since Everton in 1995, and any time that a team outside of the Big Four wins a title in English soccer, it’s nice to watch.

More importantly however, Robbie Fowler was in the initial 18-man roster for Cardiff City (albeit he didn’t play in this game), and that’s a good enough excuse to post a video of Robbie and the greatest goal celebration ever:

That will never cease to make me laugh.

Vladimir’s Plan Works To Perfection

Russian Prime Minster and former President Vladimir Putin speaks regarding Zenit St. Petersburg’s historic victory over Rangers Wednesday night to capture the 2008 UEFA Cup.

HA HA! HA! All hail the mother Russia! A club representing our great communist nation has captured the UEFA Cup for the second time in four years! And best of all, this time we vanquished a smelly capitalist in doing so.

NOW do you still think DaMarcus Beasley’s injury in November was an accident? No…I knew this day was coming, and the power of our great communist nation broke the American’s leg. Well, that and a metal pipe. A pipe is the true weapon of a Komrade!

Today is a great day for Russia, and we thank Coach Mr. Dutch Genitalia Whatshisface for his contribution. As a reward for his service, he will have the undying gratitude of the people…and Russia will annex his flat in Utrecht. All hail the expansion of the Russian Empire! Death To the Scottish Capitalist Pigs and their Fried Snickers bars! Long Live Zenit, the Champions of Europe!

What? What’s that? Lower Cup? The Capitalists will win next week? Oh. Well, at least I’m still in charge.

What do you mean I have to leave the President’s office?

Well who the hell did they vote for?

Hold on for moment. I need a moment to myself. (locks and loads with AK-47, practices Judo organ-imploding fist technique)

Hey, Dmitry! Yeah you, short guy…can you spare a moment with the “Prime Minister-Elect”?

Manu Ginobili Combover Watch: Western Conference Playoffs

(Manu Ginobili Combover Watch is dedicated to the belief that everyone’s favorite Argentine Basketball player is balding fast, and would be too proud of his hair not to do something drastic about it before his retirement. Like, say, wear a terrible combover.)

The NBA playoffs are deep into the conference semifinals, and fans have been blessed with some very good matchups in this round. The crown jewel of the conference semis has to be the seven game battle between the defending champion San Antonio Spurs and the New Orleans Hornets. Take the time to watch game five tonight, if for no other reason than that Hornets point guard Chris Paul has been playing absolutely out of his mind.

Perhaps a more important subplot for Digital Headbutt is that Manu Ginobili’s bald spot has developed to frightening proportions. Just look at these photos from Games 3 and 4 of the Yahoo Spurs gallery (Photo by D. Clarke Evans/NBAE via Getty Images):

(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

As with the first edition of Combover Watch, the pictures fail to do his bald spot justice, but you get the general idea. As much as I’m rooting for the Hornets and Chris Paul’s 10:1 Assist/Turnover ratio, I think it would be an injustice to wait until the Olympics in August to see how a true Argentine recession develops.

Baldness Status: Franciscan Friar.

ETC (Estimated Time of Combover): 2011 Preseason.