Digital Headbutt

A sports blog about stuff…stuff that involves things.

Archive for the ‘Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section’ Category

The Mitchell Report/Steroid Debate, Summarized in 10 Seconds

Posted by Mike on December 14, 2007

Posted in Baseball, yes this is a slow news day. how can you tell?, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 1 Comment »

Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 10

Posted by Mike on November 14, 2007

After creating the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game a few weeks ago, the time has come do discover: how drunk would you have been had you actually played the game? Let’s find out.

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Up next: his pep talk for Navy.

We immediately see the loose tie and addressing the audience “men”, as always, and the pep talk is for Navy, a mid-major (non ND independent) team who just gave up 59 points in a loss…to 1-AA Delaware. From what I can tell, I definitely see a left side sweep play on the bottom right corner of the white board. I can already tell that two of the three receivers aren’t in position to block, and the play would take too long to develop. one + one + two + three + five = twelve sips.

“Without people like me, there would have been no upper half of the class. My teacher once said ‘You know a lot of people don’t know what’s goin’g on. But Lou Holtz, you don’t even suspect that anything’s going on.'” Not only is this a weird anecdote that probably paints a gloomy picture of your life, but the irony regarding Lou Holtz’s (and really, ESPN’s) cultural awareness is almost overwhelming The irony alone is worth five sips. The quote, when tallied altogether, is two + three + five = ten sips.

What happens for the next minute is Pep Talk gold: a long anecdote about life, death, and backing away from promises, all for the sake of competition, and somehow bringing that all back to football with a hasty segue: “He swam back a mile and a half because he did not swim a mile. Men, we’ve lost to Notre Dame 43 times because we didn’t believe we could beat ’em once.”  It’s these kinds of anecdotes, that take up 75% of the time and only in the end let you know it has to do with your class, that make you smack your forehead in frustration. They’re also the oments that make a particular teacher memorable. It’s not enough to make you drink the whole bottle, though. Five sips. 

“Later on in life, you’re gonna say ‘I learned a valuable lesson and it wasn’t in the classroom. It was in the locker room, just prior to breaking that losing streak against Notre Dame. Let’s go!” If that isn’t hyperbole, nothing is. two + one = three sips. 

So, not including lisps (which can choose to count or not), you would have been required to drink 30 big sips of beer or 15 shots of liquor had you been playing the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game for Week 10.  In addition you would have been required to drink whatever remained of 1 gallon of beer or the bottle of liquor on Saturday, after Navy’s triple overtime victory over the Irish. In which case, it’s a miracle that you’re able to read this.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Cult of Personality, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz, Patriotism at its finest, Pep Talk, stay off the sauce kids, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 3 Comments »

Mom, You Can Call Off The Bots Now

Posted by Mike on November 1, 2007

Digital Headbutt began to delve into the sports blog universe one year ago this week. Its beginnings were humble, and I was not even fully aware of the vast sports blogosphere around me until this space had been around for three months. 207 posts and 110,000+ hits later, I may very well have created a monster. The kind of monster who ventures into the realm of the unknown, for varying lengths of time, and brings back stuff like this.


Of all the posts on Digital Headbutt, these three were statistically your favorites:

Benny Feilhaber’s Gold Cup Winning Goal

The Survive-Off

(Which reminds me: Day 3 of the Survive-Off is coming…)

The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

I would like to thank all of the sports blogosphere, and all of the great people, too many to mention in this space, whom I would not have collaborated with, spoken to, or met without Digital Headbutt and Tar Heel Mania. You have made this worthwhile. Because dammit, they won’t let me put AdSense on this thing!

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, Cruelty to mascots, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, GOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!, Great Moments in Stupidity, HUEVONAZO!, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, Mud Butt, Secret Identities, Shameless Self Promotion, Skit Ocksa!, Stuff That Involves Things, Things that are more fun in foreign dialects, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, what is this hyperbole of which you speak?, Wojo, yes this is a slow news day. how can you tell?, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | Leave a Comment »

Mike Hart For Heisman

Posted by Mike on October 29, 2007

For the past month or so, I had been too distracted by Lou Holtz to throw my support behind any particular player for the Heisman trophy. But now, my decision is clear: the Heisman  should go to Mike Hart. Is it because he’s on pace to rush for over 1,500 yards and 18 touchdowns? Because he has single handedly kept the Wolverines in the Big Ten hunt and Lloyd Carr with a pension plan? Because he’s playing better football than many of the other potential candidates? Because his main rivals’ teams now keep taking turns in the Vietnamese boathouse? No, its because of his new campaign ads.

If these don’t get you pumped about Mike Hart’s Heisman campaign, nothing will.

Many thanks to Autumn Thunder for making these videos. 

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Big Ten, College Football, Michigan, Mike Hart, Patriotism at its finest, Stuff That Involves Things, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | Leave a Comment »

We Have Been Denied The Pep Talk This Week

Posted by Mike on October 19, 2007

Revolt, for we must fight for what is rightfully ours.

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Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, Lou Holtz, Pep Talk, WTF, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | Leave a Comment »

The Legend of Willie Wildcat: Part One

Posted by Mike on September 12, 2007

By now, you have probably seen the infamous Kansas State pregame video. (In case you haven’t, take a gander below).

But do you know the story behind it? The background of this video, as well as its star, Willie Wildcat, is far more diabolical than you can possibly imagine.

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Once upon a time in Manhattan, Kansas, a Kansas State Delta Kappa Epsilon member and chemistry major named William got a little too buzzed at a party one night. He had spent all night trying to seduce some Chi Omega girls, but with absolutely no success. He had no clue what he was doing wrong. “I’m a smart guy, I’m pretty handsome, and I’ve managed a decent social life,” William thought to himself and his growing frustration. “What’s my problem?” In reality, he had anxiety towards women. His mother did not always treat him the best, and his sisters teased him mrecilessly, without remorse. Those chilhood memories re-entered the young man’s mind whenever a girl so much as spoke in his direction. William knew exactly what was wrong. He was simply powerless to stop it.

William then stumbled upon his solution in the form of a feline. One of the brothers kept his mother’s cat in the house on occasion, and that night he escaped into the party in the living room. No sooner sooner did he put a paw on the giant couch than every girl at the party flocked to his side. It didn;t take long for even a very sloshed William to notice what was going on. As his drunken stupor began to open the floodgates of his mind, he had his epiphany. “Wait a minute…cats are the coolest animals on earth. They don’t give a crap about what you think, and the ladies can’t get enough of them for that. So how do I truly think like a cat?” he though to himself. “Of course! I need the mind of a cat!”

And so his mission was clear: delve into the higher elevations of western Kansas, catch a wild cougar, head back to his research laboratory in Manhattan, obtain genetic code from the cougar, think like a cat, and score until the end of time. The theory itself was simple enough. Now he needed to act.

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In his inebriated state William managed to drive in his truck for 100 miles out of the little college town. How he managed not to crash is a miracle; fortunately for him, almost no one is on the road at 3 am in Kansas backcountry. He found a perfect place to stop, 30 miles east of the Colorado border, where there had been reported many a cougar sighting. His chemistry knowledge at hand, he had created a tranquilizer potent enough to sedate an entire state’s worth of house pets. One cougar would be almost too easy. After 90 minutes William spotted two mountain lions on the prowl. He only needed one shot.

The cougar sedated, he dragged the huge cat into the back of his truck and began driving back to Manhattan. He arrived to his campus laboratory at the crack of dawn, before anyone was around to ask him what he was doing. And then the real work began. The extraction, the separation, and the splicing tested his alcohol-deprived patience, but after 12 hours the got what he needed. William brought the big cat back into his truck, still sedated and once again in the guise of night, and drove off to bring him back to his natural habitat. However, he had one more trick up his sleeve. He decided to drive into Lawrence, and allow the cougar to wake up and wreak havoc on his rival school. It would prove to be his last act as the William we once knew.

Upon returning to his lab his DNA sample was ready. He then proceeded to inject the genetic code into his encephalic membrane, the process of which is so dangerous and complex that I am not allowed to repeat it. Al that William could do now was wait, so he headed to his fraternity house for the night. It would be the worst night of his life.

The transformation began in his room, at about 1:30 am. His head was throbbing. All blood was rushing away from his limbs. his eyes felt like they were about to pop out of their sockets. The indescribable pain drove him to run into walls, hump treadmills, and turn the upstairs TV into his right shoe. It eventually became too much to bear, his body began to shut down, and he passed out on his bedroom floor.

No one knows what happened to him in the following 72 hours. Willie’s new form, however, would be one for all to fear.

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Stay tuned for the Legend of Willie Wildcat: Part Two.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Big 12, College Football, football, Kansas State, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 1 Comment »