Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘ACC’ Category

The Date Is November 12th…

Posted by Mike on November 12, 2008

…And every team in the ACC still has a shot at bowl eligibility.

Atlantic Coast Conf All
Wake Forest 4-2 6-3
Florida State (20) 4-2 7-2
Maryland 3-2 6-3
Boston College 2-3 6-3
Clemson 2-4 4-5
North Carolina State 1-4 3-6
Virginia Tech 3-2 6-3
North Carolina (17) 3-2 7-2
Miami (FL) 3-2 6-3
Georgia Tech 4-3 7-3
Virginia 3-3 5-5
Duke 1-4 4-5

Eight teams have already sewn up spots, and Virginia can win one of two to make it. Wake, BC, Florida State and Virginia Tech all did what they needed to do on Saturday, while the Clemson and Virginia did not. Clemson needs to beat Duke this Saturday, and then The Tigers, Blue Devils, and Wolfpack all need to win out to make this possible.

At this point in the season, the scenario is neither likely nor in any way desirable. But the mere fact that we’re having this conversation in mid-November is nothing short of mind-boggling.


Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football | 3 Comments »

How To Make EVERY ACC TEAM Bowl Eligible

Posted by Mike on November 4, 2008

Coming into the season, pretty much everyone knew that this ACC season was going to be crazy. But not this crazy:

Atlantic Coast Conf All
Maryland (23) 3-1 6-2
Wake Forest 3-2 5-3
Florida State (24) 3-2 6-2
Clemson 2-3 4-4
Boston College 2-3 5-3
North Carolina State 0-4 2-6
Georgia Tech (22) 4-2 7-2
Miami (FL) 3-2 6-3
Virginia 3-2 5-4
Virginia Tech 2-2 5-3
North Carolina (19) 2-2 6-2
Duke 1-3 4-4

Four teams are currently bowl eligible (North Carolina, Maryland, Georgia Tech and Miami), Five more are one game away from bowl eligibility (Florida State, Boston College, Wake Forest, Virginia, and Virginia Tech), and two more have a .500 record (Clemson, Duke). Only NC State as a losing record, and even the Wolfpack have been competitive in their last three losses. No one has been formally eliminated from bowl contention, and only two teams (NC State and Clemson, because the Tigers played two FCS teams) need a record above .500 to achieve qualification.

Are you wondering how every ACC Team can become bowl eligible? Sure you are. Here are the scenarios that must happen. A number is placed in parentheses as another team becomes bowl eligible. ACC geams not mentioned are fairly irrelevant towards the goal of bowl eligibility.

Week 11 (Nov. 6th/8th):

NC State beats Duke

Boston College beats Notre Dame (5)

Virginia beats Wake Forest (6)

Week 12:

Clemson beats Duke

NC State beats Wake Forest

Florida State beats Boston College (7)

Week 13:

Clemson beats Virginia

NC State beats North Carolina

Duke beats Virginia Tech

Week 14:

Clemson beats South Carolina (8)

Duke beats North Carolina (9)

NC State beats Miami (10)

Virginia Tech beats Virginia (11)

Wake Forest beats Vanderbilt (12)

Everyone would have a recored of 6-6 or better, but no one Maryland would escape with fewer than four losses. This scenario is a tad far-fetched. But in the bizarro conference that is the ACC, it’s impossible to dismiss.

Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Stuff That Involves Things | 4 Comments »

Tom O’Brien Wants You To Love America

Posted by Mike on October 6, 2008

When I saw this picture on EDSBS, it blew my mind.

1. Football Coach

2. Irishman who graduated from a military academy

3. Golf shirt which you can buy at NOW NOW NOW

4. Team hat which you can also buy at NOW NOW NOW

5. wraparound shades

6. Panoramic reflection of packed football stadium off of said wraparound shades.

7. Prominent American Flag

8. Special Effects

9. Game Face

10. A hundred guys behind him, in full uniform that would look ridiculous anywhere else

If this picture doesn’t embody everything the terrorists need to know about the United States of America, I don’t know what does. Show this to Moqtada Al-Sadr, let him stare at it for 24 hours, and he will tell you where to find Osama bin Laden and how to bring Al-Qaeda to its knees. And he will thank you for it. And then he will leave Iraq to begin a moderately successful career in Bollywood, typecasted as a genie. And then J Leman will be elected president. Because the only man American enough for the job.

Posted in ACC, AMERICA HELL YEAH!!!, College Football, NC State | 1 Comment »

Well, Somebody’s Gotta Win This Conference!

Posted by Mike on September 3, 2008

Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford holds an emergency meeting with his football coaches after a particularly disastrous week for the conference.

Swofford: Hello everyone. I don’t think I need to explain why we’re here. You watched it all tight before your eyes. As you know, the realignment of the ACC was designed specifically to improve our football standing. So far, it appears to have had the opposite effect, as the teams who were expected to lead this conference have, shall we say, faltered. What has happened in the last four seasons is bad enough, but last week have made things really bad. Gentlemen, we are officially a football conference in crisis. Let’s start with the obvious. Tommy, what the hell happened in Atlanta?

T. Bowden: Well, I for one was quite surprised by the way the game turned out. Alabama came to play, and we never controlled the line of scrimmage, but I honestly don’t know exactly what went wrong.

Swofford: How were you not prepared for these guys? You were supposed to be the crown jewel of this conference, and you let the 5th best team in the SEC hold the ball for 41 minutes! FORTY ONE MINUTES! And you don’t know what went wrong? This always happens with your team! You have one of the most talented teams in the country….start playing like it!

Anyway, moving on. Frank, what your excuse for that eyebleeder of a game against East Carolina?

Beamer: Well, I thought that our defense played well, but we don’t have a great running game, and we were particularly unlucky to lose on that blocked punt.

Swofford: Oh come on! You have a fifth year senior at quarterback in his third year as a starter, and he still plays like a confused tree. What were you thinking redshirting Taylor? Glennon doesn’t have any athletes to fall back on!

Beamer: I know, but I’m thinking about the future, how good we’ll be in 20–

Swofford: for the sake of our conference, you need to worry about this year! Now where’s Tyrod?

Beamer: Well, to protect him until next year I had a few rogue Tech engineering students shrink him so I could store him under my chin graft.

Swofford: That’s mind-bendingly disgusting. Get him out of there.

Beamer: (sighs) fine. (Removes tiny Taylor from under chin, shoots with “VPI” unshrink ray)

Tyrod Taylor: (panting, wheezing) FREEEE – (gasp) – DOMMMMMMMmmmm…(Passes out from oxygen rush)

Beamer: He’ll be okay. Moving on, problem solved.

Swofford: I’ll deal with you later. As for you Tom, I know you’re rebuilding, and I know you lost your starter in the first half. But seriously, what the hell was that?

Tom O’Brien:

W e e l l l   j o h n  t h e r e  w a s n t  m u c h  t h a t   w e  w e r e  a b l e  t o  c o n t r o l  i n  t h a t  g a m e  i  t h o u g h t  w e  w e r e  o k a y  u n t i l  t h e  d e f e n s e  r a n  o u t  o f  g a s  i n  t h e  s e c o n d  h a l f

Swofford: I don’t know. Yore offense never seemed to work no matter who was under center, and you made Chris Smelley look like an All-American. Say…you didn’t let your team  watch Dr. Lou at halftime, did you?

O’Brien: U h h h h h h h h. . . . . . . . . . . n o?

Swofford: You’re lying. Moving on. Ralph, Butch, we all know about how challenging top I-AA teams are these days, but you’re pretty much the only BCS teams to let your opponents stay close.

Ralph: Well, we both have young teams–

Butch: In a transition period–

Ralph: And there were expectations built up–

Butch: And our guys bought into the hype–

Ralph: And the teams we played are FCS contenders–

Butch: But we won, and that’s what matters.

Swofford: Interesting… but that explanation makes about as much sense as German Spongebob!

It makes no sense. Unless you studied abroad in Freiburg.

Jim Grobe: Excuse me, but why am I here? Wake is one of the few teams pulling its weight here.

Swofford: You know I appreciate what you’re doing, Jim, but the mere fact that you might become a football powerhouse in this conference is alarming in its own right.

Grobe: 😦

Swofford: Now, on to Mr. Bowden. Sir, your team didn’t even play this week, and I already have a sinking feeling about you and your meteorologist quarterback.

B. Bowden: zzzzzzzzzz…..

Swofford: Tommy, could you make yourself useful and wake up your father?

T. Bowden: Daddy…Daddy, wake up, John wants to talk to ya. Daddy? DADDY!


T. Bowden: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH (falls out window)

Swofford: I guess that…er, inadvertently solves one problem for the moment. For the rest of you, Get your butts in gear starting this week. We need to rebuild our reputation. This meeting is adjourned.

Posted in ACC, College Football, Minor Crises | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Return of the Triple Option!

Posted by Mike on July 30, 2008

Thirty years ago, it was the only way to play in college football. Fifteen years ago, many major programs were still using it. But when Bill Callahan’s West Coast offense was installed at Nebraska, everyone though t it meant that the triple option, as an artform in major college football, was dead.

Well, now we know for sure. This ancient form of sport is returning, thanks to Georgia Tech’s Paul Johnson.

The article goes into far more detail than I, but it makes two fundamental points. First, The triple option offense has been used effectively in major college football for decades, and there’s no reason to believe it cannot still work when used effectively. Second, the triple option has become so rare in major college football that most coaches, staff, and players won’t know how to defend it.

I think the prospect of the triple option on major college football is more exciting now than 15 years ago precisely because of this: the rarity. Part of what makes the NFL less exciting than college is that just about every team seems to run a similar offense, with only changes based on personnel. The return of the triple option is fantastic because it’s now the exception, rather than the rule.

Now, if only we can get Butch Davis to throw in the A-11 formation.

Posted in ACC, College Football, Georgia Tech, Old School football | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Terrelle Pryor Commits to Duke

Posted by Mike on February 9, 2008



In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

“Second, have you met Thad Matta? You think I can put up with 3 years of looking at that guy? I mean, you could land small spacecraft on that beak.”


His reasoning did not end there.

“The Duke football program has a lot of enticing aspects for me”, Pryor said. “One is the hiring of David Cutcliffe. He oversaw the development of both Manning brothers in their college careers, and look at what they’ve accomplished.

“Playing for the Blue Devils also takes the pressure off. If I start right off the bat at QB at Michigan, Ohio State, or Penn State, and they have three 8-4 or 9-3 seasons, I’m considered a huge disappointment. If I have one such year at Duke, I will be a God. I will be known as the man who did the impossible, who did what no one else could in the last 20 years of Duke football. Winning a Big Ten title at Ohio State or Michigan happens every other year. But to lead the Blue Devils to a bowl game…now that says something to Heisman voters and pro scouts.”

The explanation for his choice was a bit outlandish, yet well-reasoned so far. However, his final and most important reason dumbfounded everyone.

“Most of all,” said Pryor, “there was one very important reason why I made this decision. And that was to absolutely piss off every college fan in America.”

“You see, as the unanimous #1 prospect in America, I hold all the cards in the collective emotion of college football fans. Both Michigan and Ohio State have been pulling out all the stops to prevent the other from signing me. Simply signing for a different team would have maddened millions of fans around the midwest. But was I satisfied with that? Oh, no. If I was, I would have inked my LOI with Penn State. No, to anger them further, and begin to cause unrest for all who keep track of recruiting, I had to delay my decision past signing day.”

“And then there’s my basketball considerations. If I choose a basketball school, my decision must enrage people who have never kept track of recruiting before. I had to accomplish two things to send an entire nation to the door of their athletic directors, pitchforks and torches in tow. First, I had to choose a football program that was so lowly that every fan, no matter what school, would jump out of their chairs and say “dammit. If Duke had a chance with this guy, my coach damn sure should have had him on speed dial!” Second, my basketball choice had to be a team that everyone loves to hate.”

“Weighing in all of those factors, there was only one choice that would succeed in enraging every collegiate fan in America. I had to go to Duke.”

No one had any explanation for Pryor’s behavior. Some had begun to suspect the influence of his summer as a part-time clerk at the Jeannette, Pa. branch of Popcopy. When why he wanted to anger so many sports fans, he responded “Why? ‘Cause f–k ’em, that’s why!”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Terrelle than left the press conference, got into his Corvette, and floored it for New Jersey’s southern enclave.


Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Duke, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, nutshots, Recruiting, Tar Heel posts, Terrelle Pryor, this isn't real | 14 Comments »