If you played the Dr. Lou drinking game during halftime of the USC-Oregon State game, how many brain cells would you, or should you, have killed during the broadcast? Let’s find out. The link to the video is here.
(NOTE: The Dr. Lou Drinking game is primarily intended for laughs only. But if you insist on playing for real, you should probably stick to beer.)
:10 Opening theme. 1 drink.
:35 That’s four different metaphors in a row. The guy’s on fire. “I don’t understand how a black cow who eats green grass produces white milk and yellow cheese” is both funny and confusing, but the rest are one drinkers. 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 5 drinks.
:50 It’s Matt Stafford! And he mentions emulationg Notre Dame QB Tony Rice from the 1988 title, even though I’m sure he was only told about Tony Rice 2 minutes before he called. 1 + 2 = 3 drinks.
1:05 Hyperbole! 1 drink.
1:25 It’s not in the rulebook yet, but reminiscing about a direct threat to a QB about playing time has to count for something. 2 drinks.
1:30 Next caller: Urban Meyer. 1 drink.
2:05 “‘Joseph died leaning on his staff’. The same can be said for me.” That Bible reference was…interesting. 3 drinks.
2:25: Dr. Lou wishes a dark, claustrophobic, automobile-related death upon all to dislike his show. Chug.
So if the math is correct, excluding the involvement of Rece Davis and Mark May, you would have taken about sixteen drinks plus one chug over the course of two and a half minutes.
Granted, there are some very good reason for this. Virginia has yet to show anything resembling an offense this year, averageing 11 points per game this season. In addition, they’ve surrendered 52 points at home to USC and 45 on the road to UConn, they’ve just dismissed their starting quarterback, and AL Groh has been one of the more underachieving coaches in the ACC this decade (and that’s saying a lot). Meanwhile, the Blue Devils offense is firing on all cylinders under David Cutcliffe, and quarterback Thad Lewis and wide reciever Eron Riley are playing well enough to be draft picks. Still, the fact that Duke is favored to win a conference game for the first time in six years is rather shocking. If the Cavaliers lose this game and supplant Duke as the worst tem in the ACC, Groh might not survive October.
In an earlier post the weirdness of Dr. Lou: in essence, it is the pep talk without any illusions of football-related advice. Last year I created a drinking game to accomplish the Lou Holtz Pep Talk. In order to bring you the latest in ethanol poisoning creativity, I have devised a drinking game to accompany the insanity of Dr. Lou.
Take ONE drink:
When the you hear the “Dr. Lou” song.
If Rece Davis makes an uncomfortable segue into or out of the segment.
If Dr. Lou makes a joke related to his “credentials”.
If a quarterback of a high-profile team calls in.
If a coach of a high-profile team calls in.
If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor.
For hyperbole.
Take TWO drinks:
If Mark May makes a snide remark about Dr. Lou’s advice.
If Dr. Lou’s answer has nothing to do with the question.
If a caller asks a question that has nothing to do with the game of football.
If Notre Dame is mentioned in any capacity.
If you understand less that 60% of a given sentence.
If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor that you remember from one of last year’s Pep Talks.
Take THREE drinks:
If Dr. Lou describes a creative way to rid the world of Mark May.
If Dr. Lou uses a really abrupt or non-existent segue.
If Dr. Lou predicts a Notre Dame victory.
If some non-football celebrity calls in.
If in your haze, you begin to confuse Lou for Droopy.
If you understand less than 40% of a given sentence.
If Dr. Lou uses magic.
If Dr. Lou uses a metaphor, folksy or otherwise, that you don’t understand.
CHUG:
If Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, and/or Desmond Howard calls in.
Are you clear with the rules? Okay. Now let’s try it out. REMEMBER: If using hard liquor, divide everything by two. With this rulebook, it’s probably best to stick to beer.
By my count:
1. One drink for the opening sequence
2. One drink for his doctor credentials
3. One drink for Tim Tebow = 3
4. Two drinks for “eyes” metaphor, which was used last year. = 5
5. Three drinks for “significant” metaphor (???) = 8
6. Two drinks for “you’re a special friend” = 10
7. One drink for Lloyd Carr = 11
8. Two drinks for golf question = 13
9. Three drinks for awkward segue = 16
10. Two drinks for answer that has nothing to do with the question = 18
11. Two drinks for “four things” metaphor = 20
12. Two drinks for “mother in law” metaphor = 22
So, for the first Dr. Lou segment, the total comes to 22 drinks, and if you can still read this, congratulations.
They say that punters aren’t real football. players. All they do is kick. They don’t score like kickers, they don’t throw, that don’t run, and they certainly don’t tackle.
Try telling that to Matt Bosher. Not only does he perform every kicking job for the Miami Hurricanes, but he can defend if he’s needed. Last Saturday against the Florida Gators he recorded three tackles. And I’m not talking weak, kicker, push-the guy out of bounds on the sideline tackles. No I’m talking about about take the guy, pick him up, and piledrive him into the ground tackles, two of which you can see at the 3:05 mark of this video.
Unfortunately, I had until recently not been able to find any evidence of his triumphs. Now you can see, with your very own eyes, the most awesome performance out of a punter you will see all year.
I would pay to watch Matt play safety, if only to see 5-7 of these tackles a week. Tyrod Taylor, consider your solar plexus warned.
Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford holds an emergency meeting with his football coaches after a particularly disastrous week for the conference.
Swofford: Hello everyone. I don’t think I need to explain why we’re here. You watched it all tight before your eyes. As you know, the realignment of the ACC was designed specifically to improve our football standing. So far, it appears to have had the opposite effect, as the teams who were expected to lead this conference have, shall we say, faltered. What has happened in the last four seasons is bad enough, but last week have made things really bad. Gentlemen, we are officially a football conference in crisis. Let’s start with the obvious. Tommy, what the hell happened in Atlanta?
T. Bowden: Well, I for one was quite surprised by the way the game turned out. Alabama came to play, and we never controlled the line of scrimmage, but I honestly don’t know exactly what went wrong.
Swofford: How were you not prepared for these guys? You were supposed to be the crown jewel of this conference, and you let the 5th best team in the SEC hold the ball for 41 minutes! FORTY ONE MINUTES! And you don’t know what went wrong? This always happens with your team! You have one of the most talented teams in the country….start playing like it!
Anyway, moving on. Frank, what your excuse for that eyebleeder of a game against East Carolina?
Beamer: Well, I thought that our defense played well, but we don’t have a great running game, and we were particularly unlucky to lose on that blocked punt.
Swofford: Oh come on! You have a fifth year senior at quarterback in his third year as a starter, and he still plays like a confused tree. What were you thinking redshirting Taylor? Glennon doesn’t have any athletes to fall back on!
Beamer: I know, but I’m thinking about the future, how good we’ll be in 20–
Swofford: for the sake of our conference, you need to worry about this year! Now where’s Tyrod?
Beamer: Well, to protect him until next year I had a few rogue Tech engineering students shrink him so I could store him under my chin graft.
Swofford: That’s mind-bendingly disgusting. Get him out of there.
Beamer: (sighs) fine. (Removes tiny Taylor from under chin, shoots with “VPI” unshrink ray)
Tyrod Taylor: (panting, wheezing) FREEEE – (gasp) – DOMMMMMMMmmmm…(Passes out from oxygen rush)
Beamer: He’ll be okay. Moving on, problem solved.
Swofford: I’ll deal with you later. As for you Tom, I know you’re rebuilding, and I know you lost your starter in the first half. But seriously, what the hell was that?
Tom O’Brien:
W e e l l l j o h n t h e r e w a s n t m u c h t h a t w e w e r e a b l e t o c o n t r o l i n t h a t g a m e i t h o u g h t w e w e r e o k a y u n t i l t h e d e f e n s e r a n o u t o f g a s i n t h e s e c o n d h a l f
Swofford: I don’t know. Yore offense never seemed to work no matter who was under center, and you made Chris Smelley look like an All-American. Say…you didn’t let your team watch Dr. Lou at halftime, did you?
O’Brien: U h h h h h h h h. . . . . . . . . . . n o?
Swofford: You’re lying. Moving on. Ralph, Butch, we all know about how challenging top I-AA teams are these days, but you’re pretty much the only BCS teams to let your opponents stay close.
Ralph: Well, we both have young teams–
Butch: In a transition period–
Ralph: And there were expectations built up–
Butch: And our guys bought into the hype–
Ralph: And the teams we played are FCS contenders–
Butch: But we won, and that’s what matters.
Swofford: Interesting… but that explanation makes about as much sense as German Spongebob!
It makes no sense. Unless you studied abroad in Freiburg.
Jim Grobe: Excuse me, but why am I here? Wake is one of the few teams pulling its weight here.
Swofford: You know I appreciate what you’re doing, Jim, but the mere fact that you might become a football powerhouse in this conference is alarming in its own right.
Grobe: 😦
Swofford: Now, on to Mr. Bowden. Sir, your team didn’t even play this week, and I already have a sinking feeling about you and your meteorologist quarterback.
B. Bowden: zzzzzzzzzz…..
Swofford: Tommy, could you make yourself useful and wake up your father?
T. Bowden: Daddy…Daddy, wake up, John wants to talk to ya. Daddy? DADDY!
B. Bowden: YOU’LL NEVAH CATCH MEE YUH VAAAAHL ITALIAN! YORE GOIN TO HEY-YULL! (pushes an unsuspecting Tommy)
T. Bowden: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH (falls out window)
Swofford: I guess that…er, inadvertently solves one problem for the moment. For the rest of you, Get your butts in gear starting this week. We need to rebuild our reputation. This meeting is adjourned.
Digital Headbutt 