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Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 10

Posted by Mike on November 14, 2007

After creating the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game a few weeks ago, the time has come do discover: how drunk would you have been had you actually played the game? Let’s find out.

 cuervo.jpg

Up next: his pep talk for Navy.

We immediately see the loose tie and addressing the audience “men”, as always, and the pep talk is for Navy, a mid-major (non ND independent) team who just gave up 59 points in a loss…to 1-AA Delaware. From what I can tell, I definitely see a left side sweep play on the bottom right corner of the white board. I can already tell that two of the three receivers aren’t in position to block, and the play would take too long to develop. one + one + two + three + five = twelve sips.

“Without people like me, there would have been no upper half of the class. My teacher once said ‘You know a lot of people don’t know what’s goin’g on. But Lou Holtz, you don’t even suspect that anything’s going on.'” Not only is this a weird anecdote that probably paints a gloomy picture of your life, but the irony regarding Lou Holtz’s (and really, ESPN’s) cultural awareness is almost overwhelming The irony alone is worth five sips. The quote, when tallied altogether, is two + three + five = ten sips.

What happens for the next minute is Pep Talk gold: a long anecdote about life, death, and backing away from promises, all for the sake of competition, and somehow bringing that all back to football with a hasty segue: “He swam back a mile and a half because he did not swim a mile. Men, we’ve lost to Notre Dame 43 times because we didn’t believe we could beat ’em once.”  It’s these kinds of anecdotes, that take up 75% of the time and only in the end let you know it has to do with your class, that make you smack your forehead in frustration. They’re also the oments that make a particular teacher memorable. It’s not enough to make you drink the whole bottle, though. Five sips. 

“Later on in life, you’re gonna say ‘I learned a valuable lesson and it wasn’t in the classroom. It was in the locker room, just prior to breaking that losing streak against Notre Dame. Let’s go!” If that isn’t hyperbole, nothing is. two + one = three sips. 

So, not including lisps (which can choose to count or not), you would have been required to drink 30 big sips of beer or 15 shots of liquor had you been playing the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game for Week 10.  In addition you would have been required to drink whatever remained of 1 gallon of beer or the bottle of liquor on Saturday, after Navy’s triple overtime victory over the Irish. In which case, it’s a miracle that you’re able to read this.

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Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Cult of Personality, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz, Patriotism at its finest, Pep Talk, stay off the sauce kids, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 3 Comments »

Mike Hart For Heisman

Posted by Mike on October 29, 2007

For the past month or so, I had been too distracted by Lou Holtz to throw my support behind any particular player for the Heisman trophy. But now, my decision is clear: the Heisman  should go to Mike Hart. Is it because he’s on pace to rush for over 1,500 yards and 18 touchdowns? Because he has single handedly kept the Wolverines in the Big Ten hunt and Lloyd Carr with a pension plan? Because he’s playing better football than many of the other potential candidates? Because his main rivals’ teams now keep taking turns in the Vietnamese boathouse? No, its because of his new campaign ads.

If these don’t get you pumped about Mike Hart’s Heisman campaign, nothing will.

Many thanks to Autumn Thunder for making these videos. 

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Big Ten, College Football, Michigan, Mike Hart, Patriotism at its finest, Stuff That Involves Things, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | Leave a Comment »

The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

Posted by Mike on October 11, 2007

If you’re like me, you turn into ESPN’s Thursday night football broadcast not for the football, but for the greatest 90 seconds on television: Lou Holtz’s weekly hypothetical pep talk for another squad. And if you’re a college student, a drinking game for such an event is long overdue.

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Consider your problem solved. I have created a game suitable to get you more wasted than you have ever gotten yourself in less than five minutes.* Here’s how it will work:

-Take 1 sip (half-shot if you’re using liquor) if:

  • Lou directs his talk toward a powerhouse program
  • He lisps at least twice in a sentence
  • Whenever he says “men”
  • Whenever he says “let’s go”
  • His tie is especially loose
  • NEW! He says something that you would expect to find in a fortune cookie

-Take 2 sips (1 full shot) if:

  • He makes an obscure analogy that only he understands
  • He directs his talk to a team that lost the previous week
  • He lisps at least three times in one sentence
  • He uses any prop other than an empty envelope
  • NEW! He commits a random act of hyperbole

-Take 3 sips if:

  • He directs his talk to a mid-major or Notre Dame
  • He lisps every word (and I mean every word) in a sentence at least twice
  • He paints a gloomy picture of your future as a human being
  • NEW! He asks you to ask yourself an important question
  • You recognize a play that he drew on the whiteboard

-Take 4 sips if:

  • His team loses in a close game
  • He uses a special article of clothing during the speech
  • His true inner rage is revealed at any point

angry-lou.jpg

  • Mark May or Rece Davis makes a sarcastic comment about the pep talk or one of the teams in question
  • NEW! He unwittingly makes an obscene hand gesture

-Take 5 sips if:

  • His team loses by at least 17 points or against the spread, whichever is larger
  • He makes at least three obscure analogies (NEW! Or one really, really big one)
  • You realize that said play on whiteboard would never work in real life

-Chug the whole pitcher down (drink the whole bottle of liquor) if:

  • His team wins
  • He performs a magic trick
  • He dances at any point during the speech
  • You’re ready to run through a wall afterwards

Last player to not pass out, not puke or the most sober guy after 2 hours wins.

So there you have it, way to make you Pep talk experience even more awesome. Did I leave something out? If so, let me know in the comments.
*At least, that’s how I think it will go down. I don’t drink, so it’s an educated guess. Results vary based on alcohol threshold. Also keep in mind that I am not trying to endorse binge drinking. But if you’re going to binge drink, there may as well be an objective to it.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EARS!, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, College Football, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz, Patriotism at its finest, Pep Talk, Tar Heel posts, YAW YAW YAW CAWLEDGE FOOBAW! | 34 Comments »

Games To Watch: College Football Week 6

Posted by Mike on October 6, 2007

#5 Wisconsin at Illinois (12:00 ET, ESPN): Despite being the #5 team in the land, the Badgers haven’t looked very impressive this year, and they’re the Vegas underdogs against Zook and the Illini. Can Wisconsin prove their skeptics wrong?

Kansas at #24 Kansas State (12:00 ET, FSN): It’s the Battle for the Governor’s Cup (aka the Sunflower Showdown), and for the first time in recent memory, both teams are good heading into this matchup. It’s “GET IN MY BELLY!”…

…versus the Power Towels. Who ya got?

Miami at North Carolina (12:00 ET, ESPN2): UNC comes home after a road trip against two ranked opponents, and the next two home game’s aren’t any easier. But the Hurricanes didn’t look too impressive against Duke, and UNC pulled the miracle upset against a top 5 Miami team the last time they came to Chapel Hill. A  s always, the live blog is at Tar Heel Mania.

#10 Oklahoma vs. #19 Texas (3:30 ET, ABC): One week ago this might have been the week’s premier game, between two top 10, undefeated conference opponents in one of the nation’s biggest rivalry. Unfortunately for them, Kansas State and Colorado spoiled that party. Well, at least there’s always the artery-clogging experience that is the Texas State Fair. Seriously, they found a way to fry soft drinks!

deep_fried_coke.jpg

#12 Georgia at Tennessee (3:30 ET, CBS): Without a successful season, Phil Fulmer could be in serious trouble in Knoxville. In the way of a win today is the Bulldogs, who are a staggering 23-3 on the road in SEC play under Mark Richt.

#15 Virginia Tech at #22 Clemson (6:00 ET, ESPN): Past history says that this is the kind of game that Clemson will lose. Can Tommy Bowden’s team change the status quo against the Hokies’ tough defense?

#4 Ohio State at #23 Purdue (8:00 ET, ABC): Both teams are undefeated, but neither have really been challenged this season. Now is the time for them to prove whether or not they are true contender.

#20 Cincinatti at #21 Rutgers (8:00 ET, ESPN2): Of all the BCS teams in the top 25, the Bearcats probably have to be the biggest surprise. At 5-0, they face a Rutgers team reeling from a loss to Maryland last week, and looking for revenge after Cincy dashed their conference title hopes last year.

#8 Florida at #1 LSU (8:00 ET, CBS): The big matchup of the week, possibly the entire year. Even though Florida lost to Auburn last week, they’re right back in the title hunt with a win in Death Valley. But can anyone beat the Tigers right now?

Needless to say, today will be a great day in college football.

Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Big 12, Big East, College Football, Florida Gators, Get Pumped!, Kansas, Kansas State, LSU, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, NCAA, Ohio State, Patriotism at its finest, Rutgers, SEC, Tar Heels, Texas, UNC, Virginia Tech, what is this hyperbole of which you speak?, YAW YAW YAW CAWLEDGE FOOBAW! | 2 Comments »

Huevonazo of the Week: Tottenham Ball Boy

Posted by Mike on September 24, 2007

Granted, the hit was just above the nether region, and the video has been all around the blogosphere this weekend. But how could I not post this huevonazo from this year’s UEFA Cup. An athlete took an intentional hit from a mischievous ball boy; what’s not to love?

Posted in England, EPL, Funny Videos, Futbol, GOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!, HUEVONAZO!, Patriotism at its finest, Premier League, Tottenham, UEFA Cup | Leave a Comment »

Get Ready For Football, With The Decleater!

Posted by Mike on August 28, 2007

The college football season is finally upon us. The long sports winter has finally come to an end! The mere prospect of real, meaningful football has gotten me excited for the past week. This past Tuesday, the first day of school at UNC, I had not taken twenty steps onto campus before saying “hey” to Joe Dailey (what I should have said was “interception!”). I then headed straight for Kenan Stadium, one of the best college stadiums in America (to watch a football game? not so much lately…but that will change soon enough).

Looking onto the field began the synapses in my head, and my mind began racing with anticipation of this Saturday. Still, I think we all need a real adrenaline rush to get us pumped up before the college football season. So this post is dedicated to the single greatest play in all of football: the decleater. A hit so hard that it knocks your opponent clean off his feet.

decleater.jpg

YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Why is it this game’s greatest play? Because it works on so many levels. The mere hit acts as a simple but effective means of physical intimidation on your opponent for the rest of the game. When a receiver gets knocked to the turf by a safety, he’s going to think twice about running a route in the middle of the field. When a defender is decleated on a huge block, he knows to keep his head on a swivel for the rest of the game. When a running back runs you over, it could ruin you psychologically for an entire season. And when the home team delivers a big decleater, everyone watching the game notices, jumps out of their seats, and cheers their lungs out. It can be the ultimate home field advantage.

Not a single play in football, not even a touchdown, is more motivating than a bone-crushing hit. Before we begin the season anew, we must pay homage. And what better way to do that than a huge supply of YouTube decleaters?

We’ll start with some big defensive hits:

What’s better that a decleating hit on defense? A bone-crushing block on offense!

This one is special because it’s a quarterback who make the huge block, and he drills two guys:

The best decleaters, however, have to be the ones delivered by running backs on unsuspecting defensive backs. And in college, few were better at it than Florida State’s Greg Jones.

This final hit I was (un?)fortunate enough to see live, in Kenan Stadium. It was the first game of the 2003 season, August 30th. The last time my Tar Heels met the Seminoles in Chapel Hill, we destroyed them 41-9 for Bunting’s first career win en route to a six-game winning streak and an 8-5 record in 2001, including a Peach Bowl victory over Auburn. After that the last of Mack’s recruits left, and the bottom fell out in 2002. Still, we had UNC’s best-ever QB in Darian Durant, who had been hurt for most of the previous year. So I was somewhat optimistic that Coach Bunting could turn things around in 2003. (By the way: to those of you cursing out UNC’s QB situation from last year, I have one name for you: C.J. Stephens. Just the thought of him under center will keep me awake tonight.)

Any hope I had for that season was destroyed on this play.

Ugh. Not very good memories. I need to cleanse my palate a bit:

That’s better. Okay, NOW I’m ready to greet this season the right way, and I hope that this helpd you to get ready as well.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Big blocks, College Football, Florida State, football, Get Pumped!, NCAA, North Carolina, Patriotism at its finest, Tar Heels, The Decleater, This is why the Internet was invented, Videos, what is this hyperbole of which you speak? | 10 Comments »