Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!’ Category

The Date Is November 12th…

Posted by Mike on November 12, 2008

…And every team in the ACC still has a shot at bowl eligibility.

Atlantic Coast Conf All
Wake Forest 4-2 6-3
Florida State (20) 4-2 7-2
Maryland 3-2 6-3
Boston College 2-3 6-3
Clemson 2-4 4-5
North Carolina State 1-4 3-6
Virginia Tech 3-2 6-3
North Carolina (17) 3-2 7-2
Miami (FL) 3-2 6-3
Georgia Tech 4-3 7-3
Virginia 3-3 5-5
Duke 1-4 4-5

Eight teams have already sewn up spots, and Virginia can win one of two to make it. Wake, BC, Florida State and Virginia Tech all did what they needed to do on Saturday, while the Clemson and Virginia did not. Clemson needs to beat Duke this Saturday, and then The Tigers, Blue Devils, and Wolfpack all need to win out to make this possible.

At this point in the season, the scenario is neither likely nor in any way desirable. But the mere fact that we’re having this conversation in mid-November is nothing short of mind-boggling.


Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football | 3 Comments »

How To Make EVERY ACC TEAM Bowl Eligible

Posted by Mike on November 4, 2008

Coming into the season, pretty much everyone knew that this ACC season was going to be crazy. But not this crazy:

Atlantic Coast Conf All
Maryland (23) 3-1 6-2
Wake Forest 3-2 5-3
Florida State (24) 3-2 6-2
Clemson 2-3 4-4
Boston College 2-3 5-3
North Carolina State 0-4 2-6
Georgia Tech (22) 4-2 7-2
Miami (FL) 3-2 6-3
Virginia 3-2 5-4
Virginia Tech 2-2 5-3
North Carolina (19) 2-2 6-2
Duke 1-3 4-4

Four teams are currently bowl eligible (North Carolina, Maryland, Georgia Tech and Miami), Five more are one game away from bowl eligibility (Florida State, Boston College, Wake Forest, Virginia, and Virginia Tech), and two more have a .500 record (Clemson, Duke). Only NC State as a losing record, and even the Wolfpack have been competitive in their last three losses. No one has been formally eliminated from bowl contention, and only two teams (NC State and Clemson, because the Tigers played two FCS teams) need a record above .500 to achieve qualification.

Are you wondering how every ACC Team can become bowl eligible? Sure you are. Here are the scenarios that must happen. A number is placed in parentheses as another team becomes bowl eligible. ACC geams not mentioned are fairly irrelevant towards the goal of bowl eligibility.

Week 11 (Nov. 6th/8th):

NC State beats Duke

Boston College beats Notre Dame (5)

Virginia beats Wake Forest (6)

Week 12:

Clemson beats Duke

NC State beats Wake Forest

Florida State beats Boston College (7)

Week 13:

Clemson beats Virginia

NC State beats North Carolina

Duke beats Virginia Tech

Week 14:

Clemson beats South Carolina (8)

Duke beats North Carolina (9)

NC State beats Miami (10)

Virginia Tech beats Virginia (11)

Wake Forest beats Vanderbilt (12)

Everyone would have a recored of 6-6 or better, but no one Maryland would escape with fewer than four losses. This scenario is a tad far-fetched. But in the bizarro conference that is the ACC, it’s impossible to dismiss.

Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Stuff That Involves Things | 4 Comments »

Dr. Lou Drinking Game

Posted by Mike on September 19, 2008

In an earlier post the weirdness of Dr. Lou: in essence, it is the pep talk without any illusions of football-related advice. Last year I created a drinking game to accomplish the Lou Holtz Pep Talk. In order to bring you the latest in ethanol poisoning creativity, I have devised a drinking game to accompany the insanity of Dr. Lou.

Take ONE drink:

  • When the you hear the “Dr. Lou” song.
  • If Rece Davis makes an uncomfortable segue into or out of the segment.
  • If Dr. Lou makes a joke related to his “credentials”.
  • If a quarterback of a high-profile team calls in.
  • If a coach of a high-profile team calls in.
  • If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor.
  • For hyperbole.

Take TWO drinks:

  • If Mark May makes a snide remark about Dr. Lou’s advice.
  • If Dr. Lou’s answer has nothing to do with the question.
  • If a caller asks a question that has nothing to do with the game of football.
  • If Notre Dame is mentioned in any capacity.
  • If you understand less that 60% of a given sentence.
  • If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor that you remember from one of last year’s Pep Talks.

Take THREE drinks:

  • If Dr. Lou describes a creative way to rid the world of Mark May.
  • If Dr. Lou uses a really abrupt or non-existent segue.
  • If Dr. Lou predicts a Notre Dame victory.
  • If some non-football celebrity calls in.
  • If in your haze, you begin to confuse Lou for Droopy.
  • If you understand less than 40% of a given sentence.
  • If Dr. Lou uses magic.
  • If Dr. Lou uses a metaphor, folksy or otherwise, that you don’t understand.


  • If Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, and/or Desmond Howard calls in.
  • If Charlie Weis or Jimmy Clausen calls in.
  • If Dr. Lou dances.
  • If Dr. Lou wishes bodily harm upon you, the viewer.
  • If in your haze, you begin to confuse Lou for a 45 year old woman.
  • If Dr. Lou uses a smaller TV personality to make him look tall (e.g. Ryan Seacrest or Mike Tirico).
  • If You understand 100% of the entire segment.
  • If Dr. Lou gives you advice that you can actually use.
  • If a coach, such as Bill Stewart, calls in because they legitimately need advice.

Are you clear with the rules? Okay. Now let’s try it out. REMEMBER: If using hard liquor, divide everything by two. With this rulebook, it’s probably best to stick to beer.

By my count:

1. One drink for the opening sequence

2. One drink for his doctor credentials

3. One drink for Tim Tebow = 3

4. Two drinks for “eyes” metaphor, which was used last year. = 5

5. Three drinks for “significant” metaphor (???) = 8

6. Two drinks for “you’re a special friend” = 10

7. One drink for Lloyd Carr = 11

8. Two drinks for golf question = 13

9. Three drinks for awkward segue = 16

10. Two drinks for answer that has nothing to do with the question = 18

11. Two drinks for “four things” metaphor = 20

12. Two drinks for “mother in law” metaphor = 22

So, for the first Dr. Lou segment, the total comes to 22 drinks, and if you can still read this, congratulations.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Drink! Drink! Drink!, ESPN, Lou Holtz | Tagged: | 7 Comments »

The Pep Talk is Dead, Long Live Dr. Lou

Posted by Mike on August 28, 2008

Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The Bad news is that the legend that was the Lou Holz Pep Talk, and thus our drinking game affiliated with it, has been put to pasture.

The good news is that ESPN’s new Holtz segment has the potential to be even more surreal. It has many of the Pep Talk characteristics, except for football-related concepts. You know…the part of the Pep Talks that actually made sense.

And now, without further ado I present to you “Dr. Lou”. And remember, no matter who you are or where you’re reading this, you’re a special friend.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Never a Bad Time for a Funny Photo, Part II: Bulls Resign Luol Deng

Posted by Mike on July 31, 2008

The Chicago Bulls have given Deng, a restricted free agent, a six year contract worth $71 million.

Why does this matter to me, you ask? Because it gives me an excuse to post this Duke picture, which his agent undoubtedly used as leverage.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Basketball, Dook, Fun with pictures, Stuff That Involves Things, Tar Heel posts, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | Leave a Comment »

Sifl Given 2012 Olympic Mascot Honors for Bravery in the Moon Wars

Posted by Mike on July 23, 2008

And, apparently, an Olympic medal and silver dye job. His moon comrades were not so lucky, however.

Hard to believe that this show was on MTV ten years ago.

(Inspiration: BBC via Deadspin)

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Bad Sports Fashion, Olympics, Sifl & Olly | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »