Never a Bad Time for a Funny Photo, Part II: Bulls Resign Luol Deng

The Chicago Bulls have given Deng, a restricted free agent, a six year contract worth $71 million.

Why does this matter to me, you ask? Because it gives me an excuse to post this Duke picture, which his agent undoubtedly used as leverage.

Roman Abramovich Secretly Replaces Manchetser United Midfielder Park Ji-Sung With Rain

It’s the latest step that the Russian is taking to make sure Chelsea wins the Champions League Final (after Man U’s special Tuesday night room service and sending Cristiano Ronaldo down the wrong path). Will anyone in Moscow notice the switch between the midfielder and the King of K-Pop?

Uhhhhh…probably.

Joe Paterno Announces Successful Recruitment of Richard Pryor

 

 

The Penn State coach eagerly awaits Pryor’s letter of intent.
State College Police said they may intervene if Pryor attempts to come. Said the police chief, “One flesh-eating zombie running around town is bad enough.”

Brandan Wright All-Stars: ACC

This was originally posted on Storming The Floor.

Brandan Wright was a great player in his short time at Carolina. As half of one of the best 1-2 frontcourt punches in the nation, he led the ACC in field goal percentage, and was a big lift to a 12-deep UNC team which, when mentally in the game, could not be stopped.

However, Brandan had a weakness. Oh, did he have a weakness. His free throw shooting was terrible. The shooting motion was almost painful to watch, and Heels fans could hear the clang of the ball bouncing off the rim from the moment Wright drew a foul. It was especially painful when compared to Tyler Hansbrough, about an 80% free throw shooter. As great and talented a player as Brandan was, the one aspect of his Carolina career which I will always remember is OH MY GOD HE’S SHOOTING FREE THROWS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

So this is dedicated to the players who only shoot the ball smooth as silk when there’s a hand in their face. The great shooters of each conference who can’t hit a free throw to save their souls. These…are the Brandan Wright All-Stars of the ACC.

Center: Ryan Pettinella, Virginia. The 6-9 senior transfer from Penn has rapidly regressed in his free throw abilities during his college career. As a freshman, he shot 63.1 percent from the free throw line. Since then, the percentage has come down to 42%, to 24%, to an unbelievable 10% this season.

Read that again. Ten percent from the free throw line. Dave Leitao would get a better free throw percentage from a parapalegic with Tourettes in the student section. All of this despite shooting nearly 54% from the field.

Forward: Gani Lawal, Georgia Tech. The local freshman phenom from College Park is second in the ACC in field goal percentage (66.1), but is only 20 of 38 from the charity stripe, less than 53 percent.

Forward: Dwayne Collins, Miami(FL). The Hurricanes’ sixth man has been a valuable part of their 13-1 start, shooting 59.1% off the bench. However, with a 46.3 shooting percentage from the stripe. expect to see him on the bench in the final minutes.

Guard: Rakim Sanders, Boston College. The Eagles’ shooting guard, designated sharpshooter, and second leading scorer (behind the indispensable Tyrese Rice) is a paltry 36.4 percent from the line this season.

Guard: Cliff Hammonds, Clemson. You know I had to put a Clemson player on this list. While he was not involved in the Tiger’s charity stripe breakdown against North Carolina, his free throw percentage is perhaps the worst among ACC starters (35%), despite being one of the conference’s best 3-point shooters, 46.3% from beyond the arc.

So the next time your team is playing from behind late in a game, these are the players you need to foul.

(Dis)honorable mention: Brian Zoubek (Duke), Deon Thompson (UNC), Ismael Smith (Wake), The entire Clemson squad, except Terrence Oglesby, in their game against North Carolina.

Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 10

After creating the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game a few weeks ago, the time has come do discover: how drunk would you have been had you actually played the game? Let’s find out.

 

Up next: his pep talk for Navy.

We immediately see the loose tie and addressing the audience “men”, as always, and the pep talk is for Navy, a mid-major (non ND independent) team who just gave up 59 points in a loss…to 1-AA Delaware. From what I can tell, I definitely see a left side sweep play on the bottom right corner of the white board. I can already tell that two of the three receivers aren’t in position to block, and the play would take too long to develop. one + one + two + three + five = twelve sips.

“Without people like me, there would have been no upper half of the class. My teacher once said ‘You know a lot of people don’t know what’s goin’g on. But Lou Holtz, you don’t even suspect that anything’s going on.'” Not only is this a weird anecdote that probably paints a gloomy picture of your life, but the irony regarding Lou Holtz’s (and really, ESPN’s) cultural awareness is almost overwhelming The irony alone is worth five sips. The quote, when tallied altogether, is two + three + five = ten sips.

What happens for the next minute is Pep Talk gold: a long anecdote about life, death, and backing away from promises, all for the sake of competition, and somehow bringing that all back to football with a hasty segue: “He swam back a mile and a half because he did not swim a mile. Men, we’ve lost to Notre Dame 43 times because we didn’t believe we could beat ’em once.”  It’s these kinds of anecdotes, that take up 75% of the time and only in the end let you know it has to do with your class, that make you smack your forehead in frustration. They’re also the oments that make a particular teacher memorable. It’s not enough to make you drink the whole bottle, though. Five sips. 

“Later on in life, you’re gonna say ‘I learned a valuable lesson and it wasn’t in the classroom. It was in the locker room, just prior to breaking that losing streak against Notre Dame. Let’s go!” If that isn’t hyperbole, nothing is. two + one = three sips. 

So, not including lisps (which can choose to count or not), you would have been required to drink 30 big sips of beer or 15 shots of liquor had you been playing the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game for Week 10.  In addition you would have been required to drink whatever remained of 1 gallon of beer or the bottle of liquor on Saturday, after Navy’s triple overtime victory over the Irish. In which case, it’s a miracle that you’re able to read this.

Double Live-Blog: Oregon-Arizona St. 2nd Half/LSU Alabama 4th Quarter

Oregon-ASU updates in regular font; LSU-Bama updates in Italics.

8:16 pm: Alabama is forced to punt, and LSU will get the ball back with a chance to take back the lead.

8:20 pm: Byrd gets another catch deep downfield, and LSU is inside the 40 yard line.

8:23 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth down, but Colt David nails the 49-yard field goal to tie the game, 27-27. LSU was given a potential knockout punch, but they’ve gotten right back up. What a game.

8:28 pm: Parker-Wilson manages to scramble out of the pocket and get a first down on third and 4. What’s worse, Chavis Jackson is called for holding, anther LSU penalty. The Tigers now have 12 penalties against them, costing 111 yards.

8:30 pm: What a catch by Matt Caddell! Parker-Wilson throws a deep pass, and Caddell dive to make the big catch inside the 20.

BUT…the replay booth reverses the call! It’s ruled an incomplete pass. Looking at the replay, it could have gone either way, but its a big blow to the Tide, who now face 3rd and 19.

8:35 pm: Bama goes conservative on 3rd and long, opting for the screen. Dorsey chases Jonathan Lowe down, and the Tide will have to punt.

8:39 pm: After Oregon kick the opening kickoff out of bounds, Arizona is driving the ball efficiently to start the second half.

8:40 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth and inches. You know exactly what Les Miles is going to do next–give it to He…whaaa?? LSU is called for a false start, and now they must punt. In addition, the Tigers are called for a personal foul.

8:43 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Javier Arenas takes the punt, and he finds a huge seam up the middle of the field, going practically untouched into the endzone on the punt return. Alabama takes a 34-27 lead off of yet another big mistake by LSU. You know what? I’m now rooting for chaos. MAO!

8:46 pm: Arizona State kicks a field goal. Oregon’s lead has shrunk to 21-16…but they’re in position to score after a the ensuing kickoff brings the Ducks near midfield.

8:48 pm: Richard Hickson is open in the middle again, but he drops the ball this time, Second down for LSU.

8:49 pm: Arizona State takes over from their own 6 yard line, from what I think is an Oregon punt. I’ve been engrossed in the other game, so I honestly don’t know.

8:51 pm: LSU is forced into a 3-and-out, giving their opponent good field position…

8:52 pm:…and so is Arizona State.

8:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! What a run by Johnathan Stewart! He broke through an arm tackle, and he outran everybody before busting through one more tackle for the end zone. Oregon takes a 28-16 lead.

8:55 pm: LSU will get at least one more chance, with the ball and less than five minutes left.

8:57 pm: LSU is driving the ball to midfield, thanks to two big catches by Brandon Lafell.

8:58 pm: Early Doucet gets a good pass from Flynn, but the defensive back strips the ball out for an incompletion.

8:59 pm: On 3rd and 5, Flynn finds a receiver on a quick slant for a first down.

9:00 pm: Chris McGaha has had a big game tonight. He catches another big pass, this time down the middle, and Arizona State is driving again.

9:02 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Early Doucet makes the catch on 4th and 4, and he shake off the entire Alabama secondary to waltz into the end zone. The game is now tied , 34-34, with 2:49 left. How amazing is this?

9:04 pm: Oregon gets the ball back, but…on third down, a receiver drops the ball again. That’s his third dropped pass today, and the Ducks must punt.

9:06 pm: John Parker Wilson is sacked for the 6th time. The Tide now face 3rd and long.

9:07 pm: FUMBLE! LSU runs the all-out blitz, Wilson fumbles the ball, it rolls down inside the 5 yard line, and LSU recovers. What a turn of events. Mr. Wilson, you must secure that football. Don’t hold it so far from your body when being tackled.

9:12 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Jacob Hester dives into the endzone for the score. LSU now takes a 41-34 lead with less than 90 seconds left. Truly insane.

9:15 pm: The insanity continues…Wilson barely escapes the pocket, but he then gets a huge run to bring the Tide to midfield. 1:11 left.

9:16 pm: Jonathan Xenon comes thisclose to ending the game with an interception, but after another incomplete pass, Alabama face 4th down anyway.

9:19 pm: Keith Brown gets his hands on it…but Steltz jars the ball out! It’s an incomplete pass, and LSU escapes again!

Let me say this about the LSU win: In this stretch of four games, the Tigers have had every reason to lose each of their last four games, but no one told them that, they stood up to theses challenges, and they came back from three of these games to steal a win–and make no mistake, they have stolen these games against Florida, Auburn, and Alabama–and they now have a pretty clear road to Atlanta. LSU wins, 41-34.

Now..we can finally return to Oregon-ASU.

9:24 pm: Oregon scores again to end the third quarter. As we enter the fourth quarter of play, Oregon has taken a 35-16 lead. The Ducks have shut down the Arizona State offense in the second half.

9:27 pm: Arizona State, desperately in need of a score, goes three and out again. Oregon is taking control of this game.

9:33 pm: A potentially game changing series of events: Dennis Dixon is injured, and has been (at least temporarily) taken out of the game.

9:36 pm: Brady Leaf comes into the game, and he promptly goes three and out.

9:37 pm: Arizona State pinned back near their own endzone, but Michael Jones makes a huge catch 30 yards downfield. Arizona State is now in the hurry-up offense, with ten minutes left and in need of three touchdowns.

9:39 pm: Oregon is called, rightfully, for defensive holding, and the Sun Devils have a first down in Oregon territory.

9:42 pm: After three incompletions, Arizona State goes for it on fourth and 10…and Mcgaha gets big catch and an even bigger run afterwards to get a first down insode the 20.

9:43 pm: INTERCEPTION! On the very next play, a miscommunication leads to Carpenter throwing the ball into a crowd of 3 Oregon players. A receiver must have completely missed his route.

One of the things I don’t understand: both teams have excellent, speedy running backs, but both teams seem to have abandoned the run.

9:45 pm: Brady Leaf is still in the game, but now he’s handing it off to Johnathan Stewart, as the Ducks are trying to waste some clock.

9:49 pm: UPSET WATCH: Florida State 7, Boston College 0, Halftime.

9:53 pm: On the first play for Arizona State’s drive, Michael Jones catches another deep pass, and he runs to the 11 yard line. Another insane catch by Jones.

9:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Carpenter finds his tight end in the end zone. Rudy Carpenter now has 334 yards passing. Oregon leads, 35-23 after ASU takes the extra point, instead of the two point conversion that would have reduced the deficit to a TD, two pointer, and field goal.

9:56 pm: 5:10 remaining. Brady Leaf is still in the game.

9:59 pm: Oregon throws three passes, but two incompletions force a punt for Oregon. What was Mike Bellotti thinking? Oregon needed to eat up clock.

10:01 pm: What is possibly the most insane play of the game. Rudy Carpenter throws a deep pass under pressure, throws into triple coverage, and his tight end makes a spectacular leap for the catch, runs after the catch, but then fumbles as he’s brought down inside the Oregon 30, and the Ducks recover. That almost certainly seals the game for Oregon.

10:08 pm: The Ducks have managed to run the clock down to 21 seconds, ending any hope ASU had in this game.

10:10 pm: The game fittingly ends with a sack, as Oregon wins, 35-23. With this win, Oregon controls their Pac-10 destiny, moves to at least #4 in the nation, and ends Arizona State’s title hopes (barring, of course, an even more insane final month to the season. A good game, but the LSU game stole the show in another great day of college football.