Mike Hart For Heisman

For the past month or so, I had been too distracted by Lou Holtz to throw my support behind any particular player for the Heisman trophy. But now, my decision is clear: the Heisman  should go to Mike Hart. Is it because he’s on pace to rush for over 1,500 yards and 18 touchdowns? Because he has single handedly kept the Wolverines in the Big Ten hunt and Lloyd Carr with a pension plan? Because he’s playing better football than many of the other potential candidates? Because his main rivals’ teams now keep taking turns in the Vietnamese boathouse? No, its because of his new campaign ads.

If these don’t get you pumped about Mike Hart’s Heisman campaign, nothing will.

Many thanks to Autumn Thunder for making these videos. 

What to Watch: College Football Week 9

The last week or so has been extremely hectic (college midterms)…long story short, Digital Headbutt is back. On to this weeks College Football games:

#7 West Virginia at Rutgers (12:00 ET, ESPN): We haven’t heard much from Morgantown since their loss to South Florida, but they may be creeped their way back into the Big East and BCS discussions–if for no other reason than they haven’t lost since. Well, now they can hide no more. West Virginia, Rutgers welcomes you back to the boathouse. MAO!

North Carolina at Wake Forest (12:00 ET, Raycom/LF): Wake Forest has surprisingly done well enough so far this season  to have a decent chance at defending last year’s surprise ACC title.  UNC, meanwhile, is a 2-5 (1-2 ACC) team that’s thisclose to being a 6-1 (3-0) team. The Heels are coming off a bye week and the toughest part of their schedule, and this game should be much more manageable for UNC. As always, the live blog is on Tar Heel Mania.

#12 USC at #5 Oregon (3:00 ET, FSN): So Oregon, have you been sitting back, laughing as USC and Cal have played themselves out of the Championship picture? Now it’s your turn.

#10 South Florida at #23 UConn (3:30 ET, ABC): If you had told a college football aficionado five to ten years ago that a game between South Florida and Connecticut would be playing as top 25 teams in game that could very well determine the championship in a BCS conference…well, you’d probably be watching this game in a strait jacket.

#11 Florida vs. #18 Georgia (3:30 ET, CBS): In the crowded SEC East Standings, this game is important. For the fans at the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”, drinking is much, much more important.

Nebraska at #19 Texas (3:30 ET, ABC): The Lou Holtz Pep Talk is back…and it is glorious.

#9 Kansas at Texas A&M (7:00 ET, ESPN2): I smell an upset. Kansas’ schedule has been very easy so far, and Dennis Franchione has been backed into a corner, needing quality wins at the end of the season to help save his job.

#1 Ohio State at Penn State (8:00 ET, ABC): Ah, yes. Ohio State has had it way, way too easy so far. Tonight, against the Nittany Lions, we will get so see how good they really are. MAO!

#21 Cal at #4 Arizona State (10:15 ET, FSN): Much like Ohio State and Boston College, Arizona is arguably undefeated because they haven’t faced the tough opponents on our schedule this year. The Golden Bears are reeling, having lost their last two conference games to inferior opponents. We’ll se if they can step up today, and create even more chaos in the race to the BCS championship.

That’s 13 hours of great college football today….you’ll get exhausted just watching.  

We Have Been Denied The Pep Talk This Week

Revolt, for we must fight for what is rightfully ours.

A Secret Identity Revealed: Austin Powers’ New Life In College Football

Austin Powers was the man. In the 1960’s he had become one of the greatest and most beloved international spies that this world has ever known. But beneath his story lies a secret…that his story is not yet over.

 Let us begin with what you know. The story goes that Austin was at the peak of his game as a spy in 1967, and had his arch nemesis, Dr. Evil, completely cornered in his secret Nevada lair. But Dr. Evil bought himself just enough time to escape in a rocket/cryogenic chamber, and shoot off into space to return at an undetermined later date, when Austin was either dead, or too old to fight him. The British secret service, all but certain that Austin was the only man who could stop Dr. Evil,  decided to counter his move by cryogenically freezing Mr. powers until Dr. Evil’s return to earth.

That was the official story. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned about international intelligence, it’s that agencies only reveal what they want you to know. Only now, through a obscure photograph, can we realize the truth.

It turns out that Mr. Powers was never frozen at all. MI-6 was well aware that cryonics caused irreversible tissue damage, and concluded that a frozen Dr. Evil could not be revived anytime in the forseeable future, and thus was no longer a threat. At this point, Austin wanted to retire and go into another profession. But he would never be able to do so under his current identity; any job taken by the most famous spy in the world would have the inherent risk of death at the hands of foreign governments, still unaware or skeptical of his “retirement”.

No, they had to change his identity completely. Appearance, accent, body build, even his personality…everything. And so MI-6’s work on Mr. Powers truly began. They hired the world’s top plastic surgeons to rebuild him from the ground up, and put him through what is today the most extensive brainwashing program ever declassified, to make him the exact opposite of a British spy hipster–a football coach from the American heartland.  He learned all that there was to know about down home Americana, and more American football than the rest of his countrymen put together would ever know. In 1969, his new life would begin as the head coach at a small college, William & Mary. Over the next 30 years, he would eventually become one of college football’s most well known figures.

However, MI-6 now admits that just enough of the old Austin remained to attempt a fruitful search for his current persona. There had been suspicions as to which college coach he had become, but it was not until this photograph from a 1976 press conference was found that his true identity would be revealed:

 

Austin Powers, one of the world’s greatest spies, has lived a completely different life in retirement…as Lou Holtz.

What to Watch: College Football Week 7

#12 Virginia Tech at Duke (12:00 ET, R/LF Sports): Duke has played in several close games, and seem to be due for a win. If there’s anything we can predict about the ACC, it’s that it’s unpredictable. Can Thaddeus Lewis and the Blue Devils pull off a huge upset at home?

…

…

HA! Just kidding. They’re gonna get clobbered. But I had you going for a second, didn’t I?

#18 Illinois at Iowa (12:00 ET, ESPN2): I battle any sex or any race, you beatin’ me is like Billy Crystal playin’ Scarface! I can’t see it, I’m blind to the eyes, I came up in your face Oops Pow Surprise! OHHHHHHHH!!!

Illinois will win, unless Iowa’s offense is reminded that the season is underway.

Georgia Tech at Miami (12:00 ET, ESPN): Tech has been very disappointing, with 3 conference losses already. But that doesn;t mena they can upset the Hurricanes and throw yet another wrench into the clusterf— that is the ACC.

#7 South Carolina at North Carolina (3:30 ET, ABC): As always, the live blog is on Tar Heel Mania. Seemingly every big team has been the recipient of an upset, except for South Carolina. Everyevery little team has had a chance at the big upset, except for North Carolina. The time has come.

#1 LSU at #17 Kentucky (3:30 ET, CBS): Kentucky’s biggest game of the year, while a loss for LSU (as predicted by the Lou Holtz pep talk) would make the BCS picture even murkier. This is almost certainly the biggest game of the day. You know, in case you aren’t interested in non-conference matchup between two pseudo rivals, one of whom has a losing record.

#4 Boston College at Notre Dame (3:30 ET, NBC): The National Notre Dame Schadenfruede continues…

#11 Missouri at #6 Oklahoma (6:30 ET, FSN): The Tigers have been surprising everyone this year, but they get their biggest test in Norman today. Can Chase Daniel stay out of trouble against the Sooners?

#22 Auburn at Arkansas (7:45 ET, ESPN): Darren McFadden is going to have a big game tonight. He better, or else Houston Nutt will need to text message his letter of resignation on the sideline.

The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

If you’re like me, you turn into ESPN’s Thursday night football broadcast not for the football, but for the greatest 90 seconds on television: Lou Holtz’s weekly hypothetical pep talk for another squad. And if you’re a college student, a drinking game for such an event is long overdue.

Consider your problem solved. I have created a game suitable to get you more wasted than you have ever gotten yourself in less than five minutes.* Here’s how it will work:

-Take 1 sip (half-shot if you’re using liquor) if:

• Lou directs his talk toward a powerhouse program

• He lisps at least twice in a sentence

• Whenever he says “men”

• Whenever he says “let’s go”

• His tie is especially loose

• NEW! He says something that you would expect to find in a fortune cookie

-Take 2 sips (1 full shot) if:

• He makes an obscure analogy that only he understands

• He directs his talk to a team that lost the previous week

• He lisps at least three times in one sentence

• He uses any prop other than an empty envelope

• NEW! He commits a random act of hyperbole

-Take 3 sips if:

• He directs his talk to a mid-major or Notre Dame

• He lisps every word (and I mean every word) in a sentence at least twice

• He paints a gloomy picture of your future as a human being

• NEW! He asks you to ask yourself an important question

• You recognize a play that he drew on the whiteboard

-Take 4 sips if:

• His team loses in a close game

• He uses a special article of clothing during the speech

• His true inner rage is revealed at any point

• Mark May or Rece Davis makes a sarcastic comment about the pep talk or one of the teams in question

• NEW! He unwittingly makes an obscene hand gesture

-Take 5 sips if:

• His team loses by at least 17 points or against the spread, whichever is larger

• He makes at least three obscure analogies (NEW! Or one really, really big one)

• You realize that said play on whiteboard would never work in real life

-Chug the whole pitcher down (drink the whole bottle of liquor) if:

• His team wins

• He performs a magic trick

• He dances at any point during the speech

• You’re ready to run through a wall afterwards

Last player to not pass out, not puke or the most sober guy after 2 hours wins.

So there you have it, way to make you Pep talk experience even more awesome. Did I leave something out? If so, let me know in the comments.
*At least, that’s how I think it will go down. I don’t drink, so it’s an educated guess. Results vary based on alcohol threshold. Also keep in mind that I am not trying to endorse binge drinking. But if you’re going to binge drink, there may as well be an objective to it.