Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘nutshots’ Category

Terrelle Pryor Commits to Duke

Posted by Mike on February 9, 2008



In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

“Second, have you met Thad Matta? You think I can put up with 3 years of looking at that guy? I mean, you could land small spacecraft on that beak.”


His reasoning did not end there.

“The Duke football program has a lot of enticing aspects for me”, Pryor said. “One is the hiring of David Cutcliffe. He oversaw the development of both Manning brothers in their college careers, and look at what they’ve accomplished.

“Playing for the Blue Devils also takes the pressure off. If I start right off the bat at QB at Michigan, Ohio State, or Penn State, and they have three 8-4 or 9-3 seasons, I’m considered a huge disappointment. If I have one such year at Duke, I will be a God. I will be known as the man who did the impossible, who did what no one else could in the last 20 years of Duke football. Winning a Big Ten title at Ohio State or Michigan happens every other year. But to lead the Blue Devils to a bowl game…now that says something to Heisman voters and pro scouts.”

The explanation for his choice was a bit outlandish, yet well-reasoned so far. However, his final and most important reason dumbfounded everyone.

“Most of all,” said Pryor, “there was one very important reason why I made this decision. And that was to absolutely piss off every college fan in America.”

“You see, as the unanimous #1 prospect in America, I hold all the cards in the collective emotion of college football fans. Both Michigan and Ohio State have been pulling out all the stops to prevent the other from signing me. Simply signing for a different team would have maddened millions of fans around the midwest. But was I satisfied with that? Oh, no. If I was, I would have inked my LOI with Penn State. No, to anger them further, and begin to cause unrest for all who keep track of recruiting, I had to delay my decision past signing day.”

“And then there’s my basketball considerations. If I choose a basketball school, my decision must enrage people who have never kept track of recruiting before. I had to accomplish two things to send an entire nation to the door of their athletic directors, pitchforks and torches in tow. First, I had to choose a football program that was so lowly that every fan, no matter what school, would jump out of their chairs and say “dammit. If Duke had a chance with this guy, my coach damn sure should have had him on speed dial!” Second, my basketball choice had to be a team that everyone loves to hate.”

“Weighing in all of those factors, there was only one choice that would succeed in enraging every collegiate fan in America. I had to go to Duke.”

No one had any explanation for Pryor’s behavior. Some had begun to suspect the influence of his summer as a part-time clerk at the Jeannette, Pa. branch of Popcopy. When why he wanted to anger so many sports fans, he responded “Why? ‘Cause f–k ’em, that’s why!”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Terrelle than left the press conference, got into his Corvette, and floored it for New Jersey’s southern enclave.



Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Duke, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, nutshots, Recruiting, Tar Heel posts, Terrelle Pryor, this isn't real | 14 Comments »

Huevonazo of The Week: Tailgating

Posted by Mike on November 11, 2007

Football + testosterone + alcohol = fun. It’s a simple equation, really. This video is also a representation of the final minutes of yesterday’s game against NC State:

I went to college a little early, so I can relate to “OH MY GOD! LITTLE MAN! YES!” However, when an adult female was running with me, it was usually a teacher desperately trying to stop me from dropping a piece of school property from a 3rd story balcony. Ah, yes, I quite fondly remember my “physics experiments”.

Posted in Great Moments in Stupidity, HUEVONAZO!, nutshots, stay off the sauce kids | 1 Comment »

Huevonazo of the Week: Huevonazo To End All Huevonazos

Posted by Mike on October 8, 2007

This video was first purveyed to you mortals in the ALDS live blog, but it’s so insane that it deserves to have its own post. This is how to properly promote your rock band on television:

If you can’t read Japanese, it says “New Single Yonaoshi” Good Vibration from Sex Machineguns, a Japanese thrash metal band. Why yes, I do have the corresponding music video:

These guys are awesome. That was the huevonazo to end all huevonazos. Oh, and the music’s good, too.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Cruelty to mascots, Great Moments in Stupidity, HUEVONAZO!, Japan, Nihongo ga hanasemasu ka?, nutshots, Things that are more fun in foreign dialects, This is why the Internet was invented, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | Leave a Comment »

Huevonazo of the Week: Alexander Ovechkin

Posted by Mike on September 3, 2007

You may not have noticed, but we’re just a few weeks away from the NHL preseason. Snuck up on you, didn’t it? So to appease your need for hockey, this week’s huevonazo comes courtesy of former Buffalo Sabres captain Daniel Briere, who takes a shot at Alexander Ovechkin.

Apparently, this particular groin shot was a retaliation for a cheap shot that Ovechkin put on Briere earlier in the season.

Not only do you have a huevonazo this week, you get a context and storyline behind it. Which makes it worth, like, one and a half regular huevonazos, so there.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Hockey, HUEVONAZO!, NHL, nutshots | Leave a Comment »

Huevonazo of the Week: Robin van Persie

Posted by Mike on August 29, 2007

It hurts bad enough when some guy comes up behind you and kicks between your legs as hard as he can. It’s even worse when he plays for your most hated rival.

Here we see Arsenal striker Robin van Persie take a really good huevonazo from a former Tottenham defender, who I’m fairly certain is Swede Erik Edman.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Funny Videos, Futbol, HUEVONAZO!, nutshots, Skit Ocksa!, soccer | Leave a Comment »

Huevonazo of the Week: Your Trainer

Posted by Mike on August 24, 2007

When someone kicks a soccer player in the groin, it’s funny. When a soccer player takes a huevonazo from his own trainer, when he’s already injured, it’s just wrong. And by “wrong”, I mean mind-bendingly funny.



Posted in Futbol, HUEVONAZO!, nutshots, soccer, Things that are more fun in foreign dialects | 1 Comment »