Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘Nick Saban’ Category

Double Live-Blog: Oregon-Arizona St. 2nd Half/LSU Alabama 4th Quarter

Posted by Mike on November 3, 2007

Oregon-ASU updates in regular font; LSU-Bama updates in Italics.

8:16 pm: Alabama is forced to punt, and LSU will get the ball back with a chance to take back the lead.

8:20 pm: Byrd gets another catch deep downfield, and LSU is inside the 40 yard line.

8:23 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth down, but Colt David nails the 49-yard field goal to tie the game, 27-27. LSU was given a potential knockout punch, but they’ve gotten right back up. What a game.

8:28 pm: Parker-Wilson manages to scramble out of the pocket and get a first down on third and 4. What’s worse, Chavis Jackson is called for holding, anther LSU penalty. The Tigers now have 12 penalties against them, costing 111 yards.

8:30 pm: What a catch by Matt Caddell! Parker-Wilson throws a deep pass, and Caddell dive to make the big catch inside the 20.

BUT…the replay booth reverses the call! It’s ruled an incomplete pass. Looking at the replay, it could have gone either way, but its a big blow to the Tide, who now face 3rd and 19.

8:35 pm: Bama goes conservative on 3rd and long, opting for the screen. Dorsey chases Jonathan Lowe down, and the Tide will have to punt.

8:39 pm: After Oregon kick the opening kickoff out of bounds, Arizona is driving the ball efficiently to start the second half.

8:40 pm: LSU is forced into a fourth and inches. You know exactly what Les Miles is going to do next–give it to He…whaaa?? LSU is called for a false start, and now they must punt. In addition, the Tigers are called for a personal foul.

8:43 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Javier Arenas takes the punt, and he finds a huge seam up the middle of the field, going practically untouched into the endzone on the punt return. Alabama takes a 34-27 lead off of yet another big mistake by LSU. You know what? I’m now rooting for chaos. MAO!

8:46 pm: Arizona State kicks a field goal. Oregon’s lead has shrunk to 21-16…but they’re in position to score after a the ensuing kickoff brings the Ducks near midfield.

8:48 pm: Richard Hickson is open in the middle again, but he drops the ball this time, Second down for LSU.

8:49 pm: Arizona State takes over from their own 6 yard line, from what I think is an Oregon punt. I’ve been engrossed in the other game, so I honestly don’t know.

8:51 pm: LSU is forced into a 3-and-out, giving their opponent good field position…

8:52 pm:…and so is Arizona State.

8:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! What a run by Johnathan Stewart! He broke through an arm tackle, and he outran everybody before busting through one more tackle for the end zone. Oregon takes a 28-16 lead.

8:55 pm: LSU will get at least one more chance, with the ball and less than five minutes left.

8:57 pm: LSU is driving the ball to midfield, thanks to two big catches by Brandon Lafell.

8:58 pm: Early Doucet gets a good pass from Flynn, but the defensive back strips the ball out for an incompletion.

8:59 pm: On 3rd and 5, Flynn finds a receiver on a quick slant for a first down.

9:00 pm: Chris McGaha has had a big game tonight. He catches another big pass, this time down the middle, and Arizona State is driving again.

9:02 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Early Doucet makes the catch on 4th and 4, and he shake off the entire Alabama secondary to waltz into the end zone. The game is now tied , 34-34, with 2:49 left. How amazing is this?

9:04 pm: Oregon gets the ball back, but…on third down, a receiver drops the ball again. That’s his third dropped pass today, and the Ducks must punt.

9:06 pm: John Parker Wilson is sacked for the 6th time. The Tide now face 3rd and long.

9:07 pm: FUMBLE! LSU runs the all-out blitz, Wilson fumbles the ball, it rolls down inside the 5 yard line, and LSU recovers. What a turn of events. Mr. Wilson, you must secure that football. Don’t hold it so far from your body when being tackled.

9:12 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Jacob Hester dives into the endzone for the score. LSU now takes a 41-34 lead with less than 90 seconds left. Truly insane.

9:15 pm: The insanity continues…Wilson barely escapes the pocket, but he then gets a huge run to bring the Tide to midfield. 1:11 left.

9:16 pm: Jonathan Xenon comes thisclose to ending the game with an interception, but after another incomplete pass, Alabama face 4th down anyway.

9:19 pm: Keith Brown gets his hands on it…but Steltz jars the ball out! It’s an incomplete pass, and LSU escapes again!

Let me say this about the LSU win: In this stretch of four games, the Tigers have had every reason to lose each of their last four games, but no one told them that, they stood up to theses challenges, and they came back from three of these games to steal a win–and make no mistake, they have stolen these games against Florida, Auburn, and Alabama–and they now have a pretty clear road to Atlanta. LSU wins, 41-34.

Now..we can finally return to Oregon-ASU.

9:24 pm: Oregon scores again to end the third quarter. As we enter the fourth quarter of play, Oregon has taken a 35-16 lead. The Ducks have shut down the Arizona State offense in the second half.

9:27 pm: Arizona State, desperately in need of a score, goes three and out again. Oregon is taking control of this game.

9:33 pm: A potentially game changing series of events: Dennis Dixon is injured, and has been (at least temporarily) taken out of the game.

9:36 pm: Brady Leaf comes into the game, and he promptly goes three and out.

9:37 pm: Arizona State pinned back near their own endzone, but Michael Jones makes a huge catch 30 yards downfield. Arizona State is now in the hurry-up offense, with ten minutes left and in need of three touchdowns.

9:39 pm: Oregon is called, rightfully, for defensive holding, and the Sun Devils have a first down in Oregon territory.

9:42 pm: After three incompletions, Arizona State goes for it on fourth and 10…and Mcgaha gets big catch and an even bigger run afterwards to get a first down insode the 20.

9:43 pm: INTERCEPTION! On the very next play, a miscommunication leads to Carpenter throwing the ball into a crowd of 3 Oregon players. A receiver must have completely missed his route.

One of the things I don’t understand: both teams have excellent, speedy running backs, but both teams seem to have abandoned the run.

9:45 pm: Brady Leaf is still in the game, but now he’s handing it off to Johnathan Stewart, as the Ducks are trying to waste some clock.

9:49 pm: UPSET WATCH: Florida State 7, Boston College 0, Halftime.

9:53 pm: On the first play for Arizona State’s drive, Michael Jones catches another deep pass, and he runs to the 11 yard line. Another insane catch by Jones.

9:54 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Carpenter finds his tight end in the end zone. Rudy Carpenter now has 334 yards passing. Oregon leads, 35-23 after ASU takes the extra point, instead of the two point conversion that would have reduced the deficit to a TD, two pointer, and field goal.

9:56 pm: 5:10 remaining. Brady Leaf is still in the game.

9:59 pm: Oregon throws three passes, but two incompletions force a punt for Oregon. What was Mike Bellotti thinking? Oregon needed to eat up clock.

10:01 pm: What is possibly the most insane play of the game. Rudy Carpenter throws a deep pass under pressure, throws into triple coverage, and his tight end makes a spectacular leap for the catch, runs after the catch, but then fumbles as he’s brought down inside the Oregon 30, and the Ducks recover. That almost certainly seals the game for Oregon.

10:08 pm: The Ducks have managed to run the clock down to 21 seconds, ending any hope ASU had in this game.

10:10 pm: The game fittingly ends with a sack, as Oregon wins, 35-23. With this win, Oregon controls their Pac-10 destiny, moves to at least #4 in the nation, and ends Arizona State’s title hopes (barring, of course, an even more insane final month to the season. A good game, but the LSU game stole the show in another great day of college football.


Posted in Arizona State, Cluster---- to the BCS, College Football, Digital Headbutt, Live Blog, LSU, MAO!, NCAA, Nick Saban, Oregon, Pac 10, SEC, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | Leave a Comment »

Alabama vs. Florida State Live Blog

Posted by Mike on September 29, 2007

Two of the most legendary programs in college football, who have become…not as legendary, face off in Jacksonville this afternoon.

We’ll just start with this picture of Bobby Bowden. No rhyme or reason, it just creeps me out a bit.


5:04 pm: The Alabama offense is off to a bad start, going three and out and nearly throwing an interception. The ensuing punt is absolutely shanked, and FSU will start at midfield.

5:06 pm: Preston Parker makes a nice catch, but he runs his way out of a first down. 3rd and short.

5:07 pm: Antoine Smith gets the ball on third and short, and he gets the first.

5:08 pm: D’Vontre Richardson comes in for a down, but his play goes nowhere. Seriously, what has Xavier Lee done to fall to FSU’s #3 option?

5:10 pm: FSU punting from inside the 40? brawwwwwwk-brawk bawk bawk bawk.

UPSET ALERT: Colorado upsets #4 Oklahoma, 27-24.

5:11 pm: CBS needs to get rid of the K-State Power Towel music.

5:14 pm: I don’t care what the state of the Seminole football team is, I still get chills when Florida State plays the tomahawk chop on 3rd down. “WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST THROW IT AWAY RONALD CURRY?!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING THROWING INTO DOUBLE COVERAGE?!?” Sorry, flashbacks. Bama goes 3-and-out again.

5:26 pm: Right now we have two injuries, one for each team. Florida State’s Marcus Sims has an ankle injury and will likely not return. Meanwhile, Alabama tight end Travis McCall may have suffered a head injury after delivering a block. He fell down during the play, and hasn’t gotten up.

5:30 pm: McCall was able to leave the field under his own power. Very good news.

Meanwhile, Wilson’s pass on third down sails over everyone’s head, and Bama goes 3-and-out again. The Announcers repeatedly mentioned the wind as a big factor, and it;s pretty apparent in Bama’s punts.

5:33 pm: Carr gets the reception, but he’s short of the first down at the 28 yard line.

5:34 pm: Gary Cismesia, who already has the body of Sebastian Janikowski, misses the 45-yard FG despite having 20 mph wind on his side. Still scoreless, and the first quarter is winding down.

5:37 pm: Bama gets the ball again. Guess what happens? If you said 3-and-out, bad punt and good field position for Florida State, then you are correct!

5:39 pm: Drew Weatherford has done a good job of completing the short passes, but he has yet to go deep with the wind to his back.

5:42 pm: Preston Parker takes the snap on 3rd and 1, and he gets the first down. Suddenly, the Noles are back in business.

5:45 pm: The first quarter comes to a close, and the game is still scoreless. Let’s see how their respective offenses change when they switch sides of the field and wind direction.

5:48 pm: FSU can’t convert on 3rd and short, but the Seminoles decide to go for it on 4th and 1.

5:49 pm: Uh-oh. FSU calls a second timeout on their 4th down play. Either Bobby Bowden must be going insane on the bench, or he’s defying the logic of timeout use. They had a long, long time between quarters to decide what to do.

5:51 pm: Antoine Smith gets the first down, but not by much.

Both offensive have been uber-conservative so far.

5:53 pm: Weatherford throws a floter up for grabs, and Antoine Smith gets sent flying by Rashad Johnson, breaking up a potential catch.

5:55 pm: Now that the wind is against him, it looks like Weatherford can’t hit anything. FSU has to punt.

5:59 pm: Terry Grant gets a huge game on the swing pass, but he drives his head into the ground. He looks like he’s hurting badly.

6:02 pm: Grant, like McCall, was able to walk off under his own power.

6:04 pm: Wilson can’t do anything after the big gain by Grant, and Bama is forced to punt yet again. Even with the wind, their punter still can’t get decent yardage on his kicks.

This game is looking to be pretty ugly.

6:07 pm: Xavier Lee finally comes in at quarterback for the Seminoles.

6:09 pm: Aside from the QB draws (which Lee is good at), FSU’s offense doesn’t look much different with the quarterback change.

6:13 pm: Xavier Lee passes to De’Cody Fagg, who takes the ball for a huge gain…but it’s called back for only 6 men on the line. After a broken play on third down the Nokes are forced to punt again.

6:17 pm: Finally, the Tide get a first down beyond the 20 yard line. Wilson zips a pass right up the middle.

6:19 pm: Alabama manages to fumble twice (first a bad snap, then a fumble by Grant). They recover, but face yet another 4th down.

6:22 pm: Florida State nearly gets Bama’s punt blocked, but Fitzgerald manages to boot it 60 yards to the FSU 6.

6:24 pm: Another drive, another 3-and-out. This game has been really, really ugly. Someone, anyone, please score.

6:26 pm: After a delay of game and an average punt, Bama now has great field position and all 3 timeouts with about 3 minutes left. Not that they’ll do anything with it.

6:28 pm: Once again, Bama can’t do anything with the ball, and they to punt inside the 40.

6:34 pm: The first mercifully comes to an end. Alabama and Florida State are still scoreless, 0-0. Neither team has played aggressive at all. If I had to pick for one of these teams to score first, I would say Alabama, simply because they’re stable at the QB position. But it’s really frustrating to watch this kind of game; I can hardly imagine how hard it is on the coaches. About the most exciting part of this game so far has been the picture at the top of this post.

6:59 pm: Finally, a real offensive play from the Seminoles. After Lee throws for a first down, he hits Greg Carr on a comeback route on the ourside, and Carr makes a one guy miss, turning it upfield and eventually getting 28 yards. FSU is now in business.

7:01 pm: For this first time this entire game, a team finds itself in the red zone.

7:03 pm: STOP THE PRESSES! IT’S A MIRACLE! SOMEONE FINALLY SCORES A TOUCHDOWN! Xavier Lee throws the ball in the endzone to a wide open De’Cody Fagg for a touchdown. Florida State leads 7-0, and the offense is finally starting to look good with Lee at the helm.

7:08 pm: Alabama gets the ball at the 20. Terry Grant finds a big gap up the middle and gets the first down.

7:10 pm: Bama can;t do anything with the ball, and they have to punt again. No drive for the Tide has been longer than 6 plays.

7:13 pm: What a pass by Xavier Lee, He gets hit as he throws, but he still makes a pass forty yards downfield to a streaking Greg Carr, who takes the ball 58 yards to the 30 yard line.

7:15 pm: INTERCEPTION! Just when it looked like Lee was getting in a rhythm, he throws the ball to late to a wide open tight end, and a Bammer manages to run into the line of fire and get the pick.

7:21 pm: John Parker-Wilson runs a draw on 3rd and short. It looks like he got the first down, but Bowden is challenging the ruling. The call stands, and it costs Bobby a timeout.

7:25 pm: Wilson fires the pass, DJ Hall with the catch and spin move, and he gets big yardage after the catch. Finally, Alabama seems to be clicking on offense.

7:28 pm: Ouch. Just when it looked like Bama was in field goal range, Preston Dial moves before the snap and takes his team outside the 30 on 3rd down, and then Wilson gets sacked at the 39. Now the Tide will have to punt. I would hate to be Dial on the sidelines right now.

7:32 pm: Xavier Lee trips and falls during a run that would have surely been a first down. But Lee fires a nice pass on third down up the middle of the field to continue the drive.

7:34 pm: That was fast. The third quarter is already over, and Florida State has a 7-0 lead. The Seminoles certainly have the momentum right now, but Bama is one big play away from tying this game.

7:37 pm: Great. More power towel.

7:39 pm: FSU can;t do anything with the ball, and they punt to start the fourth quarter.

7:42 pm: John Parker-Wilson and DJ Hall are very lucky that the Noles didn’t pick that off.

7:43 pm: Keith Brown drops the pass to bring up fourth down, but D. J. Hall didn’t even try to run a route on that play. Alabama will punt yet again, and Tide fans cannot be happy with what they’ve seen tonight.

7:48 pm: Lee takes another QB draw, and this time he fights his way to a big gain and a first down.

7:49 pm: Lee runs out of the pocket and gives FSU another first down. the Seminoles have gotten over 200 yards of offense since Lee entered the game.

7:52 pm: The Crimson Tide brings the blitz right up the middle on 3rd down, sending Lee backpedaling before tossing a float pass up for grabs. Fagg catches it, but it;s short of the first down and Florida State has to punt.

7:57 pm: FUMBLE! John Parker Wilson tries to find someone on the left side, but Florida State sacks him, strips the ball, the the Seminoles have the ball at the Alabama 4.

7:58 pm: TOUCHDOWN! On the very next play, Antoine Smith runs to the right side, and he easily gets into the endzone. Florida State leads 14-0, and they’ve all but sealed up this game.

8:05 pm: Alabama is actually driving the ball right now. Four consecutive first downs for the Tide.

8:06 pm: Make that five! D. J. Hall makes a great catch, and suddenly Alabama is inside the FSU 25.

8:08 pm: Alabama is now down to the 15 yard line. 6:45 left in the fourth quarter.

8:10 pm: Wow…Alabama had 1st a goal, and suddenly the offense was unable to do anything. They face fourth down, and they have to score to stay in this game.

8:11 pm: TOUCHDOWN! What a play by D. J. Hall! Parker seem to overthrow, but Hall makes a huge leap to get the ball, and he manages to get both of his feet in bounds. Alabama now only trails 14-7 with 5 minutes left and all of their timeouts.

8:16 pm: TOUCHDOWN! A huge play for Florida State. Lee throws to De’Cody Fagg in single coverage, but them the ‘Bama cornerback misses the tackle, and Fagg outruns the entire defense 70 yards for the score. Florida State leads 21-7, and now they’ve officially put this game away.

8:24 pm: How does Tony Carter not catch that interception? It’s now fourth down, and Bama is down to their last chance.

8:25 pm: Wow…Brown nearly catches that ball for a touchdown, but Wilson throws it too high, the play is broken up by the FSU secondary, and the Seminoles take over on downs.

8:37 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Alabama drive down the field, and they cap it off with a pass down the middle to Keith Brown for the touchdown. But he gets lit up at the goalline, and he was out cold for about 10-20 seconds before finally coming to. He manages to walk to the sidelines, and Alabama trails 21-14 with 1:06 left. They have to go for the onside kick.

8:39 pm: ALABAMA RECOVERS THE ONSIDE KICK! …oR at least they appear to. But the referees say it was touched before the 10-yard mark. Looking at the replay, it hit a Bammer…on the helmet. A bad strike of luck for the Tide, but Florida State will win it.

8:43 pm: That’s your ballgame. Florida State wins, 21-14. Xavier Lee has earned the starting QB spot, and Nick Saban may suddenly be in hot water after this game.


Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Football, Florida State, Live Blog, Nick Saban, SEC | 1 Comment »

Vote For Digital Headbutt Or We Shoot The Saban

Posted by Mike on June 16, 2007

Round 3 of the Ladies…Hot Blogger Bracket is well underway, and right now I’m in a really close matchup with Sammy’s Sports Sermons. So desperate times call for desperate measures.


That’s right, I have captured the one that you seek. Vote for me, Digital Headbutt, or I will shoot the Saban, and he will never be heard from again.

Wait a minute…Who wrote this? Saban, did you write this behind my back?

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

GODDAMMIT! Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of the whole world! You think I’m a fool, Saban?!? DO YA?!? HUH?!? HUH?!?

(Saban nods ‘no’)

That’s what I thought. Now just sit there, and stop trying to screw this up!

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

Okay, where were we? Oh yes. What I meant to say was “If you vote for Digital Headbutt, we will reward you, the voters, by shooting the Saban, so he will never be heard from again.” He’s been a nuisance to all of us, and in doing this we won’t have to put up with his antics for the next 10-20 years. Even the Bammers don’t want that; they just don’t know it yet.

And to my Tar Heel faithful: thank you for voting. You’ve gotten me this far, now let’s kick it up a notch!

(Director) Aaaaaannnd Cut!

Good work people! Now that’s what I call a ransom video.

(Saban) Can I go home now?

Not yet. We need to make another tape addressing your followers. But first, some barbecue.

(Saban) With a side of lies?

We wouldn’t serve it to you any other way, Mr. Saban.

(Saban) Hooray!


Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Bracket, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, Great Moments in Stupidity, Hot Blogger Bracket, Mud Butt, Nick Saban, Patriotism at its finest, Sabanism, Shameless Self Promotion, This is why the Internet was invented, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | 4 Comments »

The Ten Commandments of Sabanism

Posted by Mike on April 26, 2007

(Author’s Note: I have uncovered this article, one that Mr. Saban will release to the public in the near future. I have been accidentally been trusted with this information for two reasons: one, he has no idea who I am, and two, I am an alum of the University of North Carolina, and thus have almost no affiliation with Alabama or the SEC. Or, for that matter, major college football. I guess that makes me an impartial observer of sorts.)

Hello, I’m Nick Saban. If you’re reading this, then let Me be the first to say, congratulations and welcome to Sabanism, a new way of living. Pretty much the entire state of Alabama has converted (save for a small enclave which I will surely smite on November 24th), and My religion continues to spread like cholesterol at a tailgate. I know how exciting my religion can be, but before you accept Sabanism, I want to set you a few ground rules that you must absolutely follow if you intend to be My subjects. These are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism:


1. I am Your Lord and God. If the Spring Game was an indication, you’ve already got this down cold. You’ve even used my wisdom to distract my detractors away from Tuscaloosa and towards Fayetteville, Arkansas. That was a piece of genius on our part.

2. Thou Shalt Not Make a False Idol. I come here expecting to be the one an only God, and you Pagans keep showing me this “Bear Bryant” crap. Why? What made that guy so special? You should know better than to worship him. If he’s so godly, then why did he die? FOR I AM IMMORTAL! Worship Me, dammit!

3. Thou Shalt not Swear His Holy Name in Vain. Or more specifically, use FOIA rights to look at His text messaging habits.

4. Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy. I think you’ve already got this one down. Thank Me that I didn’t make the Sabbath a Tuesday.

5. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. Which is Me in this case. In My religion, I am the provider, I am the birthgiver, I am the warrior, I am the dictator, I am the medicine man, I am the milk man, I am the mailman, I am the Wu-Tang Clan. Konichi-wa, bitches!


6. Thou Shalt Not Kill. Unless it’s Tommy Tuberville. Or Les Miles. Yeah, killing those guys would actually help Me out a lot. Could you do that for Me? If I do it, people could get suspicious. I’m the only person on Earth who kills with shurikens I set on fire. Sorry, that’s how I roll. Those things slice like nobody’s business when they’re on fire.

7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. I will NOT go 9-3, lose to Auburn, and have you start talking about Steve Mariucci, Dammit!

8. Thou Shalt Not Steal. That’s why I close practices to the public, stupid. Besides, you mortals would not be able to handle what I’ve been conjuring up in My playbook. Formations the likes of which have never been seen before. Let’s see how Phil Fulmer responds to the “shurikens on fire” formation! That’ll blow his brain all the way to the Flea Market…Montgomery…It’s just like…It’s just like…a Mini Mall!

9. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness. Wait. You know what? Scratch that one. It makes Me uncomfortable. New Commandment:

9. Thou Shalt Emulate My Hairstyle. There, that’s better.



10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Worldly Possessions. Especially When I leave to coach the San Diego Chargers in 2009. For Saban’s sake, can anyone, ANYONE count their money on the golf course in peace these days?

So those are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism. They will be etched in stone at the entrance to Bryant-Denny Stadium. Read it. Live it. Break any of them and I will personally come to your house and kick your balls to a pulp. So sayeth Nick Saban.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, NCAA, Nick Saban, Sabanism, SEC, Tar Heel posts | 15 Comments »