Dr. Lou Drinking Game

In an earlier post the weirdness of Dr. Lou: in essence, it is the pep talk without any illusions of football-related advice. Last year I created a drinking game to accomplish the Lou Holtz Pep Talk. In order to bring you the latest in ethanol poisoning creativity, I have devised a drinking game to accompany the insanity of Dr. Lou.

Take ONE drink:

• When the you hear the “Dr. Lou” song.

• If Rece Davis makes an uncomfortable segue into or out of the segment.

• If Dr. Lou makes a joke related to his “credentials”.

• If a quarterback of a high-profile team calls in.

• If a coach of a high-profile team calls in.

• If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor.

• For hyperbole.

Take TWO drinks:

• If Mark May makes a snide remark about Dr. Lou’s advice.

• If Dr. Lou’s answer has nothing to do with the question.

• If a caller asks a question that has nothing to do with the game of football.

• If Notre Dame is mentioned in any capacity.

• If you understand less that 60% of a given sentence.

• If Dr. Lou uses a folksy metaphor that you remember from one of last year’s Pep Talks.

Take THREE drinks:

• If Dr. Lou describes a creative way to rid the world of Mark May.

• If Dr. Lou uses a really abrupt or non-existent segue.

• If Dr. Lou predicts a Notre Dame victory.

• If some non-football celebrity calls in.

• If in your haze, you begin to confuse Lou for Droopy.

• If you understand less than 40% of a given sentence.

• If Dr. Lou uses magic.

• If Dr. Lou uses a metaphor, folksy or otherwise, that you don’t understand.

CHUG:

• If Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, and/or Desmond Howard calls in.

• If Charlie Weis or Jimmy Clausen calls in.

• If Dr. Lou dances.

• If Dr. Lou’s faux threat on Mark May’s life involves a knife, a frat party, and the Iron Bowl.

• If Dr. Lou wishes bodily harm upon you, the viewer.

• If in your haze, you begin to confuse Lou for a 45 year old woman.

• If Dr. Lou uses a smaller TV personality to make him look tall (e.g. Ryan Seacrest or Mike Tirico).

• If You understand 100% of the entire segment.

• If Dr. Lou gives you advice that you can actually use.

• If a coach, such as Bill Stewart, calls in because they legitimately need advice.

• If Dr. Lou tells you what “Holtz” means.

Are you clear with the rules? Okay. Now let’s try it out. REMEMBER: If using hard liquor, divide everything by two. With this rulebook, it’s probably best to stick to beer.

By my count:

1. One drink for the opening sequence

2. One drink for his doctor credentials

3. One drink for Tim Tebow = 3

4. Two drinks for “eyes” metaphor, which was used last year. = 5

5. Three drinks for “significant” metaphor (???) = 8

6. Two drinks for “you’re a special friend” = 10

7. One drink for Lloyd Carr = 11

8. Two drinks for golf question = 13

9. Three drinks for awkward segue = 16

10. Two drinks for answer that has nothing to do with the question = 18

11. Two drinks for “four things” metaphor = 20

12. Two drinks for “mother in law” metaphor = 22

So, for the first Dr. Lou segment, the total comes to 22 drinks, and if you can still read this, congratulations.