A Secret Identity Revealed: Austin Powers’ New Life In College Football
Posted by Mike on October 18, 2007
Austin Powers was the man. In the 1960’s he had become one of the greatest and most beloved international spies that this world has ever known. But beneath his story lies a secret…that his story is not yet over.
Let us begin with what you know. The story goes that Austin was at the peak of his game as a spy in 1967, and had his arch nemesis, Dr. Evil, completely cornered in his secret Nevada lair. But Dr. Evil bought himself just enough time to escape in a rocket/cryogenic chamber, and shoot off into space to return at an undetermined later date, when Austin was either dead, or too old to fight him. The British secret service, all but certain that Austin was the only man who could stop Dr. Evil, decided to counter his move by cryogenically freezing Mr. powers until Dr. Evil’s return to earth.
That was the official story. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned about international intelligence, it’s that agencies only reveal what they want you to know. Only now, through a obscure photograph, can we realize the truth.
It turns out that Mr. Powers was never frozen at all. MI-6 was well aware that cryonics caused irreversible tissue damage, and concluded that a frozen Dr. Evil could not be revived anytime in the forseeable future, and thus was no longer a threat. At this point, Austin wanted to retire and go into another profession. But he would never be able to do so under his current identity; any job taken by the most famous spy in the world would have the inherent risk of death at the hands of foreign governments, still unaware or skeptical of his “retirement”.
No, they had to change his identity completely. Appearance, accent, body build, even his personality…everything. And so MI-6’s work on Mr. Powers truly began. They hired the world’s top plastic surgeons to rebuild him from the ground up, and put him through what is today the most extensive brainwashing program ever declassified, to make him the exact opposite of a British spy hipster–a football coach from the American heartland. He learned all that there was to know about down home Americana, and more American football than the rest of his countrymen put together would ever know. In 1969, his new life would begin as the head coach at a small college, William & Mary. Over the next 30 years, he would eventually become one of college football’s most well known figures.
However, MI-6 now admits that just enough of the old Austin remained to attempt a fruitful search for his current persona. There had been suspicions as to which college coach he had become, but it was not until this photograph from a 1976 press conference was found that his true identity would be revealed:
Austin Powers, one of the world’s greatest spies, has lived a completely different life in retirement…as Lou Holtz.