Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day One
Posted by Mike White on July 28, 2007
Bear Grylls and Les Stroud are now facing the ultimate challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate survivor? Today, our heroes begin their journey.
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Sapporo, Japan. It’s winter, as both men enter a large helicopter, bound for the wilderness of Northern Hokkaido, near the center of the island.
Pilot: Everyone check your gear! we’re gonna be heading down soon!
Bear: (to camera): Hokkaido is a beautiful landscape, but it’s also deadly. Of the 3 million people who visit the island each year, four need rescuing.
Les: That doesn’t sound very intimidating…
Bear: I wasn’t finished!
Les: Sorry, Shakespeare.
Bear: …And more than 100 tourists die from hypothermia, volcanic activity, bear attacks, the yakuza, and even Pokemon.
Les: Okay, now you’re just making s— up.
Bear: Maybe you won’t be laughing tonight, when I have Pikachu for dinner!
Les: Not sure that’s a good idea. Last I checked, Anime characters have no calories.
Bear: Sure they do! You just have to cook it right. They have top be one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted, though. Whats the worst thing you’ve ever tasted?
Les: Celine Di-
Bear: You know what, I probably don’t want to hear about that.
Pilot: You guys have to check your gear! We’re going down!
Bear: Right, right.
Les: Lessee. I’ve got, multitool, aboot…3 raisins, an extra pair of waterproof pants, and of course, my trusty harmonica.
Bear: What are you gonna do with that, annoy the fish to death?
Les: Them, no. You, maybe.
Pilot: 30 seconds, 100 feet from the ground!
Bear: Knife, check. Water, check. Flint, check. Parachute, check.
Les: Parachute?
Bear: Yeah, why?
Les: Didn’t you hear the pilot?
Pilot: Five feet above the ground! Let’s go!
Bear: (climbs out helicopter, hangs on to edge, looks into camera) This is going to be my toughest survival challenge yet!
(blesses himself, jumps off skydive style with his back facing the ground)
(lands flat on his back five feet later)
(after three seconds, parachute deploys)
Les: Idiot. (nonchalantly walks out of helicopter, steps on Grylls’ stomach)
Pilot:
Les: Uh-oh.
Bear: Um, they’re gonna bring another one…right?
Les: Dude, it’s the Discovery Channel. That helicopter was worth more than the entire network.
Bear: I guess we’re really alone now.
Cameraman #1: (waves for attention)
Les: You guys don’t count!
———————————————-
Our heroes are at the top of a cliff, 5,000 feet up a mountain side, 30 miles southwest of the Shiretoko Peninsula. The helicopter just crashed in a nearby lake; our heroes now have absolutely no backup. They are completely alone.
Bear: That’s what I just said! Be original for chrissakes!
Sorry about that.
———————————————
Bear: (to camera) I’m off to find my bearings. I’m just gonna use a few of these cords to hunt or fish, but I’ve got to get to that ledge 2 miles away. That’ll give me a good vantage point but getting there won’t be easy.
(30 minutes later) To get to that little peak up there, I’m gonna have to climb up this cliff. Now when climbing a rock face like this, always remember to keep at least three points of contact, and to use your legs to drive you up, and your arms for balance.
(slips, falls onto rock outcrop between his legs)
Uuuuughhhh… also, remember, that if you’re a bloke, your man part should definitely not be your third point of contact with the cliff.
(At the top)Okay. From here I can get a good look at the sun, which is about to set right now, and of the terrain. The mountain sides that are facing me, they are completely covered with snow, and that means, that they are north facing. So that direction is southwest where Sapporo is, but my better bet is to the north, where I can get to the sea, and hopefully find a fishing settlement or something. But the sun is setting fast, and I have to get back to camp with Les.
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Meanwhile, Les Stroud has taken the remainder of the parachute and turned into a tent, a campfire, hunting gear, fishing gear, climbing gear, a pot for boiling food, and the pimped-out ride you see below, all before nightfall.
The night has fallen, and Bear is still far from camp. He must now find another place to sleep for the night.
———————————————
Bear: Well, I’ve found this little ice cave on one of these north faces. It’s not ideal, but I really don’t have any other option. The weather is starting to get really bad, and I have to get out of the wind.
Unfortunately, I can’t make a fire here, because these ice caves can be very delicate, and a lot of heat could melt the ice, and cause some chunks to come crashing down onto you, and there’s actually a story about a tourist from Tokyo, who got lost here, and tried to make a fire in an ice cave just like this. While he was sleeping, the heat from the fire, cracked the roof, and a 2-ton piece of ice came right onto his body. He stood no chance. And that’s why you have to be so careful in these things. It looks like it’s going to be a very cold night for me. At least, the ice will provide me with some fresh water to drink. I’m gonna try and get some sleep now.
———————————————
Meanwhile, Les has turned Bear’s parachute into much more comfortable accommodations.
Les: I’m feeling pretty good about tonight. I’ve got a good shelter, and a good fire, and the gear to find some food tomorrow. But still, I feel uneasy with all the legends of the creatures that live here. Luckily, I have my little harmonica to put me at a little more ease. Remember, the most important part of survival is to keep a cool head.
Les begins to play a basic blues tune on his harmonica. Off in the distance, he hears two Japanese Shamisen playing. A Deliverance-style musical duel ensues.
Bear hears this music off into the the distance. While the music is beautiful, just as in Deliverance it is a bad omen of things to come. Both men are now scared out of their wits. They try in vain to fall asleep as the moon rises in Hokkaido…on the first night of the Survive-Off .
POLL UPDATE: More than 160 votes for the Survive-Off have been cast on Ballhype. After reading the preview article, 52% of you think Bear Grylls will win, and 48% of you think Les Stroud will win. Bear was leading handily until the news that he might be faking some aspects of his survival journey. After watching how day one played out, it’s time for you to vote again…
Stay tuned for the Survive-Off Day 2, as our heroes face new and unforeseen challenges, such as volcanic activity, unforgiving weather, and…Doritos?
July 29, 2007 at 4:30 pm
That ride has nothing on Darren McFadden’s Crown Vic. And the last video is oddly hypnotizing.
Good job Mike.
July 29, 2007 at 4:35 pm
I chose that car specifically as the way someone in the Canadian wilderness would pimp his ride made. That’s how Les would do it.
Survive-off aside, those Shamisen guys are awesome.
July 29, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Why does it make it seem like Bear is an idiot and Les can do anything? Why dont one of you guys try to spend 3 years in the British Special Forces or French Foreign Legionnaire?
July 30, 2007 at 8:44 am
Go Bear… GOOOOO!
August 9, 2007 at 1:50 pm
I dont think anyone thinks Bear is an idiot, he just plays one on TV. I mean, if you were stuck in a real survival situation, who would you rather follow? Bear’s show is entertaining, but Its too set up to be called a real “survival” show.
Hand to hand combat then Ill give Bear the advantage. Surviving a week “or longer” in the wilderness and its outside his skill set.
August 17, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Day Two, please?
Please?
August 17, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Day Two will be up this weekend.
August 19, 2007 at 9:09 pm
This is hysterical Mike! I’m looking forward to day two. BTW, I just sent the link to Les. While he may not wish to comment. I’m hoping he’ll still enjoy your posts. By the way, wasn’t there another “Bear Grills” (sic) that went on an adventure in a central American jungle? Is that the same guy? The reason I ask is I swear that guy had alot deeper voice than the “Bear Grylls” in the pic above.
August 19, 2007 at 10:17 pm
I agree w/ Ashley! Besides, Bear’s much cuter!
October 1, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Obisouly Survivorman will win. He is rteal the shit with an accent is a faker with a tv crew and 30 other people! Les Stround or Survivorman is funny and tells us how to stay out of crap unlike bear who gets into crap and then shows you a wayu only an expert could do to get out of it. Les works hard he wins he can make fire out of anyrrting too.
October 1, 2007 at 10:03 pm
the shows are intended to be diffrent Survivorman is to show a survival situation as it takes place and Man vs. Wild is to show what you could do… with a camra crew while hanging out and drinking beer in between segments
October 3, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I think you all fail to realize that Les has all these items in various episodes because he acts out the survival situations like he was a real person. He has various items depending on what type of person would be in that situation and what they’d likely have with them.
October 29, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Did you ever notice how good Bear is at finding something to eat? You never see him go hungry. That’s a big part of survival. Les, on the other hand, is always going hungry. When he was in Alaska, he had to resort to eating rotton piece of fish that was dropped by an eagle. He had to eat that smelly piece of crap every day until the end of the show. He tried using nets and also a fish hook, but he couldn’t catch anything to save his life. They both do a great job with their shows, but my vote goes with Bear Grylls. The guy is just more believable.
November 4, 2007 at 9:18 pm
i think bear has advantage in this face-off ..because bear is more fit than les bear is like in his 20’s and les is like 45-50
my money is on bear
November 11, 2007 at 10:50 pm
If I were actually trapped somewhere with only one of them to help me survive, I’d take Les. He takes less risks. True, he is willing to go hungry, but sometimes I have the feeling that Bear likes eating weird things in front of the camera. Besides, the harmonica is cool. Les is much more the ordinary person, with a survival education.
December 7, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Kevin, the guy you’re thinking of is Ross McFadyen http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/survival/expert/expert.html
At the end of Discovery’s “I shouldn’t be alive” series they started showing what happened (in rerun) then what they
should have done. Les did the couple in the pickup truck somewhere in Wyoming I think & Ross did the guys who went
hiking & got lost in the Amazon. As for having to survive with someone I think I’d take Ross lol. But out of these
two I’d have to go with Les, he’s far more practical & as far as I can tell, more experienced. Bears show is
testosterone driven & most of his survival tactics are based on shock value. How many people watch him just to see
him drink his own pee or drink the water out of elefant poop? He probably has a medic on staff to counter all the
garbage he takes in.
December 26, 2007 at 3:19 am
Ken, you’re right! That was Ross McFadyen. Thanks for the clarification!! Ha! Yea, that’s probably a good ranking of capability. Although, in the extreme north (or Antartica) I’d have to go w/ Les (and, now that I think of it, I was impressed w/ his skills in the Sonoran desert too!). …btw, for what it’s worth (not much I’m sure) I think that couple in the pick-up was in NW Nevada.
Thanks!
January 4, 2008 at 8:04 pm
This is great! I just found this site today and I really enjoyed reading this. Mike White - you are a good writer! This is very creative and “realistic” (I can picture Bear and Les saying and doing these things.)
haha I also liked - “aboot…3 raisins”. Les has a nice Canadian accent.
Keep these survive-off installments comin’! Thanks!