Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘this isn’t real’ Category

Terrelle Pryor Commits to Duke

Posted by Mike on February 9, 2008

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In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

“Second, have you met Thad Matta? You think I can put up with 3 years of looking at that guy? I mean, you could land small spacecraft on that beak.”

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His reasoning did not end there.

“The Duke football program has a lot of enticing aspects for me”, Pryor said. “One is the hiring of David Cutcliffe. He oversaw the development of both Manning brothers in their college careers, and look at what they’ve accomplished.

“Playing for the Blue Devils also takes the pressure off. If I start right off the bat at QB at Michigan, Ohio State, or Penn State, and they have three 8-4 or 9-3 seasons, I’m considered a huge disappointment. If I have one such year at Duke, I will be a God. I will be known as the man who did the impossible, who did what no one else could in the last 20 years of Duke football. Winning a Big Ten title at Ohio State or Michigan happens every other year. But to lead the Blue Devils to a bowl game…now that says something to Heisman voters and pro scouts.”

The explanation for his choice was a bit outlandish, yet well-reasoned so far. However, his final and most important reason dumbfounded everyone.

“Most of all,” said Pryor, “there was one very important reason why I made this decision. And that was to absolutely piss off every college fan in America.”

“You see, as the unanimous #1 prospect in America, I hold all the cards in the collective emotion of college football fans. Both Michigan and Ohio State have been pulling out all the stops to prevent the other from signing me. Simply signing for a different team would have maddened millions of fans around the midwest. But was I satisfied with that? Oh, no. If I was, I would have inked my LOI with Penn State. No, to anger them further, and begin to cause unrest for all who keep track of recruiting, I had to delay my decision past signing day.”

“And then there’s my basketball considerations. If I choose a basketball school, my decision must enrage people who have never kept track of recruiting before. I had to accomplish two things to send an entire nation to the door of their athletic directors, pitchforks and torches in tow. First, I had to choose a football program that was so lowly that every fan, no matter what school, would jump out of their chairs and say “dammit. If Duke had a chance with this guy, my coach damn sure should have had him on speed dial!” Second, my basketball choice had to be a team that everyone loves to hate.”

“Weighing in all of those factors, there was only one choice that would succeed in enraging every collegiate fan in America. I had to go to Duke.”

No one had any explanation for Pryor’s behavior. Some had begun to suspect the influence of his summer as a part-time clerk at the Jeannette, Pa. branch of Popcopy. When why he wanted to anger so many sports fans, he responded “Why? ‘Cause f–k ’em, that’s why!”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Terrelle than left the press conference, got into his Corvette, and floored it for New Jersey’s southern enclave.

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Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Duke, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, nutshots, Recruiting, Tar Heel posts, Terrelle Pryor, this isn't real | 14 Comments »

An Open Letter To Michael Jordans Everywhere

Posted by Mike on August 3, 2007

michael-jordan.jpgTo All Michael Jordans of the Universe:

Y’all know me. I am not just a great basketball player. For a fifteen year span, I was the greatest basketball player of this and various unexplored solar systems. I am the reason basketball matters to dudes in Shanghai who can’t play any good to save their souls (yeah, I’m singling someone out, but let’s not directly discuss the Ao-Yay Ing-May).

I am calling upon you because I have been very disturbed about some recent news. I need to give a very important message:

Stop trying to ruin my good name.

All y’all Michael Jordan types are getting into some serious trouble lately, and it’s wrecking my reputation. All the time, people are asking me, “hey MJ, was that you who did a bad thing on the news?” and before I can defend myself, they say “Shame on you! You’re a terrible, terrible person. Now sign my Bulls jersey so I can sell it on eBay and I can finally pay someone to lose my virginity.” I’m sick of this. Being Michael Jordan, I’m busy enough trying to dodge bullets and bookies as is.

I’ve been keeping quiet about these kinds of stories, but this cracker is the last straw. Apparently some dude named Michael Jordan in South Carolina was caught fleeing for the Canadian border with $2.35 million from his clients. All day I’ve been getting phone calls and threats about that s—. Do I look like a lawyer to you, mo’fo’? I may be a slick endorser of shoes and undergarments that I never wear, but that doesn’t make me a lawyer! (By the way, you will never see me wear a Hanes in public until they let me plug my limited edition leopard skin man-thongs. It looks like those corporate geezers may be finally gettin’ with the times, but that topic is for another day.)

I simply cannot take this anymore. You Michael Jordans make me sick. That dude fleeing for Canada? That wasn’t me. The guy threatening a 40-year old Vietnamese woman in a Nike sweatshop? Not me. The MJ who bet $500,000 for the Spurs in Game 3 against the Suns “on a hunch”? Not me. The dude who played for the Wizards those two years? Definitely a fake. And don’t even get me started on that impostor who drafted those punks Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison. But the guy bumpin’ and grindin’ that cute white chick in Cabo? That was definitely me, ‘cuz I’m a player like that.

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Anyway, my point is, before you plan on even getting out of your goddamn house: call my lawyer and tell him what you’re doing 24/7. You will be sorry if you don’t. Because If ANY of you dudes slip up again, I am comin’ to your house. I will raid your fridge, bust your plasma screen, and bling myself out with your wife’s jewelry. Then I’ll wait for you to come home and kick you between the legs so hard, your kids will be sterile. Don’t think I won’t do it either. I got a short fuse and a black belt in bust-yo-ass.

So remember to watch your back, have a fantastic day, and tell your kids to stay in school.

Sincerely,

His Airness, The One True Michael Jordan

Posted in Basketball, Carolina, Chicago, Cult of Personality, Michael Jordan, Stuff That Involves Things, Tar Heels, this isn't real, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, what is this hyperbole of which you speak? | 8 Comments »

Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day One

Posted by Mike on July 28, 2007

Bear Grylls and Les Stroud are now facing the ultimate challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate survivor? Today, our heroes begin their journey.

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———————————————

Sapporo, Japan. It’s winter, as both men enter a large helicopter, bound for the wilderness of Northern Hokkaido, near the center of the island.

Pilot: Everyone check your gear! we’re gonna be heading down soon!

Bear: (to camera): Hokkaido is a beautiful landscape, but it’s also deadly. Of the 3 million people who visit the island each year, four need rescuing.

Les: That doesn’t sound very intimidating…

Bear: I wasn’t finished!

Les: Sorry, Shakespeare.

Bear: …And more than 100 tourists die from hypothermia, volcanic activity, bear attacks, the yakuza, and even Pokemon.

Les: Okay, now you’re just making s— up.

Bear: Maybe you won’t be laughing tonight, when I have Pikachu for dinner!

Les: Not sure that’s a good idea. Last I checked, Anime characters have no calories.

Bear: Sure they do! You just have to cook it right. They have top be one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted, though. Whats the worst thing you’ve ever tasted?

Les: Celine Di-
Bear: You know what, I probably don’t want to hear about that.

Pilot: You guys have to check your gear! We’re going down!

Bear: Right, right.

Les: Lessee. I’ve got, multitool, aboot…3 raisins, an extra pair of waterproof pants, and of course, my trusty harmonica.

Bear: What are you gonna do with that, annoy the fish to death?

Les: Them, no. You, maybe.

Pilot: 30 seconds, 100 feet from the ground!

Bear: Knife, check. Water, check. Flint, check. Parachute, check.

Les: Parachute?

Bear: Yeah, why?

Les: Didn’t you hear the pilot?

Pilot: Five feet above the ground! Let’s go!

Bear: (climbs out helicopter, hangs on to edge, looks into camera) This is going to be my toughest survival challenge yet!

(blesses himself, jumps off skydive style with his back facing the ground)

(lands flat on his back five feet later)

(after three seconds, parachute deploys)

Les: Idiot. (nonchalantly walks out of helicopter, steps on Grylls’ stomach)

Pilot:

Les: Uh-oh.

Bear: Um, they’re gonna bring another one…right?

Les: Dude, it’s the Discovery Channel. That helicopter was worth more than the entire network.

Bear: I guess we’re really alone now.

Cameraman #1: (waves for attention)

Les: You guys don’t count!

———————————————-

Our heroes are at the top of a cliff, 5,000 feet up a mountain side, 30 miles southwest of the Shiretoko Peninsula. The helicopter just crashed in a nearby lake; our heroes now have absolutely no backup. They are completely alone.

Bear: That’s what I just said! Be original for chrissakes!

Sorry about that.

———————————————

Bear: (to camera) I’m off to find my bearings. I’m just gonna use a few of these cords to hunt or fish, but I’ve got to get to that ledge 2 miles away. That’ll give me a good vantage point but getting there won’t be easy.

(30 minutes later) To get to that little peak up there, I’m gonna have to climb up this cliff. Now when climbing a rock face like this, always remember to keep at least three points of contact, and to use your legs to drive you up, and your arms for balance.

(slips, falls onto rock outcrop between his legs)

Uuuuughhhh… also, remember, that if you’re a bloke, your man part should definitely not be your third point of contact with the cliff.

(At the top)

Okay. From here I can get a good look at the sun, which is about to set right now, and of the terrain. The mountain sides that are facing me, they are completely covered with snow, and that means, that they are north facing. So that direction is southwest where Sapporo is, but my better bet is to the north, where I can get to the sea, and hopefully find a fishing settlement or something. But the sun is setting fast, and I have to get back to camp with Les.

———————————————

Meanwhile, Les Stroud has taken the remainder of the parachute and turned into a tent, a campfire, hunting gear, fishing gear, climbing gear, a pot for boiling food, and the pimped-out ride you see below, all before nightfall.

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The night has fallen, and Bear is still far from camp. He must now find another place to sleep for the night.

———————————————

Bear: Well, I’ve found this little ice cave on one of these north faces. It’s not ideal, but I really don’t have any other option. The weather is starting to get really bad, and I have to get out of the wind.

Unfortunately, I can’t make a fire here, because these ice caves can be very delicate, and a lot of heat could melt the ice, and cause some chunks to come crashing down onto you, and there’s actually a story about a tourist from Tokyo, who got lost here, and tried to make a fire in an ice cave just like this. While he was sleeping, the heat from the fire, cracked the roof, and a 2-ton piece of ice came right onto his body. He stood no chance. And that’s why you have to be so careful in these things. It looks like it’s going to be a very cold night for me. At least, the ice will provide me with some fresh water to drink. I’m gonna try and get some sleep now.

———————————————

Meanwhile, Les has turned Bear’s parachute into much more comfortable accommodations.

Les: I’m feeling pretty good about tonight. I’ve got a good shelter, and a good fire, and the gear to find some food tomorrow. But still, I feel uneasy with all the legends of the creatures that live here. Luckily, I have my little harmonica to put me at a little more ease. Remember, the most important part of survival is to keep a cool head.

Les begins to play a basic blues tune on his harmonica. Off in the distance, he hears two Japanese Shamisen playing. A Deliverance-style musical duel ensues.

Bear hears this music off into the the distance. While the music is beautiful, just as in Deliverance it is a bad omen of things to come. Both men are now scared out of their wits. They try in vain to fall asleep as the moon rises in Hokkaido…on the first night of the Survive-Off .

POLL UPDATE: More than 160 votes for the Survive-Off have been cast on Ballhype. After reading the preview article, 52% of you think Bear Grylls will win, and 48% of you think Les Stroud will win. Bear was leading handily until the news that he might be faking some aspects of his survival journey. After watching how day one played out, it’s time for you to vote again…

Who will win the survive-off?

Stay tuned for the Survive-Off Day 2, as our heroes face new and unforeseen challenges, such as volcanic activity, unforgiving weather, and…Doritos?

Posted in Bear Grylls, Deliverance, Funny Videos, Great Moments in Stupidity, Hokkaido, Les Stroud, Shamisen, Stuff That Involves Things, The Survive-Off, This is why the Internet was invented, this isn't real, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, what is this hyperbole of which you speak? | 37 Comments »

Previewing the NCAA Base…Wait…WHAT?!?

Posted by Mike on June 1, 2007

I was about to give a preview of the NCAA Baseball Tournament, but Lebron James’ performance last night has put all things on hold. He scored 48 points, including the last 25 points for Cleveland in the 4th Quarter and over time. Other people have said this already, but this is probably the best individual playoff performance in post-Jordan NBA history. If you didn’t see it (or want to see it again), Awful Announcing has complete coverage the crux of the replays. All hail You Tube. Again, an amazing performance by Lebron.

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It makes me wonder, however…would that late performance have even happened if Antonio McDyess stays in the game?

Posted in All Hail Lebron, Digital Headbutt, Lebron, NBA Playoffs, This is why the Internet was invented, this isn't real, WTF | Leave a Comment »

Curt Schilling Admits to Fake Moon Landing, WMDs

Posted by Mike on May 8, 2007

Recent comments by Gary Thorne have reignited the controversy over the sock that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling wore at Game 6 of the 2004 AL Championship Series. The public still does not know for sure if the blood on the sock was real or fake. To quell the rumors once and for all, a government backed private investigation firm put Schilling to a polygraph test and asked him a series of questions to determine whether the blood on the sock was real.

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The answers they got were far more shocking than they could have ever expected.

“About midway through the polygraph, the truth syrum started kicking in and Curt admitted to all kinds of things”, said the lead investigator, who wished to remain anonymous after the session’s revelations.

“We were beginning to go into details about the sock, and then he started yelling, ‘THE MOON LANDING! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE MOON LANDING! It was staged! It was staged! My dad filmed the whole thing in Morocco!’ We asked him a few probing questions about that statement, including if there were any indications to tell the landing was fake. his response: ‘Well, for one, we didn’t have the rocket technology to get to the moon yet. Russians and Americans were neck and neck in technology throughout the Cold War, and Russia wasn’t even close.” He was quickly asked why the Russians didn’t call America’s bluff, that if the moon landing was fake, surely the U.S.S.R would have noticed and proved it to the world, if for no other reason than to embarrass the enemy. Schilling responded, “because to this very day and for as long as the United States are in power, if the Russians say one word questioning the moon landing, Moscow will be wiped off the f—— map!”

It’s worth noting that we were told by the investigators what Schilling thought he was being given truth syrum, but actually ingested a concentrated version of Red Bull energy drink. This explains both the yelling and the fact that he was asleep for a day and a half afterwards. But the moon landing was only the beginning.

“Many people don’t know this,” said Schilling, “but do you know why the guy who leaked the Watergate scandal was called Deep Throat? BECAUSE IT WAS THE ACTUAL CAST OF THE MOVIE ‘DEEP THROAT’! DIDN’T YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!?”

“To be quite honest,” said the investigator, “we’re not quite sure of the so-called truth syrum was doing anything or if Curt was just drunk. I think we were just lucky that the alcohol and Red Bull created this highly altered state he was in that night.”

The revelations continued with a much more recent bombshell, in more ways than one. “I know for a fact that Sadaam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. How do I know? I actually went and purchased one from him! At the time he went under the eBay pseudonym “DeathToKurdistan3245″ and I thought the warhead would make an excellent accent piece for my living room. It just screamed ‘I’m gonna kick your ass if you mess with me’, don’t you think? I still have it. It makes a great centerpiece. The kids just have to be careful when they’re playing downstairs.”

All of this comes as a shock to everyone in the Red Sox organization. Everyone, that is, except Theo Epstein. “Yeah, I’ve heard this before. I was at Curt’s house for Thanksgiving dinner in 2003, and he told me that exact same thing. Schilling even showed me the WMD he kept in the living room. At that point I began to think of potential consequences if I didn’t sign him.”

Schilling could not be reached for comment. However, when asked about whether the blood on the sock was real, the investigator said, “now that…is an answer you will never, ever, ever pry out of that guy. Until we find a knew way to extract information out of minds, we are never going to know. What you should really be mad about is that we spent millions of tax dollars on this project.” He added “Uh, I’ve said too much” and ran off.

Posted in Baseball, Bloody sock, Boston, Cult of Personality, Curt Schilling, Digital Headbutt, MLB, Red Sox, this isn't real, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 3 Comments »