Digital Headbutt

A sports blog about stuff…stuff that involves things.

Vladimir’s Plan Works To Perfection

Posted by Mike on May 16, 2008

Russian Prime Minster and former President Vladimir Putin speaks regarding Zenit St. Petersburg’s historic victory over Rangers Wednesday night to capture the 2008 UEFA Cup.

HA HA! HA! All hail the mother Russia! A club representing our great communist nation has captured the UEFA Cup for the second time in four years! And best of all, this time we vanquished a smelly capitalist in doing so.

NOW do you still think DaMarcus Beasley’s injury in November was an accident? No…I knew this day was coming, and the power of our great communist nation broke the American’s leg. Well, that and a metal pipe. A pipe is the true weapon of a Komrade!

Today is a great day for Russia, and we thank Coach Mr. Dutch Genitalia Whatshisface for his contribution. As a reward for his service, he will have the undying gratitude of the people…and Russia will annex his flat in Utrecht. All hail the expansion of the Russian Empire! Death To the Scottish Capitalist Pigs and their Fried Snickers bars! Long Live Zenit, the Champions of Europe!

What? What’s that? Lower Cup? The Capitalists will win next week? Oh. Well, at least I’m still in charge.

What do you mean I have to leave the President’s office?

Well who the hell did they vote for?

Hold on for moment. I need a moment to myself. (locks and loads with AK-47, practices Judo organ-imploding fist technique)

Hey, Dmitry! Yeah you, short guy…can you spare a moment with the “Prime Minister-Elect”?

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