For the next six days and possibly beyond, the federal government of Norway has declared a national state of emergency. The nation fears that at an attempt at their sovereignty may come from Liverpool FC fans in the wake of countryman John Arne Riise’s own goal for the Reds in the first leg of their 119th consecutive UEFA Champions League semifinal matchup against Chelsea (1:15 mark).
The Norwegian Defense Force has been mobilized and is now in full force patrolling the country’s coast, airports, and border with Sweden. The government has made public their fears about the size and organization of Liverpool fans, and how ugly their response could be should Riise’s own goal in extra time ultimately become the goal that keeps the Premier League side from Moscow.
“Right now we’re preparing for the worst”, said Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg. “If there’s too much cheap beer flowing in northern England on the 30th and Liverpool stays out of the final by that one goal, retaliation against our people would be a near certainty.”
When asked about his government’s plan to slow down the potential onsluaght, Stoltenberg said: “At that point the only way we could stop them would be with a strategic supply of poisons at choke points. That means fried Snickers bars in Glasgow, Thorramatur from Iceland in Copenhagen, plastic marijuana leaves in Amsterdam, and ocular herpes in Hamburg. We hope that will weaken them enough that the Lutefisk on our shores will incapacitate them and end the threat.”
He added his worst case scenario. “Of course, we have no idea to what extent, or even if this plan will work. We could be just kidding ourselves. They eat the cuisine of Northern England; they may as well be vultures. My point is, that’s pretty much the only viable option we have. This is the same fanbase who may become the first group to completely overthrow an American capitalistic system. Meanwhile, two heroin junkies from Bergen with a pistol and a Jetta station wagon stumbled out of an Oslo museum with The Scream. If 70,000 determined hooligans make it to our shores, we’re pretty much screwed. At this point, I’m just hoping Avram Grant doesn’t show up in the aftermath looking for fresh brains.”
Riise could not be reached for comment, but we’re guessing he’s hiding out in Bill Buckner’s Idaho ranch right about now. So if you’re a Reds fan in the western US with nothing better to do, go…TP his hideout or something.
UPDATE (4/24): When even the UK-wide sports announcers lose it upon sight of the own goal, Norway is in it deep.