Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘Alabama’ Category

Alabama’s Upset Bid Falls Short

Posted by Mike on December 5, 2007

Despite having no real point guard (due to Ronald Steele’s knee injury) and having little inside presence outside of Richard Hendrix to neutralize Roy Hibbert, the Crimson Tide managed to fight until the very end tonight; until the final two minute, neither team led by more than 5 points. Key three point shooting from Jessie Sapp and Dajuan Summers, as well as Hibbert’s offensive rebounds and a few ill-advised passes, proved to be too much for the Crimson Tide, and the Hoyas eeked out a victory in the inaugural Big East/SEC Invitational.

It’s too bad. If Bama had pulled off the the victory, our first true upset of a top 5 team this year, I would have posted a clip of the famous “Alabama Man” just for the occasion. Instead, you’ll just have to settle for the French version.


Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Basketball, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Georgetown, NCAA | Leave a Comment »

Double Live Blog: LSU vs. Alabama, 1st Half

Posted by Mike on November 3, 2007

Note: If you’re looking for Oregon vs. ASU, click here.

Tonight, Digital Headbutt is going to live-blog two overlapping, huge college football games. The first one is LSU vs. Alabama. It’s Les Miles’ gigantic jewels versus Nick Saban’s Kool-Aid, for the SEC West.


I’ll admit that when my team isn’t doing very well (and UNC is 2-6 this year), I root for chaos in the national title picture. I’m even willing to admit that I was rooting for Auburn when LSU last played. However, Nick Saban neutralizes my desire for chaos. Go Tigers.

5:03 pm: Alabama gets the ball to start the game, returning the kickoff to the 38 yard line.

5:04 pm: John Parker-Willson’s first two passes are off the mark, putting Alabama in an early 3rd and long.

5:05 pm: LSU runs the all-out blits, but Parker-Wilson makes them pay with a pass to an open Caddell for a first down…barely.

5:05 pm: Wow. LSU DE Tyson Jackson almost intercepted that screen pass.

5:06 pm: Parker throws a deep floater on 3rd and 10, and Caddell is there to make the catch at the 20 yard line, as LSU overran the underthrown pass. Bama is knocking on the door.

5:08 pm: After a missed shot to the endzone and the Tide’s first rush, Parker-Wilson finally misses on 3rd down. Alabama settles for a field goal to take a 3-0 lead.

5:12 pm: LSU gets the ball, and they start with two runs to Jacob Hester. He gives them a quick first down.

5:14 pm: I know that LSU enjoys playing throwback football, but…a QB sneak on first and 10?

5:15 pm: Flynn rolls out, and he finds a wide open Richard Dickson in the middle of the field. 1st down, and LSU is at the Bama 35.

5:16 pm: the Tide leave the middle open again, and this time Flynn finds Early Doucet. LSU is now in the red zone.

5:18 pm: Alabama is caught offside, but then immediately Herman Johnson give the five yards back.

5:20 pm: Good coverage leads to two big sacks for Alabama. On the second sack, Flynn fumbled, and LSU is very lucky to still have the ball.

5:21 pm: Colt David nails the 44-yard field goal down the middleto tie the game, 3-3.

5:26 pm: Glenn Dorsey goes down, re-aggravating the injury he suffered during the Auburn game. It does not look good for him at all; let’s hope he’s okay.

5:28 pm: Dorsey was able to jog off the field on his own pow-INTERCEPTION! Chavis Jackson jumps on Caddell’s route, and he returns the pick to the Bama 13 yard line. The Tigers are back in business, and the Tide need another stop.

5:30 pm: Bama continues putting the pressure on Flynn, who was forced to throw a bad pass on second down.

5:31 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Flynn throws a quick screen to Doucet, and great downfield blocking allows Doucet to find his way to the middle of the end zone. LSU takes a 10-3 lead.

5:35 pm: Glenn Dorsey is being taken to the locker room.

5:36 pm: LSU has another injury. This time, it’s LB Gary Beckwith, who made a great play to stuff Terry Allen behind the line of scrimmage. That’s two key players in the front seven who are now out of the game.

5:38 pm: SACK! The cornerback blitz was completely unimpded, and Alabama will have to punt. LSU gets the ball at their own 46.

5:39 pm: LSU runs a trick play, a reverse pass, and it works almost to perfection. Doucet finds a wide open Flynn, who catches it and runs it inside the 20. However, Flynn’s knee was banged up on the play, and with Perriloux’s suspension, the Tigers may have to resort to their 3rd string QB, who transferred from Harvard.

5:43 pm: Apparently, Flynn doesn’t care about his knee. On the next play, he runs to the right side and nearly gets a first down before a hard tackle brings him down.

5:46 pm: The Tigers give it to Hester, who busts it to the 5 yard line. First and goal.

5:47 pm: The first quarter ends, with LSU leading 10-3. The second quarter willl start with LSU facing 3rd and goal, inches from the goal line.

5:53 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Jacob Hester was hit behind the line of scrimmage, but he knees driving and leans into the endzone. LSU takes a 17-3 lead to start the second quarter.

5:56 pm: Glenn Dorsey is back in the game, and he stuff the first down run at the line of scrimmage.

5:58 pm: Alabama tries the end-around to D.J. Hall. He runs out of room on the sidelines, and goes out of bounds for a 2 yard loss. Parker-Wilson misfires on the next pass, forcing the Tide to punt again.

6:04 pm: Hester gets some decent yardage on a screen play, but another Tiger is injured. This time it’s Herman Johnson.

6:08 pm: After an incomplete pass, LSU is forced to punt for the first time.

6:10 pm: Running Up The Score Watch: Kansas beats Nebraska, 76-39. I didn’t think I would ever see the day that the Nebraska defense allowed 76 points in a game.

6:12 pm: Interesting fact: John parker-Wilson has not completed any passes since the two third down catches by Caddell.

6:13 pm: Just as I say that: TOUCHDOWN! Parker-Wilson finds a wide open D. J. Hall deep downfield, who jogs into the endzone. LSU’s lead has shrunk to 17-10. The Tyson Jackson roughing the passer penalty really came back to bite the Tigers.

6:14 pm: Sonic is going the way of the Texas State Fair, with fried Macaroni & Cheese.

6:17 pm: Kieland Williams gets his first carry of the game. Shockingly, these two teams have combined for only 32 rushing yards thus far.

6:18 pm: INTERCEPTION! Flynn thinks he has single coverage, but Rashad Johnson swoops in fro the free safety position to get the pick. To make matters worse, LSU is called for a personal foul, and Alabama will start with great field position.

6:21 pm: Another penalty this time a facemask. The Tigers are pretty much shooting themselves in the foot; they had control of this game only six game minutes ago, and LSU has allowed Alabama back into this game.

6:23 pm: Another LSU defensive player is injured, and this time it’s Marlon Favorite.

Verne Lundquist tells us that Favorite’s rap was performing in the nightclub when the LSU players got into a fight. Hey, those guys wouldn’t have been in trouble if not for his satanic* hip-hop; blame him, LSU fans!

*If you just took that seriously, you probably shouldn;t be reading sports blogs.

6:25 pm: Beckwith breaks up the third down pass to the flat, forcing Alabama to punt. The Tide, However, drop the punt inside the LSU 10 yard line.

6:27 pm: INTERCEPTION! After an LSU penalty, Ezekiel Knight makes a great one-handed grab to give Alabama a first and goal at the LSU 10 yard line.

6:29 pm: LSU is called for pass interference, giving the Tide another first down. The Tigers seem to be mentally falling apart in the second quarter.

6:34 pm: Despite having only 5 yards to go, Alabama goes 3-and-out. The Tide trail 17-13 after settling for the field goal.

UPSET WATCH: Michigan State 24, Michigan 14, 4th quarter.

UNC WATCH: North Carolina 16, Maryland 10, 4th quarter.

6:43 pm: LSU is now driving the ball well again, thanks in part to Richard Dckson continuing to find holes in the middle of Alabam’s defense. A flynn run up the middle brings the Tigers into field goal range.

6:45 pm: PROGRAMMING ALERT: ASU-Oregon is about to begin.

6:50 pm: MATT FLYNN IS PICKED OFF AGAIN! This time, only Jacob Hester prevents the interception from being returned for a touchdown. Owever, he’s called for a personal foul after the play, and Alabama has the ball in the red zone with 1:07 left in the first half.

6:53 pm: TOUCHDOWN! John Parker-Wilson throws the ball into coverage, but Keith Brown makes a great play to make the catch and block the defenders from making a play. Alabama takes a 20-17 lead, and LSU’s second quarter nightmare is complete.The crowd in Bryant-Denny Stadium has gone completely insane.

6:59 pm: LSU has managed to drive into field goal range, and with 13 seconds left the Tigers have a chance to tie the game.

7:00 pm: After Flynn nearly throws another interception, Colt David’s field goal attempt is blocked to end the first half. Alabama leads, 20-17 at halftime. After LSU dominated the first quarter and completely botched the second quarter, I honestly have no idea what will happen in the second half.

Join me at the next post for the second half of this game and the first half of Oregon-Arizona State.



Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Cluster---- to the BCS, Live Blog, LSU, NCAA, Sabanism, SEC | 1 Comment »

Phase 1: Double Live Blog. Phase 2: ?. Phase 3: Profit!

Posted by Mike on November 3, 2007

Today’s UNC-Maryland game is ESPNU today, which is God’s way of telling me “Mike, do not watch this terrible game.” What his means for you is that Digital headbutt will have not one, but Two Live Blogs today.

First, we will cover #3 LSY at #17 Alabama at 5:00 pm ET. Nick Saban will be facing his former team for the first time, the winner will have sole possession of first place in the SEC West, and today is, quite possibly, the last time that LSU will truly be on upset alert until the SEC Championship game.


Overlapping that game will be a game with even bigger implications, #5 Oregon hosting #4 Arizona State at 6:45 ET. With USC and Cal out of the Pac 10 championship picture, the winner of this game has the inside track toward the Pac 10 championship, and perhaps even the BCS Championship game. The Ducks have been impressive all year, and would be undefeated if not for an ill-timed fumble against Cal. Meanwhile, Arizona State’s surprise run in Dennis Erickson’s first year could be their best chance for a national title before the inevitable Erickson departure/massive NCAA probation.

dennisdixon.jpg sainterickson.jpg

┬áSo stay tuned for the live blogs…because we know you’ve got nothing better to do for five hours.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Arizona State, Cluster---- to the BCS, College Football, Digital Headbutt, Live Blog, LSU, MAO!, NCAA, Oregon, Pac 10, SEC, yes this is a slow news day. how can you tell? | 1 Comment »

Alabama vs. Florida State Live Blog

Posted by Mike on September 29, 2007

Two of the most legendary programs in college football, who have become…not as legendary, face off in Jacksonville this afternoon.

We’ll just start with this picture of Bobby Bowden. No rhyme or reason, it just creeps me out a bit.


5:04 pm: The Alabama offense is off to a bad start, going three and out and nearly throwing an interception. The ensuing punt is absolutely shanked, and FSU will start at midfield.

5:06 pm: Preston Parker makes a nice catch, but he runs his way out of a first down. 3rd and short.

5:07 pm: Antoine Smith gets the ball on third and short, and he gets the first.

5:08 pm: D’Vontre Richardson comes in for a down, but his play goes nowhere. Seriously, what has Xavier Lee done to fall to FSU’s #3 option?

5:10 pm: FSU punting from inside the 40? brawwwwwwk-brawk bawk bawk bawk.

UPSET ALERT: Colorado upsets #4 Oklahoma, 27-24.

5:11 pm: CBS needs to get rid of the K-State Power Towel music.

5:14 pm: I don’t care what the state of the Seminole football team is, I still get chills when Florida State plays the tomahawk chop on 3rd down. “WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST THROW IT AWAY RONALD CURRY?!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING THROWING INTO DOUBLE COVERAGE?!?” Sorry, flashbacks. Bama goes 3-and-out again.

5:26 pm: Right now we have two injuries, one for each team. Florida State’s Marcus Sims has an ankle injury and will likely not return. Meanwhile, Alabama tight end Travis McCall may have suffered a head injury after delivering a block. He fell down during the play, and hasn’t gotten up.

5:30 pm: McCall was able to leave the field under his own power. Very good news.

Meanwhile, Wilson’s pass on third down sails over everyone’s head, and Bama goes 3-and-out again. The Announcers repeatedly mentioned the wind as a big factor, and it;s pretty apparent in Bama’s punts.

5:33 pm: Carr gets the reception, but he’s short of the first down at the 28 yard line.

5:34 pm: Gary Cismesia, who already has the body of Sebastian Janikowski, misses the 45-yard FG despite having 20 mph wind on his side. Still scoreless, and the first quarter is winding down.

5:37 pm: Bama gets the ball again. Guess what happens? If you said 3-and-out, bad punt and good field position for Florida State, then you are correct!

5:39 pm: Drew Weatherford has done a good job of completing the short passes, but he has yet to go deep with the wind to his back.

5:42 pm: Preston Parker takes the snap on 3rd and 1, and he gets the first down. Suddenly, the Noles are back in business.

5:45 pm: The first quarter comes to a close, and the game is still scoreless. Let’s see how their respective offenses change when they switch sides of the field and wind direction.

5:48 pm: FSU can’t convert on 3rd and short, but the Seminoles decide to go for it on 4th and 1.

5:49 pm: Uh-oh. FSU calls a second timeout on their 4th down play. Either Bobby Bowden must be going insane on the bench, or he’s defying the logic of timeout use. They had a long, long time between quarters to decide what to do.

5:51 pm: Antoine Smith gets the first down, but not by much.

Both offensive have been uber-conservative so far.

5:53 pm: Weatherford throws a floter up for grabs, and Antoine Smith gets sent flying by Rashad Johnson, breaking up a potential catch.

5:55 pm: Now that the wind is against him, it looks like Weatherford can’t hit anything. FSU has to punt.

5:59 pm: Terry Grant gets a huge game on the swing pass, but he drives his head into the ground. He looks like he’s hurting badly.

6:02 pm: Grant, like McCall, was able to walk off under his own power.

6:04 pm: Wilson can’t do anything after the big gain by Grant, and Bama is forced to punt yet again. Even with the wind, their punter still can’t get decent yardage on his kicks.

This game is looking to be pretty ugly.

6:07 pm: Xavier Lee finally comes in at quarterback for the Seminoles.

6:09 pm: Aside from the QB draws (which Lee is good at), FSU’s offense doesn’t look much different with the quarterback change.

6:13 pm: Xavier Lee passes to De’Cody Fagg, who takes the ball for a huge gain…but it’s called back for only 6 men on the line. After a broken play on third down the Nokes are forced to punt again.

6:17 pm: Finally, the Tide get a first down beyond the 20 yard line. Wilson zips a pass right up the middle.

6:19 pm: Alabama manages to fumble twice (first a bad snap, then a fumble by Grant). They recover, but face yet another 4th down.

6:22 pm: Florida State nearly gets Bama’s punt blocked, but Fitzgerald manages to boot it 60 yards to the FSU 6.

6:24 pm: Another drive, another 3-and-out. This game has been really, really ugly. Someone, anyone, please score.

6:26 pm: After a delay of game and an average punt, Bama now has great field position and all 3 timeouts with about 3 minutes left. Not that they’ll do anything with it.

6:28 pm: Once again, Bama can’t do anything with the ball, and they to punt inside the 40.

6:34 pm: The first mercifully comes to an end. Alabama and Florida State are still scoreless, 0-0. Neither team has played aggressive at all. If I had to pick for one of these teams to score first, I would say Alabama, simply because they’re stable at the QB position. But it’s really frustrating to watch this kind of game; I can hardly imagine how hard it is on the coaches. About the most exciting part of this game so far has been the picture at the top of this post.

6:59 pm: Finally, a real offensive play from the Seminoles. After Lee throws for a first down, he hits Greg Carr on a comeback route on the ourside, and Carr makes a one guy miss, turning it upfield and eventually getting 28 yards. FSU is now in business.

7:01 pm: For this first time this entire game, a team finds itself in the red zone.

7:03 pm: STOP THE PRESSES! IT’S A MIRACLE! SOMEONE FINALLY SCORES A TOUCHDOWN! Xavier Lee throws the ball in the endzone to a wide open De’Cody Fagg for a touchdown. Florida State leads 7-0, and the offense is finally starting to look good with Lee at the helm.

7:08 pm: Alabama gets the ball at the 20. Terry Grant finds a big gap up the middle and gets the first down.

7:10 pm: Bama can;t do anything with the ball, and they have to punt again. No drive for the Tide has been longer than 6 plays.

7:13 pm: What a pass by Xavier Lee, He gets hit as he throws, but he still makes a pass forty yards downfield to a streaking Greg Carr, who takes the ball 58 yards to the 30 yard line.

7:15 pm: INTERCEPTION! Just when it looked like Lee was getting in a rhythm, he throws the ball to late to a wide open tight end, and a Bammer manages to run into the line of fire and get the pick.

7:21 pm: John Parker-Wilson runs a draw on 3rd and short. It looks like he got the first down, but Bowden is challenging the ruling. The call stands, and it costs Bobby a timeout.

7:25 pm: Wilson fires the pass, DJ Hall with the catch and spin move, and he gets big yardage after the catch. Finally, Alabama seems to be clicking on offense.

7:28 pm: Ouch. Just when it looked like Bama was in field goal range, Preston Dial moves before the snap and takes his team outside the 30 on 3rd down, and then Wilson gets sacked at the 39. Now the Tide will have to punt. I would hate to be Dial on the sidelines right now.

7:32 pm: Xavier Lee trips and falls during a run that would have surely been a first down. But Lee fires a nice pass on third down up the middle of the field to continue the drive.

7:34 pm: That was fast. The third quarter is already over, and Florida State has a 7-0 lead. The Seminoles certainly have the momentum right now, but Bama is one big play away from tying this game.

7:37 pm: Great. More power towel.

7:39 pm: FSU can;t do anything with the ball, and they punt to start the fourth quarter.

7:42 pm: John Parker-Wilson and DJ Hall are very lucky that the Noles didn’t pick that off.

7:43 pm: Keith Brown drops the pass to bring up fourth down, but D. J. Hall didn’t even try to run a route on that play. Alabama will punt yet again, and Tide fans cannot be happy with what they’ve seen tonight.

7:48 pm: Lee takes another QB draw, and this time he fights his way to a big gain and a first down.

7:49 pm: Lee runs out of the pocket and gives FSU another first down. the Seminoles have gotten over 200 yards of offense since Lee entered the game.

7:52 pm: The Crimson Tide brings the blitz right up the middle on 3rd down, sending Lee backpedaling before tossing a float pass up for grabs. Fagg catches it, but it;s short of the first down and Florida State has to punt.

7:57 pm: FUMBLE! John Parker Wilson tries to find someone on the left side, but Florida State sacks him, strips the ball, the the Seminoles have the ball at the Alabama 4.

7:58 pm: TOUCHDOWN! On the very next play, Antoine Smith runs to the right side, and he easily gets into the endzone. Florida State leads 14-0, and they’ve all but sealed up this game.

8:05 pm: Alabama is actually driving the ball right now. Four consecutive first downs for the Tide.

8:06 pm: Make that five! D. J. Hall makes a great catch, and suddenly Alabama is inside the FSU 25.

8:08 pm: Alabama is now down to the 15 yard line. 6:45 left in the fourth quarter.

8:10 pm: Wow…Alabama had 1st a goal, and suddenly the offense was unable to do anything. They face fourth down, and they have to score to stay in this game.

8:11 pm: TOUCHDOWN! What a play by D. J. Hall! Parker seem to overthrow, but Hall makes a huge leap to get the ball, and he manages to get both of his feet in bounds. Alabama now only trails 14-7 with 5 minutes left and all of their timeouts.

8:16 pm: TOUCHDOWN! A huge play for Florida State. Lee throws to De’Cody Fagg in single coverage, but them the ‘Bama cornerback misses the tackle, and Fagg outruns the entire defense 70 yards for the score. Florida State leads 21-7, and now they’ve officially put this game away.

8:24 pm: How does Tony Carter not catch that interception? It’s now fourth down, and Bama is down to their last chance.

8:25 pm: Wow…Brown nearly catches that ball for a touchdown, but Wilson throws it too high, the play is broken up by the FSU secondary, and the Seminoles take over on downs.

8:37 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Alabama drive down the field, and they cap it off with a pass down the middle to Keith Brown for the touchdown. But he gets lit up at the goalline, and he was out cold for about 10-20 seconds before finally coming to. He manages to walk to the sidelines, and Alabama trails 21-14 with 1:06 left. They have to go for the onside kick.

8:39 pm: ALABAMA RECOVERS THE ONSIDE KICK! …oR at least they appear to. But the referees say it was touched before the 10-yard mark. Looking at the replay, it hit a Bammer…on the helmet. A bad strike of luck for the Tide, but Florida State will win it.

8:43 pm: That’s your ballgame. Florida State wins, 21-14. Xavier Lee has earned the starting QB spot, and Nick Saban may suddenly be in hot water after this game.


Posted in ACC, AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Football, Florida State, Live Blog, Nick Saban, SEC | 1 Comment »

Vote For Digital Headbutt Or We Shoot The Saban

Posted by Mike on June 16, 2007

Round 3 of the Ladies…Hot Blogger Bracket is well underway, and right now I’m in a really close matchup with Sammy’s Sports Sermons. So desperate times call for desperate measures.


That’s right, I have captured the one that you seek. Vote for me, Digital Headbutt, or I will shoot the Saban, and he will never be heard from again.

Wait a minute…Who wrote this? Saban, did you write this behind my back?

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

GODDAMMIT! Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of the whole world! You think I’m a fool, Saban?!? DO YA?!? HUH?!? HUH?!?

(Saban nods ‘no’)

That’s what I thought. Now just sit there, and stop trying to screw this up!

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

Okay, where were we? Oh yes. What I meant to say was “If you vote for Digital Headbutt, we will reward you, the voters, by shooting the Saban, so he will never be heard from again.” He’s been a nuisance to all of us, and in doing this we won’t have to put up with his antics for the next 10-20 years. Even the Bammers don’t want that; they just don’t know it yet.

And to my Tar Heel faithful: thank you for voting. You’ve gotten me this far, now let’s kick it up a notch!

(Director) Aaaaaannnd Cut!

Good work people! Now that’s what I call a ransom video.

(Saban) Can I go home now?

Not yet. We need to make another tape addressing your followers. But first, some barbecue.

(Saban) With a side of lies?

We wouldn’t serve it to you any other way, Mr. Saban.

(Saban) Hooray!


Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Bracket, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, Great Moments in Stupidity, Hot Blogger Bracket, Mud Butt, Nick Saban, Patriotism at its finest, Sabanism, Shameless Self Promotion, This is why the Internet was invented, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | 4 Comments »

The Ten Commandments of Sabanism

Posted by Mike on April 26, 2007

(Author’s Note: I have uncovered this article, one that Mr. Saban will release to the public in the near future. I have been accidentally been trusted with this information for two reasons: one, he has no idea who I am, and two, I am an alum of the University of North Carolina, and thus have almost no affiliation with Alabama or the SEC. Or, for that matter, major college football. I guess that makes me an impartial observer of sorts.)

Hello, I’m Nick Saban. If you’re reading this, then let Me be the first to say, congratulations and welcome to Sabanism, a new way of living. Pretty much the entire state of Alabama has converted (save for a small enclave which I will surely smite on November 24th), and My religion continues to spread like cholesterol at a tailgate. I know how exciting my religion can be, but before you accept Sabanism, I want to set you a few ground rules that you must absolutely follow if you intend to be My subjects. These are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism:


1. I am Your Lord and God. If the Spring Game was an indication, you’ve already got this down cold. You’ve even used my wisdom to distract my detractors away from Tuscaloosa and towards Fayetteville, Arkansas. That was a piece of genius on our part.

2. Thou Shalt Not Make a False Idol. I come here expecting to be the one an only God, and you Pagans keep showing me this “Bear Bryant” crap. Why? What made that guy so special? You should know better than to worship him. If he’s so godly, then why did he die? FOR I AM IMMORTAL! Worship Me, dammit!

3. Thou Shalt not Swear His Holy Name in Vain. Or more specifically, use FOIA rights to look at His text messaging habits.

4. Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy. I think you’ve already got this one down. Thank Me that I didn’t make the Sabbath a Tuesday.

5. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. Which is Me in this case. In My religion, I am the provider, I am the birthgiver, I am the warrior, I am the dictator, I am the medicine man, I am the milk man, I am the mailman, I am the Wu-Tang Clan. Konichi-wa, bitches!


6. Thou Shalt Not Kill. Unless it’s Tommy Tuberville. Or Les Miles. Yeah, killing those guys would actually help Me out a lot. Could you do that for Me? If I do it, people could get suspicious. I’m the only person on Earth who kills with shurikens I set on fire. Sorry, that’s how I roll. Those things slice like nobody’s business when they’re on fire.

7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. I will NOT go 9-3, lose to Auburn, and have you start talking about Steve Mariucci, Dammit!

8. Thou Shalt Not Steal. That’s why I close practices to the public, stupid. Besides, you mortals would not be able to handle what I’ve been conjuring up in My playbook. Formations the likes of which have never been seen before. Let’s see how Phil Fulmer responds to the “shurikens on fire” formation! That’ll blow his brain all the way to the Flea Market…Montgomery…It’s just like…It’s just like…a Mini Mall!

9. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness. Wait. You know what? Scratch that one. It makes Me uncomfortable. New Commandment:

9. Thou Shalt Emulate My Hairstyle. There, that’s better.



10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Worldly Possessions. Especially When I leave to coach the San Diego Chargers in 2009. For Saban’s sake, can anyone, ANYONE count their money on the golf course in peace these days?

So those are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism. They will be etched in stone at the entrance to Bryant-Denny Stadium. Read it. Live it. Break any of them and I will personally come to your house and kick your balls to a pulp. So sayeth Nick Saban.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, NCAA, Nick Saban, Sabanism, SEC, Tar Heel posts | 15 Comments »