The Legend of Willie Wildcat: Part One
Posted by Mike on September 12, 2007
By now, you have probably seen the infamous Kansas State pregame video. (In case you haven’t, take a gander below).
But do you know the story behind it? The background of this video, as well as its star, Willie Wildcat, is far more diabolical than you can possibly imagine.
Once upon a time in Manhattan, Kansas, a Kansas State Delta Kappa Epsilon member and chemistry major named William got a little too buzzed at a party one night. He had spent all night trying to seduce some Chi Omega girls, but with absolutely no success. He had no clue what he was doing wrong. “I’m a smart guy, I’m pretty handsome, and I’ve managed a decent social life,” William thought to himself and his growing frustration. “What’s my problem?” In reality, he had anxiety towards women. His mother did not always treat him the best, and his sisters teased him mrecilessly, without remorse. Those chilhood memories re-entered the young man’s mind whenever a girl so much as spoke in his direction. William knew exactly what was wrong. He was simply powerless to stop it.
William then stumbled upon his solution in the form of a feline. One of the brothers kept his mother’s cat in the house on occasion, and that night he escaped into the party in the living room. No sooner sooner did he put a paw on the giant couch than every girl at the party flocked to his side. It didn;t take long for even a very sloshed William to notice what was going on. As his drunken stupor began to open the floodgates of his mind, he had his epiphany. “Wait a minute…cats are the coolest animals on earth. They don’t give a crap about what you think, and the ladies can’t get enough of them for that. So how do I truly think like a cat?” he though to himself. “Of course! I need the mind of a cat!”
And so his mission was clear: delve into the higher elevations of western Kansas, catch a wild cougar, head back to his research laboratory in Manhattan, obtain genetic code from the cougar, think like a cat, and score until the end of time. The theory itself was simple enough. Now he needed to act.
In his inebriated state William managed to drive in his truck for 100 miles out of the little college town. How he managed not to crash is a miracle; fortunately for him, almost no one is on the road at 3 am in Kansas backcountry. He found a perfect place to stop, 30 miles east of the Colorado border, where there had been reported many a cougar sighting. His chemistry knowledge at hand, he had created a tranquilizer potent enough to sedate an entire state’s worth of house pets. One cougar would be almost too easy. After 90 minutes William spotted two mountain lions on the prowl. He only needed one shot.
The cougar sedated, he dragged the huge cat into the back of his truck and began driving back to Manhattan. He arrived to his campus laboratory at the crack of dawn, before anyone was around to ask him what he was doing. And then the real work began. The extraction, the separation, and the splicing tested his alcohol-deprived patience, but after 12 hours the got what he needed. William brought the big cat back into his truck, still sedated and once again in the guise of night, and drove off to bring him back to his natural habitat. However, he had one more trick up his sleeve. He decided to drive into Lawrence, and allow the cougar to wake up and wreak havoc on his rival school. It would prove to be his last act as the William we once knew.
Upon returning to his lab his DNA sample was ready. He then proceeded to inject the genetic code into his encephalic membrane, the process of which is so dangerous and complex that I am not allowed to repeat it. Al that William could do now was wait, so he headed to his fraternity house for the night. It would be the worst night of his life.
The transformation began in his room, at about 1:30 am. His head was throbbing. All blood was rushing away from his limbs. his eyes felt like they were about to pop out of their sockets. The indescribable pain drove him to run into walls, hump treadmills, and turn the upstairs TV into his right shoe. It eventually became too much to bear, his body began to shut down, and he passed out on his bedroom floor.
No one knows what happened to him in the following 72 hours. Willie’s new form, however, would be one for all to fear.
Stay tuned for the Legend of Willie Wildcat: Part Two.