Curt Schilling Admits to Fake Moon Landing, WMDs
Posted by Mike on May 8, 2007
Recent comments by Gary Thorne have reignited the controversy over the sock that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling wore at Game 6 of the 2004 AL Championship Series. The public still does not know for sure if the blood on the sock was real or fake. To quell the rumors once and for all, a government backed private investigation firm put Schilling to a polygraph test and asked him a series of questions to determine whether the blood on the sock was real.
The answers they got were far more shocking than they could have ever expected.
“About midway through the polygraph, the truth syrum started kicking in and Curt admitted to all kinds of things”, said the lead investigator, who wished to remain anonymous after the session’s revelations.
“We were beginning to go into details about the sock, and then he started yelling, ‘THE MOON LANDING! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE MOON LANDING! It was staged! It was staged! My dad filmed the whole thing in Morocco!’ We asked him a few probing questions about that statement, including if there were any indications to tell the landing was fake. his response: ‘Well, for one, we didn’t have the rocket technology to get to the moon yet. Russians and Americans were neck and neck in technology throughout the Cold War, and Russia wasn’t even close.” He was quickly asked why the Russians didn’t call America’s bluff, that if the moon landing was fake, surely the U.S.S.R would have noticed and proved it to the world, if for no other reason than to embarrass the enemy. Schilling responded, “because to this very day and for as long as the United States are in power, if the Russians say one word questioning the moon landing, Moscow will be wiped off the f—— map!”
It’s worth noting that we were told by the investigators what Schilling thought he was being given truth syrum, but actually ingested a concentrated version of Red Bull energy drink. This explains both the yelling and the fact that he was asleep for a day and a half afterwards. But the moon landing was only the beginning.
“Many people don’t know this,” said Schilling, “but do you know why the guy who leaked the Watergate scandal was called Deep Throat? BECAUSE IT WAS THE ACTUAL CAST OF THE MOVIE ‘DEEP THROAT’! DIDN’T YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!?”
“To be quite honest,” said the investigator, “we’re not quite sure of the so-called truth syrum was doing anything or if Curt was just drunk. I think we were just lucky that the alcohol and Red Bull created this highly altered state he was in that night.”
The revelations continued with a much more recent bombshell, in more ways than one. “I know for a fact that Sadaam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. How do I know? I actually went and purchased one from him! At the time he went under the eBay pseudonym “DeathToKurdistan3245″ and I thought the warhead would make an excellent accent piece for my living room. It just screamed ‘I’m gonna kick your ass if you mess with me’, don’t you think? I still have it. It makes a great centerpiece. The kids just have to be careful when they’re playing downstairs.”
All of this comes as a shock to everyone in the Red Sox organization. Everyone, that is, except Theo Epstein. “Yeah, I’ve heard this before. I was at Curt’s house for Thanksgiving dinner in 2003, and he told me that exact same thing. Schilling even showed me the WMD he kept in the living room. At that point I began to think of potential consequences if I didn’t sign him.”
Schilling could not be reached for comment. However, when asked about whether the blood on the sock was real, the investigator said, “now that…is an answer you will never, ever, ever pry out of that guy. Until we find a knew way to extract information out of minds, we are never going to know. What you should really be mad about is that we spent millions of tax dollars on this project.” He added “Uh, I’ve said too much” and ran off.