The Ten Commandments of Sabanism
Posted by Mike on April 26, 2007
(Author’s Note: I have uncovered this article, one that Mr. Saban will release to the public in the near future. I have been accidentally been trusted with this information for two reasons: one, he has no idea who I am, and two, I am an alum of the University of North Carolina, and thus have almost no affiliation with Alabama or the SEC. Or, for that matter, major college football. I guess that makes me an impartial observer of sorts.)
Hello, I’m Nick Saban. If you’re reading this, then let Me be the first to say, congratulations and welcome to Sabanism, a new way of living. Pretty much the entire state of Alabama has converted (save for a small enclave which I will surely smite on November 24th), and My religion continues to spread like cholesterol at a tailgate. I know how exciting my religion can be, but before you accept Sabanism, I want to set you a few ground rules that you must absolutely follow if you intend to be My subjects. These are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism:
1. I am Your Lord and God. If the Spring Game was an indication, you’ve already got this down cold. You’ve even used my wisdom to distract my detractors away from Tuscaloosa and towards Fayetteville, Arkansas. That was a piece of genius on our part.
2. Thou Shalt Not Make a False Idol. I come here expecting to be the one an only God, and you Pagans keep showing me this “Bear Bryant” crap. Why? What made that guy so special? You should know better than to worship him. If he’s so godly, then why did he die? FOR I AM IMMORTAL! Worship Me, dammit!
3. Thou Shalt not Swear His Holy Name in Vain. Or more specifically, use FOIA rights to look at His text messaging habits.
4. Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy. I think you’ve already got this one down. Thank Me that I didn’t make the Sabbath a Tuesday.
5. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. Which is Me in this case. In My religion, I am the provider, I am the birthgiver, I am the warrior, I am the dictator, I am the medicine man, I am the milk man, I am the mailman, I am the Wu-Tang Clan. Konichi-wa, bitches!
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill. Unless it’s Tommy Tuberville. Or Les Miles. Yeah, killing those guys would actually help Me out a lot. Could you do that for Me? If I do it, people could get suspicious. I’m the only person on Earth who kills with shurikens I set on fire. Sorry, that’s how I roll. Those things slice like nobody’s business when they’re on fire.
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. I will NOT go 9-3, lose to Auburn, and have you start talking about Steve Mariucci, Dammit!
8. Thou Shalt Not Steal. That’s why I close practices to the public, stupid. Besides, you mortals would not be able to handle what I’ve been conjuring up in My playbook. Formations the likes of which have never been seen before. Let’s see how Phil Fulmer responds to the “shurikens on fire” formation! That’ll blow his brain all the way to the Flea Market…Montgomery…It’s just like…It’s just like…a Mini Mall!
Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness. Wait. You know what? Scratch that one. It makes Me uncomfortable. New Commandment:
9. Thou Shalt Emulate My Hairstyle. There, that’s better.
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Worldly Possessions. Especially When I leave to coach the San Diego Chargers in 2009. For Saban’s sake, can anyone, ANYONE count their money on the golf course in peace these days?
So those are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism. They will be etched in stone at the entrance to Bryant-Denny Stadium. Read it. Live it. Break any of them and I will personally come to your house and kick your balls to a pulp. So sayeth Nick Saban.