Cristiano Ronaldo Has Been Hanging With the Wrong Crowd

Sir Alex Ferguson is slightly concerned about his star striker’s recent off-field activities ahead of the Champions League Final.

“Wot is yurr prahblimm, man?”

Mom, You Can Call Off The Bots Now

Digital Headbutt began to delve into the sports blog universe one year ago this week. Its beginnings were humble, and I was not even fully aware of the vast sports blogosphere around me until this space had been around for three months. 207 posts and 110,000+ hits later, I may very well have created a monster. The kind of monster who ventures into the realm of the unknown, for varying lengths of time, and brings back stuff like this.

Of all the posts on Digital Headbutt, these three were statistically your favorites:

Benny Feilhaber’s Gold Cup Winning Goal

The Survive-Off

(Which reminds me: Day 3 of the Survive-Off is coming…)

The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

I would like to thank all of the sports blogosphere, and all of the great people, too many to mention in this space, whom I would not have collaborated with, spoken to, or met without Digital Headbutt and Tar Heel Mania. You have made this worthwhile. Because dammit, they won’t let me put AdSense on this thing!

Games To Watch: College Football Week 6

#5 Wisconsin at Illinois (12:00 ET, ESPN): Despite being the #5 team in the land, the Badgers haven’t looked very impressive this year, and they’re the Vegas underdogs against Zook and the Illini. Can Wisconsin prove their skeptics wrong?

Kansas at #24 Kansas State (12:00 ET, FSN): It’s the Battle for the Governor’s Cup (aka the Sunflower Showdown), and for the first time in recent memory, both teams are good heading into this matchup. It’s “GET IN MY BELLY!”…

…versus the Power Towels. Who ya got?

Miami at North Carolina (12:00 ET, ESPN2): UNC comes home after a road trip against two ranked opponents, and the next two home game’s aren’t any easier. But the Hurricanes didn’t look too impressive against Duke, and UNC pulled the miracle upset against a top 5 Miami team the last time they came to Chapel Hill. A  s always, the live blog is at Tar Heel Mania.

#10 Oklahoma vs. #19 Texas (3:30 ET, ABC): One week ago this might have been the week’s premier game, between two top 10, undefeated conference opponents in one of the nation’s biggest rivalry. Unfortunately for them, Kansas State and Colorado spoiled that party. Well, at least there’s always the artery-clogging experience that is the Texas State Fair. Seriously, they found a way to fry soft drinks!

#12 Georgia at Tennessee (3:30 ET, CBS): Without a successful season, Phil Fulmer could be in serious trouble in Knoxville. In the way of a win today is the Bulldogs, who are a staggering 23-3 on the road in SEC play under Mark Richt.

#15 Virginia Tech at #22 Clemson (6:00 ET, ESPN): Past history says that this is the kind of game that Clemson will lose. Can Tommy Bowden’s team change the status quo against the Hokies’ tough defense?

#4 Ohio State at #23 Purdue (8:00 ET, ABC): Both teams are undefeated, but neither have really been challenged this season. Now is the time for them to prove whether or not they are true contender.

#20 Cincinatti at #21 Rutgers (8:00 ET, ESPN2): Of all the BCS teams in the top 25, the Bearcats probably have to be the biggest surprise. At 5-0, they face a Rutgers team reeling from a loss to Maryland last week, and looking for revenge after Cincy dashed their conference title hopes last year.

#8 Florida at #1 LSU (8:00 ET, CBS): The big matchup of the week, possibly the entire year. Even though Florida lost to Auburn last week, they’re right back in the title hunt with a win in Death Valley. But can anyone beat the Tigers right now?

Needless to say, today will be a great day in college football.

Get Ready For Football, With The Decleater!

The college football season is finally upon us. The long sports winter has finally come to an end! The mere prospect of real, meaningful football has gotten me excited for the past week. This past Tuesday, the first day of school at UNC, I had not taken twenty steps onto campus before saying “hey” to Joe Dailey (what I should have said was “interception!”). I then headed straight for Kenan Stadium, one of the best college stadiums in America (to watch a football game? not so much lately…but that will change soon enough).

Looking onto the field began the synapses in my head, and my mind began racing with anticipation of this Saturday. Still, I think we all need a real adrenaline rush to get us pumped up before the college football season. So this post is dedicated to the single greatest play in all of football: the decleater. A hit so hard that it knocks your opponent clean off his feet.

YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Why is it this game’s greatest play? Because it works on so many levels. The mere hit acts as a simple but effective means of physical intimidation on your opponent for the rest of the game. When a receiver gets knocked to the turf by a safety, he’s going to think twice about running a route in the middle of the field. When a defender is decleated on a huge block, he knows to keep his head on a swivel for the rest of the game. When a running back runs you over, it could ruin you psychologically for an entire season. And when the home team delivers a big decleater, everyone watching the game notices, jumps out of their seats, and cheers their lungs out. It can be the ultimate home field advantage.

Not a single play in football, not even a touchdown, is more motivating than a bone-crushing hit. Before we begin the season anew, we must pay homage. And what better way to do that than a huge supply of YouTube decleaters?

We’ll start with some big defensive hits:

What’s better that a decleating hit on defense? A bone-crushing block on offense!

This one is special because it’s a quarterback who make the huge block, and he drills two guys:

The best decleaters, however, have to be the ones delivered by running backs on unsuspecting defensive backs. And in college, few were better at it than Florida State’s Greg Jones.

This final hit I was (un?)fortunate enough to see live, in Kenan Stadium. It was the first game of the 2003 season, August 30th. The last time my Tar Heels met the Seminoles in Chapel Hill, we destroyed them 41-9 for Bunting’s first career win en route to a six-game winning streak and an 8-5 record in 2001, including a Peach Bowl victory over Auburn. After that the last of Mack’s recruits left, and the bottom fell out in 2002. Still, we had UNC’s best-ever QB in Darian Durant, who had been hurt for most of the previous year. So I was somewhat optimistic that Coach Bunting could turn things around in 2003. (By the way: to those of you cursing out UNC’s QB situation from last year, I have one name for you: C.J. Stephens. Just the thought of him under center will keep me awake tonight.)

Any hope I had for that season was destroyed on this play.

Ugh. Not very good memories. I need to cleanse my palate a bit:

That’s better. Okay, NOW I’m ready to greet this season the right way, and I hope that this helpd you to get ready as well.

Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day Two

Bear Grylls and Les Stroud have been given a challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate Survivor?

Day One is in the books, and Bear had a rough night. As dawn breaks on Day Two, Bear Returns to main camp, and finds a surprise. After an already rough 24 hours, this sends him over the edge.

———————————————

Bear: Ughhhhhhhh. That was not ideal. It was the roughest night, that I, have ever had to endure. At least I had a lot of company on Everest. I’m just glad I’m back to–…

(Hears a distinct crunch, looks at cameraman)

What the hell was that?

Cameraman #1: (mouth full) Ummmngnngg… Idonnonnn.

Bear: Is that…DORITOS?!? What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Cameraman #1: Uhhmm…Surviving?

Since when does corn grow in this God-forsaken place? I’m here surviving in the f—ing wilderness, taking whatever God has thrown at me, and here you are in some sort of…orange-powdered orgy with your potato chips!

Cameraman #2: They’re actually torti–

They’re a disgrace, that’s what they are! A f—ing disgrace! How is anyone supposed to take this survival show seriously! Here I am getting scrotal frostbite in an ice cave, and my crew is carrying tents and the vending machine from hell every step of the way! Dammit, show some balls, man! The only thing that would make you wussier is a harmonica.

Les: I heard that.

Bear: Shut up, old man! You and your musical dildo still have to answer to the Queen!

You know, there was actually this story about a man, a cameraman, who came into the Hokkaido winter on a mountain just like this. He opened a bag of Doritos, and it eventually attracted an angry bear. That bear was starving, and he smelled the food from about a mile away. When the bear saw the bag in the human’s hands, he began to charge. The man tried t run, but he stood no chance. He bit off the man’s nether region, before mauling, and trampling, and clawing him to death, and all for that little bit of food, and that just shows why you’ve got be careful, and NOT BLOODY EAT SNACK FOOD IN THE BLOODY WILD!!!

Cameraman #1: Ahhh, okay, I get it! (cowers away in fear)

Bear: Give me that bag. You don’t deserve to have this. (stuffs face with Doritos) You gooaaaeees ogga be (more Doritos) affamed of youfelffs…

———————————————

For Les and Bear, the Doritos are the only food they’ve had since leaving Sapporo 36 hours before. They must now search for food, and they have spotted some animals in a ravine. The must now descend a sheer rock face.

Les: I’m gonna get my ride for this one. (walks up to pimped-out ride he made the day before)

Oh, crap.

Bear: What now?

Les: Well, I was going to use this vehicle to traverse the cliffs, but the door is locked.

Bear: Wait a minute…this is a survival vehicle…of your design?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And you needed access to this vehicle at all times?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And yet you put a lock on it and used it?

Les: Yes…

Bear: Well, that was a fresh cup o’ stupid, now wasn’t it? Well, I suppose it’s not that bad. So…Where are the keys?

Les: (slouches) right there, on the dashboard.

Bear: (snickers turn into uncontrollable laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Hahahahahah, haha, hahah, haaaaaaa… sorry. It’s just… what in God’s name were you thinking man?

Les: Don’t laugh too hard, or I’ll be forced to use this.

Bear: Use what, a water purifier that you crapped on?

Les:

——————–

After Les wakes up a few hours later, our heroes finally attempt to descend the cliff.

——————–

Les: Man, this is a tough place to climb. I am really not comfortable with his. The drop is about 150 feet, and the angle is about 60, 70-

(slips off rock)

Whoooooooaaaaaaa!

——————–

Les has taken a very, very hard fall. He has a lot of bad bruises and some scrapes, but, amazingly, he has no major fractures, open wounds, or other injuries. Nevertheless, he lies at the bottom of the cliff, concussed, bewildered, and in pain. Meanwhile, Bear has safely descended to the bottom of the cliff in only a little over the time it took for Stroud to tumble down.

——————–

Les: Uuuuuuugghhhhhhh… I feel terrible.

Bear: When climbing, use your legs, three points of contact, no arms over your head, blah, blah blah, and we’re down. Hey Les, looks like you didn’t have much trouble getting down either, “ehhhhh?”

Les: Oh, shut it. I just took the worst fall in my life, I alerted every living, breathing food source of my arrival, and now it will take me that much longer to track them down.

Bear: Cameramen! (clap clap)

Cameramen: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! (scale down cliff with an amount of climbing equipment that even the most paranoid citizens of this planet would consider overkill)

Bear: Release the zebra!

Cameraman #1: (releases Zebra from first cage)

Bear: Wait for it…wait for it…and…release the lions!

Cameraman #2: (releases lions from second cage)

Lions:

Cameramen: (bring lions back into cage)

Bear:

 

Ugh. This tastes like…chicken that been marinated in its own crap, then left in the sun for a few days. But it’s a good source of protein, and just about anything is better than nothing. Would you like to try some, baldy?

Les: Where the f— did you get lions in Japan?

Bear: Where did you get peanut butter and jelly in the Kalahari desert?

Les: Oh now come on, that was different!

Bear: No it wasn’t.

Les: Yes it was.

Bear: (puts on banana costume) It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Les: Stop that.

Bear: Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Now There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go!

Les: Dude, I said cut it out!

Bear: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Les: Well, at least I know why you always bring these cameramen. They’re the only reason you’re alive.

Bear: (whistles) Release the lions!

Lions: (run toward Les at 30 miles per hour)

Les: AHHHHHHH (runs for cover up a tree)

The lions quickly lose interest, but decide to scurry into the Japanese wilderness, possibly putting the entire ecosystem at risk, before they accidentally slip into raging rapids. With night falling, our heroes need to make camp, and there’s no way the Mr. Stroud is going back up that cliff.

Les: I can’t climb back up to our old camp tonight. This looks like a good place to make camp; the cliffs will prevent any animals from sneaking up on us.

Bear: (gnaws on zebra leg) Fair enough. We’ll make separate shelters.

Les: This rock should be a good start.

Mr. Stroud has made a basic A frame with sticks protecting him on one side and a large rock on the other.

Bear: Okay, boys, bring it in!

Crane: BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP

The crane has lifted in a 500 square foot log cabin.

Les: Okay, this is getting out of hand.

Bear: What? I froze my bloody balls off in an ice cave last night. Once is enough, thank you.

——————–

Both men begin to work on making a fire. While Bear gathers wood, Les chops away at the back side of Bear’s cabin for his firewood. He plans to use a gasoline rag, sock lint, his multitool, a sulfurous rock, oil from Japanese birch bark, and the leftover zebra bones, which may or may not have explosive qualities. Bear’s flint works pretty easily. Les’s fire-making technique, needless to say, requires a bit more patience.

——————–

Les: Okay, so I’m going to strike the metal of the multitool, against this sulphur rock, and see if I can create a spark against the gasoline rage and the tinder.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Four Hours Later…

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Bear: How’s the fire going, Les?

Les: Gimme that flint.

(strikes the flint)

Mr. Stroud is now quite charred, but at least he has a warm, raging fire that will last well into the next morning. The explosion having subsided, both of our heroes decide to call it a night. But Bear is still wearing the giant banana suit from Peanut Butter Jelly Time. He has now attracted hundreds of Japanese snow monkeys, who believe that he’s a giant banana. At midnight the monkeys make their move, entering the cabin through the hole that, ironically, Les opened taking wood for his fire.

Monkeys: Whatever the hell is monkey speak for “attack”. “Hu-Hu-HAAAAA!”, maybe?

Bear: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

As Les licks his wounds and Bear fends off simians, it looks to be another cold, hard night for our heroes…on the second night of the Survive-Off.

Worse Than Steinbrenner? “Hell Yes”

In Red Sox nation, hatred for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is almost unanimous. While we have very good reason to show our disdain for him, we need to face an important fact: one day he will either leave the post or die, and then a different person will take ownership of the Yankees. We must also consider the possibility that said person could be worse than the 77 year-old Steinbrenner. A lot worse.

Don’t think so? Let’s explore who Red Sox Nation could hate even more than the ancient shipbuilder.

——————–

Roman Abramovich. Seen here telling the citizens of Chukotka to shove it, Abramovich one of the most notorious club owners in the world. Since Buying England’s Chelsea FC in 2003, he’s made Steinbrenner look like a cheapskate, sparing no expense to bring all of the world’s top players to his team. (In fact, pretty much the only major player left from the pre-Abramovich era is midfielder Frank Lampard). Roman’s very own dream team was untouchable in 2004 and 2005, drawing the ire of opposing fans everywhere. But “Chel$ki” isn’t the only reason to hate him. He made his millions pillaging natural resources in Russia after the old Soviet Union dissolved. (Hey, blame Yeltsin.) In 2000 Abramovich was elected governor of Chukotka, an oil-rich, semi-autonomous region on the easternmost tip of Russia.

Well, don’t you see what he’s doing?!? Abramovich is planning world domination! He’s already dominant over the Russian oil market, he’s about to take over London with his Chelsea team, and he’s in perfect position to attack the west coast of North America with his army of yachts. All he needs to do is sign Chinese soccer player Wang Dong, and he can make hostile advances on China and all countries whose GDP depend on toilet humor, most notably Australia, the Netherlands, most of Scandinavia, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. They sure do love their phallic jokes in the African jungle.

My point is this: if Roman buys the Yankees, run. Run like you’ve never run before.

——————–

The City Of Green Bay, Wisconsin. At first, you may not think of Green Bay as a bad owner. In fact, they’ve managed to run one of the NFL’s most storied franchises in by far the smallest market in major American sports. The problem is that the Packers franchise is essentially run like a stock, and every season ticket holder has a share in team (though a share in the team does not guarantee tickets). The citizens of Green Bay prize prize the season ticket so much that there’s a 40 year waiting list to join the club. Hell, you’re better off making billions of dollars and buying your own team. Cheeseheads will go to almost any length to get their 0.0000016% stake in the Packers. Can you even begin to fathom what would happen if the Yankees were to apply that concept to their fans in the Bronx?

Exactly.

——————–

Silvio Berlusconi. Imagine that George W. Bush had more power. Imagine if Dubya, in addition to being president of the United States, was one of the richest men in the world as CEO of Microsoft, and owned all media assets of NewsCorp and AOL Time Warner combined. To top it all of, he owns the New York Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys, two of the most storied franchises in America.

If you manage to combine all of that into one person, you have someone with the power of Silvio Berlusconi in Italy.His exploits make Abramovich seem unambitious. Silvio has served as Prime Minister twice, is the richest man in the country, is a freemason, and controls most major media outlets. He has quite the Napoleonic complex, in part because he is a complete psycho and in part because he needs to wear these shoes just to be at eye level with cabinet members.

Berlusconi is one of the most notorious men an all of Europe. He just happens to own AC Milan, Italy’s most important franchise. Silvio has won seven Italian League and two UEFA Champions League titles in 21 years, all while grooming Paolo Maldini to become Europe’s next great dictator. What other explanation could possibly exist for Maldini to have been on AC Milan’s roster for Berlusconi’s entire tenure? That he’s one of the best defenders in the world? Yeah, right.

——————–

Shabtai von Kalmanovic. Shabtai, the tall young lad in the back left of this picture, is the owner of the Spartak Moscow Women’s Basketball team. While you may not think that’s a big deal, he pays top players more than four times the salary of the the maximum that the WNBA will pay. He reportedly loses $5-$6 million per year in doing so, so he just wants a winner. He’s okay as the owner of Spartak, but imagine how dangerous he could become if he was put behind the wheel of the Yankees. He might win the next 12 World Series with MLB’s first $1 billion payroll.

He’s also a bit of a shady character…to say the least.

“Begin with von Kalmanovic, the Spartak owner who is sort of the Mark Cuban of Russian basketball. Or he would be if Cuban dressed much, much better … and if he once owned a European championship team with Arvydas Sabonis … and once dated Liza Minnelli … and if he married one of his players (on his women’s team that is) … and once spied for the Soviet Union … and if a Google search linked his name with some shady innuendo. Among the tales alleged on the Web — that von Kalmanovic might have been involved in Africa diamond trafficking and that he was arrested for spying in Israel. von Kalmanovic says he made his first fortune in construction in Africa, though he does admit to being arrested as a spy in Israel.

He insists, however, that contrary to rumors he was not with the KGB: ‘I was in the military intelligence service. I was in the army of the Soviet Union. Later this year will be 20 years from the day I was arrested [for spying in Israel], and then it will become no more secret. I cannot tell you the truth now, and I don’t want to lie. So leave it. We’ll meet one year from now and I will tell you, if you are still interested.’ “

The national media would have a field day with this guy if he ran a Division II lacrosse team, let alone the Yankees.

——————–

Tsuneo Watanabe. He is the man behind one of Japan’s two largest newspapers, Yomiuri Shinbun. In turn, Watanabe had been owner of the Yomiuri Giants, by far the country’s most successful sports franchise for decades. Yet I had not known about him until very recently.

I asked Don, the man behind the Japan-based sports blog With Malice… if there were any nutjob owners of successful teams in Japan. I’m providing his full response because there is no way that I could have put it any better.

Within Japan, one of the most megalomaniac of all sports-owners was Tsuneo Watanabe. His Yomiuri Giants, or ‘Kyogen’ (‘Giants’ in Japanese) have dominated the landscape of Japanese baseball for years, and Watanabe has been behind the systematic retardation of Nippon Pro Baseball merely to benefit his team. Examples such as pushing NPB to adopt free agency merely to bolster his own fading team, as Kyogen are the richest team in the NPB… or the creation of a rule within the drafting process that states if a player drafted out of high school doesn’t want to play for a particular team, he may opt to play either college or ‘corporate’ league (a league for company teams) for 2 years, then play for the team of their choosing. More often than not, it’s the Giants, as being the pre-eminent team in Tokyo, they have a disproportionate share of the fan-base. Watanabe has been a direct influence working against the evolution of baseball within Japan, preferring to keep status quo within the league. Due to the popularity and monetary influence of the Giants, Watanabe has been able to hold court in the Central League, and bend all to his control.

In 2004, Watanabe was forced to resign because of ethical violations after bribes to college players (most notably 2 million yen to Meiji University pitcher Yasuhiro Ichiba). However, a year later, he was instituted as Chairman of the Giants, and pretty much resumed control of the Tokyo team.

A quote from baseball writer Robert Whiting: Watanabe is a “…blustering alpha male who did everything but urinate on the floor to make his mark.” (in his book The Meaning of Ichiro)

Tsuneo Watanabe could be described quite literally as George Steinbrenner’s “brother from another mother”, as the Giants have been styled as “Japan’s Yankees”. Verily, when it comes to impact on the Nippon Pro Baseball league, Watanabe’s worse – Steinbrenner-on-steroids.

 

Watanabe doesn’t have an entry in Wikipedia, so it’s still possible that it’s all a bad dream and he’s just a figment of Japan’s collective imagination. Like Samurai.

——————–

So the next time you lament the presence of George Steinbrenner looking down from atop Yankee Stadium and giving Brian Cashman ulcers with a single stare, count your lucky stars that it’s him sitting there in the booth and not one of these guys.

Dishonorable mention: Rick Hendrick

(Thanks once again to With Malice… for the scoop on Watanabe and the quote in the title.)