Digital Headbutt

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Archive for the ‘Sabanism’ Category

Double Live Blog: LSU vs. Alabama, 1st Half

Posted by Mike on November 3, 2007

Note: If you’re looking for Oregon vs. ASU, click here.

Tonight, Digital Headbutt is going to live-blog two overlapping, huge college football games. The first one is LSU vs. Alabama. It’s Les Miles’ gigantic jewels versus Nick Saban’s Kool-Aid, for the SEC West.

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I’ll admit that when my team isn’t doing very well (and UNC is 2-6 this year), I root for chaos in the national title picture. I’m even willing to admit that I was rooting for Auburn when LSU last played. However, Nick Saban neutralizes my desire for chaos. Go Tigers.

5:03 pm: Alabama gets the ball to start the game, returning the kickoff to the 38 yard line.

5:04 pm: John Parker-Willson’s first two passes are off the mark, putting Alabama in an early 3rd and long.

5:05 pm: LSU runs the all-out blits, but Parker-Wilson makes them pay with a pass to an open Caddell for a first down…barely.

5:05 pm: Wow. LSU DE Tyson Jackson almost intercepted that screen pass.

5:06 pm: Parker throws a deep floater on 3rd and 10, and Caddell is there to make the catch at the 20 yard line, as LSU overran the underthrown pass. Bama is knocking on the door.

5:08 pm: After a missed shot to the endzone and the Tide’s first rush, Parker-Wilson finally misses on 3rd down. Alabama settles for a field goal to take a 3-0 lead.

5:12 pm: LSU gets the ball, and they start with two runs to Jacob Hester. He gives them a quick first down.

5:14 pm: I know that LSU enjoys playing throwback football, but…a QB sneak on first and 10?

5:15 pm: Flynn rolls out, and he finds a wide open Richard Dickson in the middle of the field. 1st down, and LSU is at the Bama 35.

5:16 pm: the Tide leave the middle open again, and this time Flynn finds Early Doucet. LSU is now in the red zone.

5:18 pm: Alabama is caught offside, but then immediately Herman Johnson give the five yards back.

5:20 pm: Good coverage leads to two big sacks for Alabama. On the second sack, Flynn fumbled, and LSU is very lucky to still have the ball.

5:21 pm: Colt David nails the 44-yard field goal down the middleto tie the game, 3-3.

5:26 pm: Glenn Dorsey goes down, re-aggravating the injury he suffered during the Auburn game. It does not look good for him at all; let’s hope he’s okay.

5:28 pm: Dorsey was able to jog off the field on his own pow-INTERCEPTION! Chavis Jackson jumps on Caddell’s route, and he returns the pick to the Bama 13 yard line. The Tigers are back in business, and the Tide need another stop.

5:30 pm: Bama continues putting the pressure on Flynn, who was forced to throw a bad pass on second down.

5:31 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Flynn throws a quick screen to Doucet, and great downfield blocking allows Doucet to find his way to the middle of the end zone. LSU takes a 10-3 lead.

5:35 pm: Glenn Dorsey is being taken to the locker room.

5:36 pm: LSU has another injury. This time, it’s LB Gary Beckwith, who made a great play to stuff Terry Allen behind the line of scrimmage. That’s two key players in the front seven who are now out of the game.

5:38 pm: SACK! The cornerback blitz was completely unimpded, and Alabama will have to punt. LSU gets the ball at their own 46.

5:39 pm: LSU runs a trick play, a reverse pass, and it works almost to perfection. Doucet finds a wide open Flynn, who catches it and runs it inside the 20. However, Flynn’s knee was banged up on the play, and with Perriloux’s suspension, the Tigers may have to resort to their 3rd string QB, who transferred from Harvard.

5:43 pm: Apparently, Flynn doesn’t care about his knee. On the next play, he runs to the right side and nearly gets a first down before a hard tackle brings him down.

5:46 pm: The Tigers give it to Hester, who busts it to the 5 yard line. First and goal.

5:47 pm: The first quarter ends, with LSU leading 10-3. The second quarter willl start with LSU facing 3rd and goal, inches from the goal line.

5:53 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Jacob Hester was hit behind the line of scrimmage, but he knees driving and leans into the endzone. LSU takes a 17-3 lead to start the second quarter.

5:56 pm: Glenn Dorsey is back in the game, and he stuff the first down run at the line of scrimmage.

5:58 pm: Alabama tries the end-around to D.J. Hall. He runs out of room on the sidelines, and goes out of bounds for a 2 yard loss. Parker-Wilson misfires on the next pass, forcing the Tide to punt again.

6:04 pm: Hester gets some decent yardage on a screen play, but another Tiger is injured. This time it’s Herman Johnson.

6:08 pm: After an incomplete pass, LSU is forced to punt for the first time.

6:10 pm: Running Up The Score Watch: Kansas beats Nebraska, 76-39. I didn’t think I would ever see the day that the Nebraska defense allowed 76 points in a game.

6:12 pm: Interesting fact: John parker-Wilson has not completed any passes since the two third down catches by Caddell.

6:13 pm: Just as I say that: TOUCHDOWN! Parker-Wilson finds a wide open D. J. Hall deep downfield, who jogs into the endzone. LSU’s lead has shrunk to 17-10. The Tyson Jackson roughing the passer penalty really came back to bite the Tigers.

6:14 pm: Sonic is going the way of the Texas State Fair, with fried Macaroni & Cheese.

6:17 pm: Kieland Williams gets his first carry of the game. Shockingly, these two teams have combined for only 32 rushing yards thus far.

6:18 pm: INTERCEPTION! Flynn thinks he has single coverage, but Rashad Johnson swoops in fro the free safety position to get the pick. To make matters worse, LSU is called for a personal foul, and Alabama will start with great field position.

6:21 pm: Another penalty this time a facemask. The Tigers are pretty much shooting themselves in the foot; they had control of this game only six game minutes ago, and LSU has allowed Alabama back into this game.

6:23 pm: Another LSU defensive player is injured, and this time it’s Marlon Favorite.

Verne Lundquist tells us that Favorite’s rap was performing in the nightclub when the LSU players got into a fight. Hey, those guys wouldn’t have been in trouble if not for his satanic* hip-hop; blame him, LSU fans!

*If you just took that seriously, you probably shouldn;t be reading sports blogs.

6:25 pm: Beckwith breaks up the third down pass to the flat, forcing Alabama to punt. The Tide, However, drop the punt inside the LSU 10 yard line.

6:27 pm: INTERCEPTION! After an LSU penalty, Ezekiel Knight makes a great one-handed grab to give Alabama a first and goal at the LSU 10 yard line.

6:29 pm: LSU is called for pass interference, giving the Tide another first down. The Tigers seem to be mentally falling apart in the second quarter.

6:34 pm: Despite having only 5 yards to go, Alabama goes 3-and-out. The Tide trail 17-13 after settling for the field goal.

UPSET WATCH: Michigan State 24, Michigan 14, 4th quarter.

UNC WATCH: North Carolina 16, Maryland 10, 4th quarter.

6:43 pm: LSU is now driving the ball well again, thanks in part to Richard Dckson continuing to find holes in the middle of Alabam’s defense. A flynn run up the middle brings the Tigers into field goal range.

6:45 pm: PROGRAMMING ALERT: ASU-Oregon is about to begin.

6:50 pm: MATT FLYNN IS PICKED OFF AGAIN! This time, only Jacob Hester prevents the interception from being returned for a touchdown. Owever, he’s called for a personal foul after the play, and Alabama has the ball in the red zone with 1:07 left in the first half.

6:53 pm: TOUCHDOWN! John Parker-Wilson throws the ball into coverage, but Keith Brown makes a great play to make the catch and block the defenders from making a play. Alabama takes a 20-17 lead, and LSU’s second quarter nightmare is complete.The crowd in Bryant-Denny Stadium has gone completely insane.

6:59 pm: LSU has managed to drive into field goal range, and with 13 seconds left the Tigers have a chance to tie the game.

7:00 pm: After Flynn nearly throws another interception, Colt David’s field goal attempt is blocked to end the first half. Alabama leads, 20-17 at halftime. After LSU dominated the first quarter and completely botched the second quarter, I honestly have no idea what will happen in the second half.

Join me at the next post for the second half of this game and the first half of Oregon-Arizona State.

 

 

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Cluster---- to the BCS, Live Blog, LSU, NCAA, Sabanism, SEC | 1 Comment »

Vote For Digital Headbutt Or We Shoot The Saban

Posted by Mike on June 16, 2007

Round 3 of the Ladies…Hot Blogger Bracket is well underway, and right now I’m in a really close matchup with Sammy’s Sports Sermons. So desperate times call for desperate measures.

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That’s right, I have captured the one that you seek. Vote for me, Digital Headbutt, or I will shoot the Saban, and he will never be heard from again.

Wait a minute…Who wrote this? Saban, did you write this behind my back?

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

GODDAMMIT! Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of the whole world! You think I’m a fool, Saban?!? DO YA?!? HUH?!? HUH?!?

(Saban nods ‘no’)

That’s what I thought. Now just sit there, and stop trying to screw this up!

(Saban nods ‘yes’)

Okay, where were we? Oh yes. What I meant to say was “If you vote for Digital Headbutt, we will reward you, the voters, by shooting the Saban, so he will never be heard from again.” He’s been a nuisance to all of us, and in doing this we won’t have to put up with his antics for the next 10-20 years. Even the Bammers don’t want that; they just don’t know it yet.

And to my Tar Heel faithful: thank you for voting. You’ve gotten me this far, now let’s kick it up a notch!

(Director) Aaaaaannnd Cut!

Good work people! Now that’s what I call a ransom video.

(Saban) Can I go home now?

Not yet. We need to make another tape addressing your followers. But first, some barbecue.

(Saban) With a side of lies?

We wouldn’t serve it to you any other way, Mr. Saban.

(Saban) Hooray!

 

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, Bracket, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, Great Moments in Stupidity, Hot Blogger Bracket, Mud Butt, Nick Saban, Patriotism at its finest, Sabanism, Shameless Self Promotion, This is why the Internet was invented, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits | 4 Comments »

To Vote Against Digital Headbutt Is To Vote Against America

Posted by Mike on June 11, 2007

I have managed to advance into Round 2 of the Ladies…Hot Blogger Bracket. But this week I am facing a member of the sports blog pantheon, Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday. EDSBS is one of the biggest and best blogs out there, so I understand that you may be tempted to vote for him. But to vote, you must be able to make an informed decision, and to make an informed decision there is something you should know.

To vote against Digital Headbutt is to reject the very principles on which this country was founded.

Allow me to explain.

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution clearly protects all religious speech from any action “respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” What, you ask, does this have anything to do with sports blogging? Because in this space a month and a half ago, I was the person who uncovered a new religion growing in Alabama: Sabanism. You may agree with the principles of Sabanism, or you may disagree with them. But you cannot, under any circumstances, attempt to block the message. Political, Religious and Social Speech gets the highest level of First Amendment protection, according to the established precedents of the U.S. Supreme Court. Tell me, since when does any of that kind of speech protection apply to “Appalachain is HOT HOT HOT“? Never, that’s when.

So don’t let the allure of a Tim Tebow picture fool you. By voting for EDSBS, you are voting to shun religious speech from being heard in the marketplace of ideas, which is essential to the proper function of democracy. By voting for EDSBS, you are telling the U.S. Constitution to go to hell, and by proxy the United States itself. Well, I AM NOT GOING TO SIT HERE QUIETLY AND LET YOU LAY WASTE TO MY BELOVED COUNTRY!!!

So vote for America. Vote for Digital Headbutt. If you don’t, the terrorists win.

BONUS: You also have to consider that this is a Hot Blogger Bracket. Look at this picture and tell me if there’s anything remotely sexy about this “Orson Swindle” fellow:

Didn’t think so.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Bracket, Championship, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, Hot Blogger Bracket, Patriotism at its finest, Sabanism, Shameless Self Promotion, Stuff That Involves Things, This is why the Internet was invented, USA! USA!, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, yes this is a slow news day. how can you tell?, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 3 Comments »

The Ten Commandments of Sabanism

Posted by Mike on April 26, 2007

(Author’s Note: I have uncovered this article, one that Mr. Saban will release to the public in the near future. I have been accidentally been trusted with this information for two reasons: one, he has no idea who I am, and two, I am an alum of the University of North Carolina, and thus have almost no affiliation with Alabama or the SEC. Or, for that matter, major college football. I guess that makes me an impartial observer of sorts.)

Hello, I’m Nick Saban. If you’re reading this, then let Me be the first to say, congratulations and welcome to Sabanism, a new way of living. Pretty much the entire state of Alabama has converted (save for a small enclave which I will surely smite on November 24th), and My religion continues to spread like cholesterol at a tailgate. I know how exciting my religion can be, but before you accept Sabanism, I want to set you a few ground rules that you must absolutely follow if you intend to be My subjects. These are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism:

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1. I am Your Lord and God. If the Spring Game was an indication, you’ve already got this down cold. You’ve even used my wisdom to distract my detractors away from Tuscaloosa and towards Fayetteville, Arkansas. That was a piece of genius on our part.

2. Thou Shalt Not Make a False Idol. I come here expecting to be the one an only God, and you Pagans keep showing me this “Bear Bryant” crap. Why? What made that guy so special? You should know better than to worship him. If he’s so godly, then why did he die? FOR I AM IMMORTAL! Worship Me, dammit!

3. Thou Shalt not Swear His Holy Name in Vain. Or more specifically, use FOIA rights to look at His text messaging habits.

4. Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Holy. I think you’ve already got this one down. Thank Me that I didn’t make the Sabbath a Tuesday.

5. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother. Which is Me in this case. In My religion, I am the provider, I am the birthgiver, I am the warrior, I am the dictator, I am the medicine man, I am the milk man, I am the mailman, I am the Wu-Tang Clan. Konichi-wa, bitches!

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6. Thou Shalt Not Kill. Unless it’s Tommy Tuberville. Or Les Miles. Yeah, killing those guys would actually help Me out a lot. Could you do that for Me? If I do it, people could get suspicious. I’m the only person on Earth who kills with shurikens I set on fire. Sorry, that’s how I roll. Those things slice like nobody’s business when they’re on fire.

7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. I will NOT go 9-3, lose to Auburn, and have you start talking about Steve Mariucci, Dammit!

8. Thou Shalt Not Steal. That’s why I close practices to the public, stupid. Besides, you mortals would not be able to handle what I’ve been conjuring up in My playbook. Formations the likes of which have never been seen before. Let’s see how Phil Fulmer responds to the “shurikens on fire” formation! That’ll blow his brain all the way to the Flea Market…Montgomery…It’s just like…It’s just like…a Mini Mall!

9. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness. Wait. You know what? Scratch that one. It makes Me uncomfortable. New Commandment:

9. Thou Shalt Emulate My Hairstyle. There, that’s better.

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10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Worldly Possessions. Especially When I leave to coach the San Diego Chargers in 2009. For Saban’s sake, can anyone, ANYONE count their money on the golf course in peace these days?

So those are the Ten Commandments of Sabanism. They will be etched in stone at the entrance to Bryant-Denny Stadium. Read it. Live it. Break any of them and I will personally come to your house and kick your balls to a pulp. So sayeth Nick Saban.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Alabama, College Football, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, NCAA, Nick Saban, Sabanism, SEC, Tar Heel posts | 14 Comments »

 
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