Digital Headbutt

A sports blog about stuff…stuff that involves things.

Archive for the ‘Cult of Personality’ Category

Joe Paterno Announces Successful Recruitment of Richard Pryor

Posted by Mike on February 11, 2008

 

brains.jpgrichardpryor.jpg

 

The Penn State coach eagerly awaits Pryor’s letter of intent.
State College Police said they may intervene if Pryor attempts to come. Said the police chief, “One flesh-eating zombie running around town is bad enough.”

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, Big Ten, College Football, Cult of Personality, Great Moments in Stupidity, Penn State, Recruiting, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, Zombies | Leave a Comment »

Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 10

Posted by Mike on November 14, 2007

After creating the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game a few weeks ago, the time has come do discover: how drunk would you have been had you actually played the game? Let’s find out.

 cuervo.jpg

Up next: his pep talk for Navy.

We immediately see the loose tie and addressing the audience “men”, as always, and the pep talk is for Navy, a mid-major (non ND independent) team who just gave up 59 points in a loss…to 1-AA Delaware. From what I can tell, I definitely see a left side sweep play on the bottom right corner of the white board. I can already tell that two of the three receivers aren’t in position to block, and the play would take too long to develop. one + one + two + three + five = twelve sips.

“Without people like me, there would have been no upper half of the class. My teacher once said ‘You know a lot of people don’t know what’s goin’g on. But Lou Holtz, you don’t even suspect that anything’s going on.’” Not only is this a weird anecdote that probably paints a gloomy picture of your life, but the irony regarding Lou Holtz’s (and really, ESPN’s) cultural awareness is almost overwhelming The irony alone is worth five sips. The quote, when tallied altogether, is two + three + five = ten sips.

What happens for the next minute is Pep Talk gold: a long anecdote about life, death, and backing away from promises, all for the sake of competition, and somehow bringing that all back to football with a hasty segue: “He swam back a mile and a half because he did not swim a mile. Men, we’ve lost to Notre Dame 43 times because we didn’t believe we could beat ‘em once.”  It’s these kinds of anecdotes, that take up 75% of the time and only in the end let you know it has to do with your class, that make you smack your forehead in frustration. They’re also the oments that make a particular teacher memorable. It’s not enough to make you drink the whole bottle, though. Five sips. 

“Later on in life, you’re gonna say ‘I learned a valuable lesson and it wasn’t in the classroom. It was in the locker room, just prior to breaking that losing streak against Notre Dame. Let’s go!” If that isn’t hyperbole, nothing is. two + one = three sips. 

So, not including lisps (which can choose to count or not), you would have been required to drink 30 big sips of beer or 15 shots of liquor had you been playing the Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game for Week 10.  In addition you would have been required to drink whatever remained of 1 gallon of beer or the bottle of liquor on Saturday, after Navy’s triple overtime victory over the Irish. In which case, it’s a miracle that you’re able to read this.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, College Football, Cult of Personality, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz, Patriotism at its finest, Pep Talk, stay off the sauce kids, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | 3 Comments »

Lou’s Pep Talk Alcohol Poisoning Watch: Week 9

Posted by Mike on November 6, 2007

By now, most of you have become familiar with Lou Holtz’s Pep Talk and the drinking game I chose to attach to it. (We have a few new elements to the game-check it out.) However, are you wondering how drunk you would have been if you had tried to play it? Let’s find out.

alcohol-pringles.jpg

You don’t even want to KNOW what the Pringles are for.

First up: His second pep talk for Nebraska.

Fan IQ thinks the pep talk was a disaster, but the weirdness is something worth cherishing. But on to the tally.

Right off the bat, I see his loose tie, the talk is for a once-proud program who lost to Oklahoma State in Week 8, and I recognize a left side off-tackle run play to the left of his head. That’s one + one +two +three = seven sips before he even says anything.

“The time to worry is before you place your bet, and not after they spin the wheel.” That’s fortune cookie material. One sip.

“We solved sexism, racism, we’ll solve problems with Nebraska football if enough people care.” That is the kind of analogy and hyperbole that no one could hope to understand but him. Two + three = five sips.

“I’ll always have a future.” Bill Callahan? Future? HA! Two sips.

“If I didn’t show up, who would miss me and why?” Think about that before the next time your mother-in-law tries to show up. Three sips.

“Let’s go make Texas sorry that we showed up today. Let’s go!” That is one mad septogenarian right there. four + one = five sips.

So not counting the lisps (which, I admit, may be too many to keep track of), if you had played the Drinking game in Week 9, you would have taken 23 gulps of beer or 11.5 shots of liquor during Lou’s Pep Talk for Nebraska. If you add to that the Huskers’ close loss to Texas in that game, the number goes to 27/13.5.

Posted in College Football, Cult of Personality, Drink! Drink! Drink!, Lou Holtz, Pep Talk, Stuff That Involves Things, This Post Goes To Eleven | 26 Comments »

Mom, You Can Call Off The Bots Now

Posted by Mike on November 1, 2007

Digital Headbutt began to delve into the sports blog universe one year ago this week. Its beginnings were humble, and I was not even fully aware of the vast sports blogosphere around me until this space had been around for three months. 207 posts and 110,000+ hits later, I may very well have created a monster. The kind of monster who ventures into the realm of the unknown, for varying lengths of time, and brings back stuff like this.


Of all the posts on Digital Headbutt, these three were statistically your favorites:

Benny Feilhaber’s Gold Cup Winning Goal

The Survive-Off

(Which reminds me: Day 3 of the Survive-Off is coming…)

The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

I would like to thank all of the sports blogosphere, and all of the great people, too many to mention in this space, whom I would not have collaborated with, spoken to, or met without Digital Headbutt and Tar Heel Mania. You have made this worthwhile. Because dammit, they won’t let me put AdSense on this thing!

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, Cruelty to mascots, Cult of Personality, Digital Headbutt, GOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!, Great Moments in Stupidity, HUEVONAZO!, Mel Kiper Has No Idea What's Going On, Mud Butt, Secret Identities, Shameless Self Promotion, Skit Ocksa!, Stuff That Involves Things, Things that are more fun in foreign dialects, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, what is this hyperbole of which you speak?, Wojo, yes this is a slow news day. how can you tell?, Your hubris is burning from the nosebleed section | Leave a Comment »

A Secret Identity Revealed: Austin Powers’ New Life In College Football

Posted by Mike on October 18, 2007

Austin Powers was the man. In the 1960′s he had become one of the greatest and most beloved international spies that this world has ever known. But beneath his story lies a secret…that his story is not yet over.

austin-powers.jpg

 Let us begin with what you know. The story goes that Austin was at the peak of his game as a spy in 1967, and had his arch nemesis, Dr. Evil, completely cornered in his secret Nevada lair. But Dr. Evil bought himself just enough time to escape in a rocket/cryogenic chamber, and shoot off into space to return at an undetermined later date, when Austin was either dead, or too old to fight him. The British secret service, all but certain that Austin was the only man who could stop Dr. Evil,  decided to counter his move by cryogenically freezing Mr. powers until Dr. Evil’s return to earth.

That was the official story. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned about international intelligence, it’s that agencies only reveal what they want you to know. Only now, through a obscure photograph, can we realize the truth.

It turns out that Mr. Powers was never frozen at all. MI-6 was well aware that cryonics caused irreversible tissue damage, and concluded that a frozen Dr. Evil could not be revived anytime in the forseeable future, and thus was no longer a threat. At this point, Austin wanted to retire and go into another profession. But he would never be able to do so under his current identity; any job taken by the most famous spy in the world would have the inherent risk of death at the hands of foreign governments, still unaware or skeptical of his “retirement”.

No, they had to change his identity completely. Appearance, accent, body build, even his personality…everything. And so MI-6′s work on Mr. Powers truly began. They hired the world’s top plastic surgeons to rebuild him from the ground up, and put him through what is today the most extensive brainwashing program ever declassified, to make him the exact opposite of a British spy hipster–a football coach from the American heartland.  He learned all that there was to know about down home Americana, and more American football than the rest of his countrymen put together would ever know. In 1969, his new life would begin as the head coach at a small college, William & Mary. Over the next 30 years, he would eventually become one of college football’s most well known figures.

However, MI-6 now admits that just enough of the old Austin remained to attempt a fruitful search for his current persona. There had been suspicions as to which college coach he had become, but it was not until this photograph from a 1976 press conference was found that his true identity would be revealed:

 young-holtz.jpg

Austin Powers, one of the world’s greatest spies, has lived a completely different life in retirement…as Lou Holtz.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Austin Powers, Cult of Personality, Lou Holtz, NCAA, Pep Talk, Prepare to have your mind blown...and not in that way d, Secret Identities, Stuff That Involves Things, When you least expect it...EXPECT IT!, WTF | 2 Comments »

Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day Two

Posted by Mike on August 21, 2007

Bear Grylls and Les Stroud have been given a challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate Survivor?

beargrylls1.jpglesstroud2.jpg

Day One is in the books, and Bear had a rough night. As dawn breaks on Day Two, Bear Returns to main camp, and finds a surprise. After an already rough 24 hours, this sends him over the edge.

———————————————

Bear: Ughhhhhhhh. That was not ideal. It was the roughest night, that I, have ever had to endure. At least I had a lot of company on Everest. I’m just glad I’m back to–…

(Hears a distinct crunch, looks at cameraman)

What the hell was that?

Cameraman #1: (mouth full) Ummmngnngg… Idonnonnn.

doritos.jpg

Bear: Is that…DORITOS?!? What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Cameraman #1: Uhhmm…Surviving?

Since when does corn grow in this God-forsaken place? I’m here surviving in the f—ing wilderness, taking whatever God has thrown at me, and here you are in some sort of…orange-powdered orgy with your potato chips!

Cameraman #2: They’re actually torti–

They’re a disgrace, that’s what they are! A f—ing disgrace! How is anyone supposed to take this survival show seriously! Here I am getting scrotal frostbite in an ice cave, and my crew is carrying tents and the vending machine from hell every step of the way! Dammit, show some balls, man! The only thing that would make you wussier is a harmonica.

Les: I heard that.

Bear: Shut up, old man! You and your musical dildo still have to answer to the Queen!

You know, there was actually this story about a man, a cameraman, who came into the Hokkaido winter on a mountain just like this. He opened a bag of Doritos, and it eventually attracted an angry bear. That bear was starving, and he smelled the food from about a mile away. When the bear saw the bag in the human’s hands, he began to charge. The man tried t run, but he stood no chance. He bit off the man’s nether region, before mauling, and trampling, and clawing him to death, and all for that little bit of food, and that just shows why you’ve got be careful, and NOT BLOODY EAT SNACK FOOD IN THE BLOODY WILD!!!

Cameraman #1: Ahhh, okay, I get it! (cowers away in fear)

Bear: Give me that bag. You don’t deserve to have this. (stuffs face with Doritos) You gooaaaeees ogga be (more Doritos) affamed of youfelffs…

———————————————

For Les and Bear, the Doritos are the only food they’ve had since leaving Sapporo 36 hours before. They must now search for food, and they have spotted some animals in a ravine. The must now descend a sheer rock face.

Les: I’m gonna get my ride for this one. (walks up to pimped-out ride he made the day before)

pimp_ride.jpg

Oh, crap.

Bear: What now?

Les: Well, I was going to use this vehicle to traverse the cliffs, but the door is locked.

Bear: Wait a minute…this is a survival vehicle…of your design?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And you needed access to this vehicle at all times?

Les: Yes.

Bear: And yet you put a lock on it and used it?

Les: Yes…

Bear: Well, that was a fresh cup o’ stupid, now wasn’t it? Well, I suppose it’s not that bad. So…Where are the keys?

Les: (slouches) right there, on the dashboard.

Bear: (snickers turn into uncontrollable laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Hahahahahah, haha, hahah, haaaaaaa… sorry. It’s just… what in God’s name were you thinking man?

Les: Don’t laugh too hard, or I’ll be forced to use this.

Bear: Use what, a water purifier that you crapped on?

Les:

——————–

After Les wakes up a few hours later, our heroes finally attempt to descend the cliff.

——————–

Les: Man, this is a tough place to climb. I am really not comfortable with his. The drop is about 150 feet, and the angle is about 60, 70-

(slips off rock)

Whoooooooaaaaaaa!

——————–

Les has taken a very, very hard fall. He has a lot of bad bruises and some scrapes, but, amazingly, he has no major fractures, open wounds, or other injuries. Nevertheless, he lies at the bottom of the cliff, concussed, bewildered, and in pain. Meanwhile, Bear has safely descended to the bottom of the cliff in only a little over the time it took for Stroud to tumble down.

——————–

Les: Uuuuuuugghhhhhhh… I feel terrible.

Bear: When climbing, use your legs, three points of contact, no arms over your head, blah, blah blah, and we’re down. Hey Les, looks like you didn’t have much trouble getting down either, “ehhhhh?”

Les: Oh, shut it. I just took the worst fall in my life, I alerted every living, breathing food source of my arrival, and now it will take me that much longer to track them down.

Bear: Cameramen! (clap clap)

Cameramen: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! (scale down cliff with an amount of climbing equipment that even the most paranoid citizens of this planet would consider overkill)

Bear: Release the zebra!

Cameraman #1: (releases Zebra from first cage)

Bear: Wait for it…wait for it…and…release the lions!

Cameraman #2: (releases lions from second cage)

Lions:

Cameramen: (bring lions back into cage)

Bear:

 

mmmzebra.jpg

Ugh. This tastes like…chicken that been marinated in its own crap, then left in the sun for a few days. But it’s a good source of protein, and just about anything is better than nothing. Would you like to try some, baldy?

Les: Where the f— did you get lions in Japan?

Bear: Where did you get peanut butter and jelly in the Kalahari desert?

Les: Oh now come on, that was different!

Bear: No it wasn’t.

Les: Yes it was.

Bear: (puts on banana costume) It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Les: Stop that.

Bear: Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Now There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go!

Les: Dude, I said cut it out!

Bear: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Les: Well, at least I know why you always bring these cameramen. They’re the only reason you’re alive.

Bear: (whistles) Release the lions!

Lions: (run toward Les at 30 miles per hour)

Les: AHHHHHHH (runs for cover up a tree)

The lions quickly lose interest, but decide to scurry into the Japanese wilderness, possibly putting the entire ecosystem at risk, before they accidentally slip into raging rapids. With night falling, our heroes need to make camp, and there’s no way the Mr. Stroud is going back up that cliff.

Les: I can’t climb back up to our old camp tonight. This looks like a good place to make camp; the cliffs will prevent any animals from sneaking up on us.

Bear: (gnaws on zebra leg) Fair enough. We’ll make separate shelters.

Les: This rock should be a good start.

Mr. Stroud has made a basic A frame with sticks protecting him on one side and a large rock on the other.

stroud-shelter.jpg

Bear: Okay, boys, bring it in!

Crane: BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP

The crane has lifted in a 500 square foot log cabin.

bear-shelter1.jpg

Les: Okay, this is getting out of hand.

Bear: What? I froze my bloody balls off in an ice cave last night. Once is enough, thank you.

——————–

Both men begin to work on making a fire. While Bear gathers wood, Les chops away at the back side of Bear’s cabin for his firewood. He plans to use a gasoline rag, sock lint, his multitool, a sulfurous rock, oil from Japanese birch bark, and the leftover zebra bones, which may or may not have explosive qualities. Bear’s flint works pretty easily. Les’s fire-making technique, needless to say, requires a bit more patience.

——————–

Les: Okay, so I’m going to strike the metal of the multitool, against this sulphur rock, and see if I can create a spark against the gasoline rage and the tinder.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Four Hours Later…

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

(strikes the rock)

Damn.

Bear: How’s the fire going, Les?

Les: Gimme that flint.

(strikes the flint)

Mr. Stroud is now quite charred, but at least he has a warm, raging fire that will last well into the next morning. The explosion having subsided, both of our heroes decide to call it a night. But Bear is still wearing the giant banana suit from Peanut Butter Jelly Time. He has now attracted hundreds of Japanese snow monkeys, who believe that he’s a giant banana. At midnight the monkeys make their move, entering the cabin through the hole that, ironically, Les opened taking wood for his fire.

cominatchalikeamonkey.jpg

Monkeys: Whatever the hell is monkey speak for “attack”. “Hu-Hu-HAAAAA!”, maybe?

Bear: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

As Les licks his wounds and Bear fends off simians, it looks to be another cold, hard night for our heroes…on the second night of the Survive-Off.

Posted in AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!, Am I going to hell for this?, Bear Grylls, Cult of Personality, Great Moments in Stupidity, Hokkaido, Les Stroud, Stuff That Involves Things, The Survive-Off, This is why the Internet was invented, Way More Tags Than This Post Merits, what is this hyperbole of which you speak? | 40 Comments »

 
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