Norway Bracing For Hostile Takeover Attempt From Liverpool Fans

For the next six days and possibly beyond, the federal government of Norway has declared a national state of emergency. The nation fears that at an attempt at their sovereignty may come from Liverpool FC fans in the wake of countryman John Arne Riise’s own goal for the Reds in the first leg of their 119th consecutive UEFA Champions League semifinal matchup against Chelsea (1:15 mark).

The Norwegian Defense Force has been mobilized and is now in full force patrolling the country’s coast, airports, and border with Sweden. The government has made public their fears about the size and organization of Liverpool fans, and how ugly their response could be should Riise’s own goal in extra time ultimately become the goal that keeps the Premier League side from Moscow.

“Right now we’re preparing for the worst”, said Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg. “If there’s too much cheap beer flowing in northern England on the 30th and Liverpool stays out of the final by that one goal, retaliation against our people would be a near certainty.”

When asked about his government’s plan to slow down the potential onsluaght, Stoltenberg said: “At that point the only way we could stop them would be with a strategic supply of poisons at choke points. That means fried Snickers bars in Glasgow, Thorramatur from Iceland in Copenhagen, plastic marijuana leaves in Amsterdam, and ocular herpes in Hamburg. We hope that will weaken them enough that the Lutefisk on our shores will incapacitate them and end the threat.”

He added his worst case scenario. “Of course, we have no idea to what extent, or even if this plan will work. We could be just kidding ourselves. They eat the cuisine of Northern England; they may as well be vultures. My point is, that’s pretty much the only viable option we have. This is the same fanbase who may become the first group to completely overthrow an American capitalistic system. Meanwhile, two heroin junkies from Bergen with a pistol and a Jetta station wagon stumbled out of an Oslo museum with The Scream. If 70,000 determined hooligans make it to our shores, we’re pretty much screwed. At this point, I’m just hoping Avram Grant doesn’t show up in the aftermath looking for fresh brains.”

Riise could not be reached for comment, but we’re guessing he’s hiding out in Bill Buckner’s Idaho ranch right about now. So if you’re a Reds fan in the western US with nothing better to do, go…TP his hideout or something.

UPDATE (4/24): When even the UK-wide sports announcers lose it upon sight of the own goal, Norway is in it deep.

Brandon Jennings: Hero of the McDonalds All-American Game

Not because of his performance (which was impressive in itself), but because of this:

 That’s right, one future college point guard is determined to bring back the high fade. Brandon Jennings, a 6-2 point guard who will play for Arizona next season, showed up to the McDonald’s all American game with the eraser hair you see in the picture above. This phenomenon was remarkable in that it is the first time I actually remember something that happened at a McDonald’s All-American game. Sure, he’s phenomenal player. Sure, he’s a youtube idol from the powerhouse Oak Hill Academy. Sure, he had 12 points, nine assists, and could have had more if the rest of his team were paying attention. But who cares! He’s bringing back the hi-top! If he keeps this look and if someone can talk Jerryd Bayless to stay in Tuscon a little longer, the Wildcats will be one of my favorite teams to watch next season.

Manu Ginobili Combover Watch

I haven’t watched much of the NBA this year. My knowledge only goes as far as this: The Celtics are back, there are only two good teams in the east, the top 9 teams in the west are within about 6 games of each other, the Bobcats are still “too young” to be any good, and the Shaq trade to Phoenix was terrible. And really, that’s all I would really need to know.

However, watching a bit of a Spurs-Nuggets game made something abundantly clear to me: Manu Ginobili is going to get a combover before he retires.

The writing is on the wall. It has now become painfully obvious that Ginobili has male-pattern baldness. During the Nuggets game, one could see it from space. Here’s a sample of what he’s up against, and trust me, this picture is kind:

Photo: AP/Eric Gay

Right now we’re looking at a man in denial. Manu seems to have no intention of embracing the inevitable and shaving his head. He is far too proud of his locks, or rather the locks he once had, to do that.

But there will come a day when that spot on his head becomes far too big to ignore. On that day he must choose between accepting his fate…and making one last desperate move. I have almost no doubt that he will choose the latter.

Now that we’ve established that the combover is going to happen, all that’s left do do is speculate. What’s the over/under on when we will see it? What will it look like? How long will he try to keep it up? The possibilities could be endless.

UEFA Champions League Knockout Stage Storylines

As we hit the second leg of the UEFA Champions League knockout stage this week, let’s look at a few of the “storylines” on the road to Moscow.

1. The defending champion, AC Milan, is owned by Italian business tycoon/politician/controller of all media/midget Silvio Berlusconi. He cares so much about the knockout stage of the Champions League, he’s going to reanimate the cryogenically frozen body of Paolo Maldini just for the occasion.

So many different and funny ways that you could have made fun of AC Milan. You had Ronaldo…you had Gilardino…you had at least two players whose names had some variation of “ca-ca”…and yet you chose the “Paolo Maldini is old” joke. I am so disappointed.

2. In the history of UEFA Champions League, only two teams not from Western Europe have won. This year, two such teams made it to the knockout stages: Olympiacos FC (Greece) and Fenerbahce (Turkey). To see either of these teams advance and loosen the death grip that Western Europe has on futbol would be fantastic.

In a completely unrelated story, the bettors have Chelsea and Sevilla winning 6-0 and 8-3 on aggregate “based on a hunch.” The G-14 lives!

Above, members of the “defunct” G-14 football confederation hold an emergency meeting about the growing threat of Slavia Prague.

3. There is only one reason, I repeat, one reason why I know anything about Celtic. And that is because my mom has had a crush on their goalkeeper, Artur Boruc, after seeing him play for Poland in the World Cup.

4. Rumor has it that Rafa Benitez might be leaving Liverpool after a disappointing Premiership season and fallout with the team’s American ownership (and in turn, the ownership’s fallout with fans). The reality is that Rafa already left during the summer, and Bizarro Rafa Benitez has been coaching the Mersysiders this entire season. Haven’t they taught you anything about goatees and evil parallel universes?

One of the tell-tale signs that the goateed Rafa is a fraud: he no longer has the ability to control your television.

 

5. For all the fuss about AC Milan, it is actuallly Inter at the top of the Serie A table right now. Inter has the Champions League’s inly two Colombian players, Ivan Cordoba and Nelson Rivas. They have earned a spot on their roster in part due to their talent, but mostly to help support owner Massimo Moratti’s massive cocaine habit.

I mean, look at him. If that’s not the most coked-up old Italian man you’ve ever seen in your life, then I’d like to know who is.

6. Barcelona’s primary sponsor is UNICEF. In the true spirit of the UN, the team is going to make a ridiculously frivolous purchase and blame Fulham for their early Champions League exit.

The scary part: Brain McBride actually looks like a marionette.

7. Lyon plays in Stade Gerland, the stadium where team USA famously ended their dead-last 1998World Cup finish with a loss to Iran. Little known fact: Ahmadinejad has this game on a continuous loop in every TV of the Presidential Palace.

8. Much like the American presidential system, there’s an unwritten rule that says that any player must be at least 35 years of age to be a goalkeeper for Arsenal. Dammit, that’s the second old joke you’ve made today! That’s not funny!

9. Manchester United has the Champions League’s only Chinese player, Dong Fangzhou. Yeah, United likes Dong. They simply can’t get enough Dong. They…wait…you didn’t think I meant…you’re sick, you know that?!?

Dong.

10. In the event that Chelsea is involved in an aggregate tie, the match will not go to penalty kicks. Instead, Israeli manager Avram Grant will challenge his rival manager to a Krav Maga deathmatch in the middle of the pitch. Or maybe he’ll concede if you just, you know, let him suck your blood.

Let me get my fang dentures. 

 

11. Germans have actually come a long way culturally since World War II. Just look at who the knockout stage’s only remaining German team, Schalke 04, just signed during the January transfer window:

Enjoy this week’s second leg of the Round of 16.

Thank God The Teddy Bear Caught On

Or else this picture would haunt our daily nightmares.

According to The Saint Louis Athletics website, the Billiken was a lucky charm that had a huge following in the early 20th century. The doll was named after William Howard Taft, the new U.S. President. The first manufacturer of the dolls, Horsman Dolls Inc., produced them as a sort of sequel to their original hit presidential toy, the Teddy Bear. The mere thought of a Build-A Billiken Workshop feels like something akin to birthing the undead.

However, that isn’t why I posted this picture. I also didn’t intend to target Rick Majerus for two posts in a row. But I simply cannot stop laughing at this picture, and what’s could be about to happen. They both have that evil grin on their face. Either Majerus or the mythical creature to your right is about to be eaten…and frankly, I’m not sure which.

Has Wilford Brimley Joined The Witness Protection Program?

Or has Dieter just really, really let himself go? YOU DECIDE!

Whomever he is, he happens to be coaching the Saint Louis Billikens basketball team tonight.