Terrelle Pryor Commits to Duke

In one of the most shocking twists the college football recruiting world has ever seen, Terrelle Pryor announced, completely out of left field, that he was going to enroll as a two-sport athlete at Duke University.

According to Pryor, this shouldn’t come as a shock at all.

“I chose Duke for many, many reasons”, said the prospect to a stunned audience at his press conference in Jeannette, Pennsylvania. “I have openly said to the media that I would prefer to become a professional basketball player than a professional football player. Duke gives me the opportunity to do that which the other schools I considered simply cannot provide.”

When asked why he did not choose Ohio State (who has enjoyed recent basketball success), Pryor said “First of all, it’s cold up here. I was thinking of going to a big Ten school to be in a major conference and be close to my family. But then I thought, “Can I really stand another winter like this? F–k that s–t.”

“Second, have you met Thad Matta? You think I can put up with 3 years of looking at that guy? I mean, you could land small spacecraft on that beak.”

His reasoning did not end there.

“The Duke football program has a lot of enticing aspects for me”, Pryor said. “One is the hiring of David Cutcliffe. He oversaw the development of both Manning brothers in their college careers, and look at what they’ve accomplished.

“Playing for the Blue Devils also takes the pressure off. If I start right off the bat at QB at Michigan, Ohio State, or Penn State, and they have three 8-4 or 9-3 seasons, I’m considered a huge disappointment. If I have one such year at Duke, I will be a God. I will be known as the man who did the impossible, who did what no one else could in the last 20 years of Duke football. Winning a Big Ten title at Ohio State or Michigan happens every other year. But to lead the Blue Devils to a bowl game…now that says something to Heisman voters and pro scouts.”

The explanation for his choice was a bit outlandish, yet well-reasoned so far. However, his final and most important reason dumbfounded everyone.

“Most of all,” said Pryor, “there was one very important reason why I made this decision. And that was to absolutely piss off every college fan in America.”

“You see, as the unanimous #1 prospect in America, I hold all the cards in the collective emotion of college football fans. Both Michigan and Ohio State have been pulling out all the stops to prevent the other from signing me. Simply signing for a different team would have maddened millions of fans around the midwest. But was I satisfied with that? Oh, no. If I was, I would have inked my LOI with Penn State. No, to anger them further, and begin to cause unrest for all who keep track of recruiting, I had to delay my decision past signing day.”

“And then there’s my basketball considerations. If I choose a basketball school, my decision must enrage people who have never kept track of recruiting before. I had to accomplish two things to send an entire nation to the door of their athletic directors, pitchforks and torches in tow. First, I had to choose a football program that was so lowly that every fan, no matter what school, would jump out of their chairs and say “dammit. If Duke had a chance with this guy, my coach damn sure should have had him on speed dial!” Second, my basketball choice had to be a team that everyone loves to hate.”

“Weighing in all of those factors, there was only one choice that would succeed in enraging every collegiate fan in America. I had to go to Duke.”

No one had any explanation for Pryor’s behavior. Some had begun to suspect the influence of his summer as a part-time clerk at the Jeannette, Pa. branch of Popcopy. When why he wanted to anger so many sports fans, he responded “Why? ‘Cause f–k ‘em, that’s why!”

Terrelle than left the press conference, got into his Corvette, and floored it for New Jersey’s southern enclave.

Before You Gripe About the Return of Dickie V…

The game is blacked out from ESPN in North Carolina. The regional coverage is on Raycom/LF sports. Which means that if you live in local viewer market and aren’t in the Dean Dome, you’re stuck with…

from tarheelmaniac.vodpod posted with vodpod

 

 So just be glad you won’t have to listen to Billy Packer. Yet.

Brandan Wright All-Stars: ACC

This was originally posted on Storming The Floor.

Brandan Wright was a great player in his short time at Carolina. As half of one of the best 1-2 frontcourt punches in the nation, he led the ACC in field goal percentage, and was a big lift to a 12-deep UNC team which, when mentally in the game, could not be stopped.

However, Brandan had a weakness. Oh, did he have a weakness. His free throw shooting was terrible. The shooting motion was almost painful to watch, and Heels fans could hear the clang of the ball bouncing off the rim from the moment Wright drew a foul. It was especially painful when compared to Tyler Hansbrough, about an 80% free throw shooter. As great and talented a player as Brandan was, the one aspect of his Carolina career which I will always remember is OH MY GOD HE’S SHOOTING FREE THROWS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

So this is dedicated to the players who only shoot the ball smooth as silk when there’s a hand in their face. The great shooters of each conference who can’t hit a free throw to save their souls. These…are the Brandan Wright All-Stars of the ACC.

Center: Ryan Pettinella, Virginia. The 6-9 senior transfer from Penn has rapidly regressed in his free throw abilities during his college career. As a freshman, he shot 63.1 percent from the free throw line. Since then, the percentage has come down to 42%, to 24%, to an unbelievable 10% this season.

Read that again. Ten percent from the free throw line. Dave Leitao would get a better free throw percentage from a parapalegic with Tourettes in the student section. All of this despite shooting nearly 54% from the field.

Forward: Gani Lawal, Georgia Tech. The local freshman phenom from College Park is second in the ACC in field goal percentage (66.1), but is only 20 of 38 from the charity stripe, less than 53 percent.

Forward: Dwayne Collins, Miami(FL). The Hurricanes’ sixth man has been a valuable part of their 13-1 start, shooting 59.1% off the bench. However, with a 46.3 shooting percentage from the stripe. expect to see him on the bench in the final minutes.

Guard: Rakim Sanders, Boston College. The Eagles’ shooting guard, designated sharpshooter, and second leading scorer (behind the indispensable Tyrese Rice) is a paltry 36.4 percent from the line this season.

Guard: Cliff Hammonds, Clemson. You know I had to put a Clemson player on this list. While he was not involved in the Tiger’s charity stripe breakdown against North Carolina, his free throw percentage is perhaps the worst among ACC starters (35%), despite being one of the conference’s best 3-point shooters, 46.3% from beyond the arc.

So the next time your team is playing from behind late in a game, these are the players you need to foul.

(Dis)honorable mention: Brian Zoubek (Duke), Deon Thompson (UNC), Ismael Smith (Wake), The entire Clemson squad, except Terrence Oglesby, in their game against North Carolina.

College Basketball is Finally Upon Us

Two of my favorite events have made an official return this week. The first is Man vs. Wild…

…and the other is college basketball.

Photo courtesy of the greatest photoshop thread in history.

It finally dawned on me when Marco of Storming the Floor (formerly of Just Call Me Juice) asked me to write a team preview for North Carolina. As you are well aware, I never turn down the opportunity to spread the gospel of the Tar Heels, so I accepted the offer to write there, as well as an article before Wednesday’s UNC opener vs. Davidson for the folks at We Rite Goode. After another football season, I will enjoy seeing my alma mater at #1. But even more than that, I will enjoy the ability to make fun of Duke anew. Yes, college basketball is coming, and I can’t wait.

Super Awesome Team Previews: #1 North Carolina

 

UNC 2007 Football Season In a Nutshell: The Drummers of Spinal Tap

(Note: This was originally posted on Tar Heel Mania.)

As of right now, UNC has the title of “most excusable 2-6 team in the nation”. However, it really has been difficult to categorize this exciting, yet frustrating year. It’s much easier to characterize our losses than the season as a whole, and with the magic of the Internet, I’ve stumbled upon something comparable: the ill-fated drummers of Spinal Tap.

This is exactly where UNC is this season: on the cusp of success, but always losing under bizarre and mysterious circumstances (most of which are their own doing).

ECU and Virginia games: “Bizarre gardening accidents.”

The game at East Carolina was the first time the Tar Heels faced a division I-A offense, and it showed. Patrick Pinkney had a field day against the Carolina secondary, on route to over 400 passing yards. However, UNC’s offense was able to keep pace, and had the ball in a 31-31 game, in ECU territory, with less than two minutes left.

This is where things got out of hand. First, Yates fumbled the second down snap. Then, on 3rd and 4 from the 34, UNC have the ball to tailback Johnny White, who was stopped for no gain and set up a 51 yard field goal attempt. The snap was good, but Ryan Bauchom completely botched the hold, he had to fall on the ball. East Carolina regained possession near midfield with 53 seconds left, and eventually won on a last second field goal of their own, ironically after their kicker had missed his last 3 attempts.

Against Virginia, one of the plays that prevented us from winning the game was the 4th quarter interception by defensive lineman Chris Long, which eventually set up the game winning field goal. The Cavaliers did not always put pressure on T.J. Yates in the second half, but the entire game the defensive line managed to bat down passes at the line of scrimmage. On one such play, Chris Long managed to deflect the ball to himself, catch it, and run 30 yards the other way into field goal range. Julius Peppers is the only player I can recall who was able to make such a play in college. it was simply unbelievable.

The way we lost our first two games were so bizarre that we may never again see the Tar Heels lose in quite the same way.

Virginia Tech and South Carolina games: “You can’t really dust for vomit.”

The Tar Heels had kept each of these games close, but had allowed teh game to slip away due to their own very-ill-timed mistakes.

Against Virginia Tech, North Carolina was well into the third quarter, only trailing 10-3 and driving to score. Ryan Houston had played a solid game up to this point at tailback, and Carolina was faced with a second a goal at the 5. Houston got the ball and was stopped at the line, but the ball was propelled out of his hands and into the end zone, where Virginia Tech recovered. Not long afterwards, T.J. Yates, having just gotten out of terrible field position, threw a pass that deflected off of Kenton Thornton’s fingertips and into the hands of Xavier Adibi, who returned the interception to the 3 yard line and set a up Brandon Ore’s game-winning touchdown. Without those turnovers, UNC wins the game.

The South Carolina game was even more self-sabotage. For example, Quan Sturdivant had recoverd a Mike Davis Fumble at the SC 15 yard line, and the UNC offense quickly proceeded to throw away their golden opportunity; sack, holding penalty, uncontested rush to the left side, ill-advised throw under pressure, easy interception. The Joe Dailey trick play pick was just as inexplicable. (The one pass they let him throw all year and it’s an interception. Go figure.) A few other missed opportunities, such as Greg Little’s two dropped touchdown passes in the fourth quarter, would have almost certainly changed the outcome of the game.

Certainly we had help along the way with these two games, but for the most part, we were responsible for our own demise.

South Florida and Wake Forest games: “You know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It’s just not really widely reported.”

 

 

These were two games in which the Heels screwed up in just about every way possible (and ironically, both 37-10 losses). Carolina did a good job of keeping it under control for the middle of the game, but the team fell apart in spectacular fashion at the beginning and end of each of these contests. By the time it was over, all that was left of them was “a little green globule”.

Any future losses in 2007: “Well, I’m sure I’d feel much worse if I weren’t under such heavy sedation. “

With four games left in the 2007 season, absolutely nothing should surprise us about this team. We have shown signs of promise in nearly every game we’ve played. More than 50 of the 84 players on our roster had never played a down of college football until this season. The Tar Heels have a nucleus of talented young players (42 true or redshirt freshmen), most of whom will be suiting up in 2008, 2009, and even 2010. This team will be very good, very soon. However, our inexperience makes pretty much every game a crapshoot; we cannot truly claim to know what will happen. So, losses to Maryland or Georgia Tech shouldn’t get your blood boiling too much.

The Duke game, of course, is when we make it big in Japan.

What to Watch: College Football Week 9

The last week or so has been extremely hectic (college midterms)…long story short, Digital Headbutt is back. On to this weeks College Football games:

#7 West Virginia at Rutgers (12:00 ET, ESPN): We haven’t heard much from Morgantown since their loss to South Florida, but they may be creeped their way back into the Big East and BCS discussions–if for no other reason than they haven’t lost since. Well, now they can hide no more. West Virginia, Rutgers welcomes you back to the boathouse. MAO!

North Carolina at Wake Forest (12:00 ET, Raycom/LF): Wake Forest has surprisingly done well enough so far this season  to have a decent chance at defending last year’s surprise ACC title.  UNC, meanwhile, is a 2-5 (1-2 ACC) team that’s thisclose to being a 6-1 (3-0) team. The Heels are coming off a bye week and the toughest part of their schedule, and this game should be much more manageable for UNC. As always, the live blog is on Tar Heel Mania.

#12 USC at #5 Oregon (3:00 ET, FSN): So Oregon, have you been sitting back, laughing as USC and Cal have played themselves out of the Championship picture? Now it’s your turn.

#10 South Florida at #23 UConn (3:30 ET, ABC): If you had told a college football aficionado five to ten years ago that a game between South Florida and Connecticut would be playing as top 25 teams in game that could very well determine the championship in a BCS conference…well, you’d probably be watching this game in a strait jacket.

#11 Florida vs. #18 Georgia (3:30 ET, CBS): In the crowded SEC East Standings, this game is important. For the fans at the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”, drinking is much, much more important.

Nebraska at #19 Texas (3:30 ET, ABC): The Lou Holtz Pep Talk is back…and it is glorious.

#9 Kansas at Texas A&M (7:00 ET, ESPN2): I smell an upset. Kansas’ schedule has been very easy so far, and Dennis Franchione has been backed into a corner, needing quality wins at the end of the season to help save his job.

#1 Ohio State at Penn State (8:00 ET, ABC): Ah, yes. Ohio State has had it way, way too easy so far. Tonight, against the Nittany Lions, we will get so see how good they really are. MAO!

#21 Cal at #4 Arizona State (10:15 ET, FSN): Much like Ohio State and Boston College, Arizona is arguably undefeated because they haven’t faced the tough opponents on our schedule this year. The Golden Bears are reeling, having lost their last two conference games to inferior opponents. We’ll se if they can step up today, and create even more chaos in the race to the BCS championship.

That’s 13 hours of great college football today….you’ll get exhausted just watching.