The Lou Holtz Pep Talk Drinking Game

If you’re like me, you turn into ESPN’s Thursday night football broadcast not for the football, but for the greatest 90 seconds on television: Lou Holtz’s weekly hypothetical pep talk for another squad. And if you’re a college student, a drinking game for such an event is long overdue.

Consider your problem solved. I have created a game suitable to get you more wasted than you have ever gotten yourself in less than five minutes.* Here’s how it will work:

-Take 1 sip (half-shot if you’re using liquor) if:

• Lou directs his talk toward a powerhouse program

• He lisps at least twice in a sentence

• Whenever he says “men”

• Whenever he says “let’s go”

• His tie is especially loose

• NEW! He says something that you would expect to find in a fortune cookie

-Take 2 sips (1 full shot) if:

• He makes an obscure analogy that only he understands

• He directs his talk to a team that lost the previous week

• He lisps at least three times in one sentence

• He uses any prop other than an empty envelope

• NEW! He commits a random act of hyperbole

-Take 3 sips if:

• He directs his talk to a mid-major or Notre Dame

• He lisps every word (and I mean every word) in a sentence at least twice

• He paints a gloomy picture of your future as a human being

• NEW! He asks you to ask yourself an important question

• You recognize a play that he drew on the whiteboard

-Take 4 sips if:

• His team loses in a close game

• He uses a special article of clothing during the speech

• His true inner rage is revealed at any point

• Mark May or Rece Davis makes a sarcastic comment about the pep talk or one of the teams in question

• NEW! He unwittingly makes an obscene hand gesture

-Take 5 sips if:

• His team loses by at least 17 points or against the spread, whichever is larger

• He makes at least three obscure analogies (NEW! Or one really, really big one)

• You realize that said play on whiteboard would never work in real life

-Chug the whole pitcher down (drink the whole bottle of liquor) if:

• His team wins

• He performs a magic trick

• He dances at any point during the speech

• You’re ready to run through a wall afterwards

Last player to not pass out, not puke or the most sober guy after 2 hours wins.

So there you have it, way to make you Pep talk experience even more awesome. Did I leave something out? If so, let me know in the comments.
*At least, that’s how I think it will go down. I don’t drink, so it’s an educated guess. Results vary based on alcohol threshold. Also keep in mind that I am not trying to endorse binge drinking. But if you’re going to binge drink, there may as well be an objective to it.