Grylls vs. Stroud: The Survive-Off, Day Two
Posted by Mike White on August 21, 2007
Bear Grylls and Les Stroud have been given a challenge to find out: Who is the ultimate Survivor?
Day One is in the books, and Bear had a rough night. As dawn breaks on Day Two, Bear Returns to main camp, and finds a surprise. After an already rough 24 hours, this sends him over the edge.
———————————————
Bear: Ughhhhhhhh. That was not ideal. It was the roughest night, that I, have ever had to endure. At least I had a lot of company on Everest. I’m just glad I’m back to–…
(Hears a distinct crunch, looks at cameraman)
What the hell was that?
Cameraman #1: (mouth full) Ummmngnngg… Idonnonnn.
Bear: Is that…DORITOS?!? What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Cameraman #1: Uhhmm…Surviving?
Since when does corn grow in this God-forsaken place? I’m here surviving in the f—ing wilderness, taking whatever God has thrown at me, and here you are in some sort of…orange-powdered orgy with your potato chips!
Cameraman #2: They’re actually torti–
They’re a disgrace, that’s what they are! A f—ing disgrace! How is anyone supposed to take this survival show seriously! Here I am getting scrotal frostbite in an ice cave, and my crew is carrying tents and the vending machine from hell every step of the way! Dammit, show some balls, man! The only thing that would make you wussier is a harmonica.
Les: I heard that.
Bear: Shut up, old man! You and your musical dildo still have to answer to the Queen!
You know, there was actually this story about a man, a cameraman, who came into the Hokkaido winter on a mountain just like this. He opened a bag of Doritos, and it eventually attracted an angry bear. That bear was starving, and he smelled the food from about a mile away. When the bear saw the bag in the human’s hands, he began to charge. The man tried t run, but he stood no chance. He bit off the man’s nether region, before mauling, and trampling, and clawing him to death, and all for that little bit of food, and that just shows why you’ve got be careful, and NOT BLOODY EAT SNACK FOOD IN THE BLOODY WILD!!!
Cameraman #1: Ahhh, okay, I get it! (cowers away in fear)
Bear: Give me that bag. You don’t deserve to have this. (stuffs face with Doritos) You gooaaaeees ogga be (more Doritos) affamed of youfelffs…
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For Les and Bear, the Doritos are the only food they’ve had since leaving Sapporo 36 hours before. They must now search for food, and they have spotted some animals in a ravine. The must now descend a sheer rock face.
Les: I’m gonna get my ride for this one. (walks up to pimped-out ride he made the day before)
Oh, crap.
Bear: What now?
Les: Well, I was going to use this vehicle to traverse the cliffs, but the door is locked.
Bear: Wait a minute…this is a survival vehicle…of your design?
Les: Yes.
Bear: And you needed access to this vehicle at all times?
Les: Yes.
Bear: And yet you put a lock on it and used it?
Les: Yes…
Bear: Well, that was a fresh cup o’ stupid, now wasn’t it? Well, I suppose it’s not that bad. So…Where are the keys?
Les: (slouches) right there, on the dashboard.
Bear: (snickers turn into uncontrollable laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Hahahahahah, haha, hahah, haaaaaaa… sorry. It’s just… what in God’s name were you thinking man?
Les: Don’t laugh too hard, or I’ll be forced to use this.
Bear: Use what, a water purifier that you crapped on?
Les:
——————–
After Les wakes up a few hours later, our heroes finally attempt to descend the cliff.
——————–
Les: Man, this is a tough place to climb. I am really not comfortable with his. The drop is about 150 feet, and the angle is about 60, 70-
(slips off rock)
Whoooooooaaaaaaa!
——————–
Les has taken a very, very hard fall. He has a lot of bad bruises and some scrapes, but, amazingly, he has no major fractures, open wounds, or other injuries. Nevertheless, he lies at the bottom of the cliff, concussed, bewildered, and in pain. Meanwhile, Bear has safely descended to the bottom of the cliff in only a little over the time it took for Stroud to tumble down.
——————–
Les: Uuuuuuugghhhhhhh… I feel terrible.
Bear: When climbing, use your legs, three points of contact, no arms over your head, blah, blah blah, and we’re down. Hey Les, looks like you didn’t have much trouble getting down either, “ehhhhh?”
Les: Oh, shut it. I just took the worst fall in my life, I alerted every living, breathing food source of my arrival, and now it will take me that much longer to track them down.
Bear: Cameramen! (clap clap)
Cameramen: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! (scale down cliff with an amount of climbing equipment that even the most paranoid citizens of this planet would consider overkill)
Bear: Release the zebra!
Cameraman #1: (releases Zebra from first cage)
Bear: Wait for it…wait for it…and…release the lions!
Cameraman #2: (releases lions from second cage)
Lions:
Cameramen: (bring lions back into cage)
Bear:
Ugh. This tastes like…chicken that been marinated in its own crap, then left in the sun for a few days. But it’s a good source of protein, and just about anything is better than nothing. Would you like to try some, baldy?
Les: Where the f— did you get lions in Japan?
Bear: Where did you get peanut butter and jelly in the Kalahari desert?
Les: Oh now come on, that was different!
Bear: No it wasn’t.
Les: Yes it was.
Bear: (puts on banana costume) It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Les: Stop that.
Bear: Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Where he at! Now There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go! There he go!
Les: Dude, I said cut it out!
Bear: Do the Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly! Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
Les: Well, at least I know why you always bring these cameramen. They’re the only reason you’re alive.
Bear: (whistles) Release the lions!
Lions: (run toward Les at 30 miles per hour)
Les: AHHHHHHH (runs for cover up a tree)
The lions quickly lose interest, but decide to scurry into the Japanese wilderness, possibly putting the entire ecosystem at risk, before they accidentally slip into raging rapids. With night falling, our heroes need to make camp, and there’s no way the Mr. Stroud is going back up that cliff.
Les: I can’t climb back up to our old camp tonight. This looks like a good place to make camp; the cliffs will prevent any animals from sneaking up on us.
Bear: (gnaws on zebra leg) Fair enough. We’ll make separate shelters.
Les: This rock should be a good start.
Mr. Stroud has made a basic A frame with sticks protecting him on one side and a large rock on the other.
Bear: Okay, boys, bring it in!
Crane: BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP
The crane has lifted in a 500 square foot log cabin.
Les: Okay, this is getting out of hand.
Bear: What? I froze my bloody balls off in an ice cave last night. Once is enough, thank you.
——————–
Both men begin to work on making a fire. While Bear gathers wood, Les chops away at the back side of Bear’s cabin for his firewood. He plans to use a gasoline rag, sock lint, his multitool, a sulfurous rock, oil from Japanese birch bark, and the leftover zebra bones, which may or may not have explosive qualities. Bear’s flint works pretty easily. Les’s fire-making technique, needless to say, requires a bit more patience.
——————–
Les: Okay, so I’m going to strike the metal of the multitool, against this sulphur rock, and see if I can create a spark against the gasoline rage and the tinder.
(strikes the rock)
Damn.
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Damn.
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Four Hours Later…
(strikes the rock)
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Bear: How’s the fire going, Les?
Les: Gimme that flint.
(strikes the flint)
Mr. Stroud is now quite charred, but at least he has a warm, raging fire that will last well into the next morning. The explosion having subsided, both of our heroes decide to call it a night. But Bear is still wearing the giant banana suit from Peanut Butter Jelly Time. He has now attracted hundreds of Japanese snow monkeys, who believe that he’s a giant banana. At midnight the monkeys make their move, entering the cabin through the hole that, ironically, Les opened taking wood for his fire.
Monkeys: Whatever the hell is monkey speak for “attack”. “Hu-Hu-HAAAAA!”, maybe?
Bear: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
As Les licks his wounds and Bear fends off simians, it looks to be another cold, hard night for our heroes…on the second night of the Survive-Off.
August 22, 2007 at 2:52 pm
All’n all, a good day for Bear, but the nights looking a little rough! Maybe that hand 2 hand is going to come in handy. Shaolin Monkey Style time?
August 22, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Bear just needs to get rid of that Banana suit. The question is, can he do it before it’s too late?
August 24, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Funny how in Les new episode of surviorman he stays in a log cabin. All he does is complain all the time. “I’m gonna have a word with my producers when I get back.” Says Les when he was in the jungle. Bear Grylls is far better than Les. He should win hands down.
August 26, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Good point Mike! That’s why you’re the one writing this.
…BTW, You sound like an efficent survivalist!
Is this going to be a 7 day adventure?
August 26, 2007 at 5:04 pm
when’s day 3 gonna come?
August 29, 2007 at 4:00 pm
How come Les always ends up in a log cabin(labrador episode) or a premade hut(amazon). He might have to film himself, but he has so much survival equipment that it would be hard to die out there. In labrador he had a gun, an axe and steaks that were supposed to be for the dogs. People who call Bear a fake should watch survivorman and see how pathetic Les is. surviving in a desert is much easier with 5 gallons of water. just ask Les.
August 31, 2007 at 1:22 pm
just ask bear how easy it is to survive when you check in to a motel. Bear is a fake, les does his shit for real.
September 2, 2007 at 7:17 pm
I stole the following from the previous post. (Just a bit of honesty that “Bear” apparently doesn’t feel obligated to provide.)
My take on the network’s comments is that “Bear” was trying to pull a fast one on his employers as well. Fortunately, due to the public’s disatisfaction with one more example of our culture of lying. They have called for a level of “transparent” (cy) not seen before seen on “Bears” show.
Personally, I think it’s important that shows demonstrating survival skills be as realiztic as possible. (Often it’s the hidden (and overlooked) aspects of the environment the get’cha)
I think viewers should keep in mind that alot of the things “Bear” does are a lot easier to do after “staying at a Holiday Inn Express last night” (and probably eating his fill of steak, btw). Than if he’d spent the last couple days (and nights) eating what he could find or catch (and freezing his axx off all night).
That’s one of the things that makes Survivorman more realistic.
———————————–
Lee Says:
August 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
[Feedback from Discovery]
Thank you for contacting Discovery Networks. Man Vs Wild is a how-to guide to basic survival techniques in extreme environments. We have learned that isolated elements of the show in some episodes were not natural to the environment, and that the crew and host received some assistance while in the field mainly for health and safety concerns.
Moving forward, the program will be completely transparent in its promotion and all elements of the filming will be explained to our viewers. This will also apply to repeated programs which will be re-cut and include a disclaimer upfront. Bear Grylls is a world class adventurer and terrific talent.
For more information about schedules and programming, please visit our website at http://www.discovery.com.
A reply to this message is not necessary. If you have any further
inquiries or comments, please contact us via our webform at
http://extweb.discovery.com/ViewerRelations. Thank you again for
expressing your interest in our programming.
Sincerely,
Viewer Relations
Discovery Networks ~
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
btw Mike, any chance you could add a spell checker to this thing?
September 7, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Just kick me, please. I thought the original idea was sort of tongue in cheek but the description of Hokkaido was so technically correct that I thought it was a real proposal…or is it?
I lord, I’m confused. I love this whole proposed scenario regardless. I just came across the original thread today.
Anyway, I just saw several of the detracting videos busting MVW and some other posts poking fun at Survivorman. Oh well, as I posted on Discovery forums, thus is the illusion of television.
Oh well, I still enjoy both programs as entertainment as I did from the beginning, and they do give some seemingly good advice about surviving in a variety of hostile environments.
AND please continue this “competition.” Can’t wait to see who wins.
September 8, 2007 at 2:38 pm
This is funny because you put Bear sleeping in the cabin… when… actually… Bear found a cabin and left it. However… Les found one, slept in it and cooked in it during the dog sled episode. You know… the one where he brought nothing but an axe, a rifle, a saw, matches, etc.
September 30, 2007 at 9:17 pm
les is by himself, bear is not whats the problem?I think les would out survive bear anywhere.
October 12, 2007 at 7:35 pm
I think Les is the better man hands down. Bear is a whimp….. come on hotel room?
Les may get a little help, but he does what is needed to make ends meet, just like we all would.
I know I would do the same
Les is the man
October 17, 2007 at 12:02 am
bear is the man and everyone knows it
October 19, 2007 at 1:40 am
les actually survives, and tells you exactly that. bear pretends to survive and actually doesnt. bear may have had objections to what they made him do for his show, but les made his own show. les didnt have to worry about other people putting safety first. les makes mistakes, and often tells you that he DIDNT put safety first. les may carry a sattelite phone for an emergency, but bear has a camera crew to help him. also… if you have seen survivorman you can see that les stroud gets absolutely amazing camera angles sometimes. that means he put the camera somewhere he thought would be cool, and then had to travel across the camera’s field of vision, but also went back for the camera before he kept going. hes estimated that 65% of his time is spent “filming” the rest is for survival. bear has other people filming for him, thus giving him 24 hours (should he choose to not stay in a hotel) to survive. les stroud would destroy bear in any survival contest.
October 25, 2007 at 7:19 pm
I think Bear would win, because Les would be frustrated setting his camera gear up all over.
October 29, 2007 at 11:18 am
So, I guess we aren’t going to get any more of the survive-off? That’s a pity.
October 29, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Barb: the Survive-Off will continue, I guarantee it. Day Three will come out this week. Many apologies for the delay.
November 4, 2007 at 9:40 pm
I just one thing to say…. even though bear has a camera crew that has alot of s$!t , les carries everything in his huge A$$ back pack of his …it just seems to me that bear is smarter he has peaple carrying all the stuff instead of carry it all him self.(no wonder les can’t climb)
November 4, 2007 at 10:45 pm
who cares if bear stayed in a hotel? all that means is that he found his way back to civilization a little earlier than expected and he still needed more footage.
November 19, 2007 at 4:20 pm
umm bear never actually makes it to civiization. He just walks supposedly toward icivlaizzation then they tuen off the cmaeras and pick him up with a helicopter. Stroud actually amkes his way out finds a road and hitchhikes etc. bear could be 1000 miles from any where (or actually lying about his location and in a park or about 5 miles from town, i mean you can see cars go by sometimes) adn you would vever now ecause he doesnt make it out
January 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Man, that was halarious! Even better than day one.
January 21, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Any update on Day Three and above? I just recently found this, and it is HILARIOUS! I am firmly in the ‘Les’ camp, but this is a very funny take on the foibles of both men.
Also, if you are interested in seeing an actual example of Bear’s duplicity, check this link out:
http://www.filecabi.net/video/file-749939847.html
January 21, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Day Three has been posted (see the top of the page, it has all the “survive-off” updates), and day four will be up soon.
February 27, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Hey man, this is pretty good stuff…. Please keep it coming, I’m sending this link to my friends!
March 21, 2008 at 10:10 pm
So yeah i wanna read day 3….
March 22, 2008 at 8:51 am
Day 3:
http://digitalheadbutt.wordpress.com/2007/11/29/grylls-vs-stroud-the-survive-off-day-three/