Norway Bracing For Hostile Takeover Attempt From Liverpool Fans

For the next six days and possibly beyond, the federal government of Norway has declared a national state of emergency. The nation fears that at an attempt at their sovereignty may come from Liverpool FC fans in the wake of countryman John Arne Riise’s own goal for the Reds in the first leg of their 119th consecutive UEFA Champions League semifinal matchup against Chelsea (1:15 mark).

The Norwegian Defense Force has been mobilized and is now in full force patrolling the country’s coast, airports, and border with Sweden. The government has made public their fears about the size and organization of Liverpool fans, and how ugly their response could be should Riise’s own goal in extra time ultimately become the goal that keeps the Premier League side from Moscow.

“Right now we’re preparing for the worst”, said Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg. “If there’s too much cheap beer flowing in northern England on the 30th and Liverpool stays out of the final by that one goal, retaliation against our people would be a near certainty.”

When asked about his government’s plan to slow down the potential onsluaght, Stoltenberg said: “At that point the only way we could stop them would be with a strategic supply of poisons at choke points. That means fried Snickers bars in Glasgow, Thorramatur from Iceland in Copenhagen, plastic marijuana leaves in Amsterdam, and ocular herpes in Hamburg. We hope that will weaken them enough that the Lutefisk on our shores will incapacitate them and end the threat.”

He added his worst case scenario. “Of course, we have no idea to what extent, or even if this plan will work. We could be just kidding ourselves. They eat the cuisine of Northern England; they may as well be vultures. My point is, that’s pretty much the only viable option we have. This is the same fanbase who may become the first group to completely overthrow an American capitalistic system. Meanwhile, two heroin junkies from Bergen with a pistol and a Jetta station wagon stumbled out of an Oslo museum with The Scream. If 70,000 determined hooligans make it to our shores, we’re pretty much screwed. At this point, I’m just hoping Avram Grant doesn’t show up in the aftermath looking for fresh brains.”

Riise could not be reached for comment, but we’re guessing he’s hiding out in Bill Buckner’s Idaho ranch right about now. So if you’re a Reds fan in the western US with nothing better to do, go…TP his hideout or something.

UPDATE (4/24): When even the UK-wide sports announcers lose it upon sight of the own goal, Norway is in it deep.

Brandon Jennings: Hero of the McDonalds All-American Game

Not because of his performance (which was impressive in itself), but because of this:

 That’s right, one future college point guard is determined to bring back the high fade. Brandon Jennings, a 6-2 point guard who will play for Arizona next season, showed up to the McDonald’s all American game with the eraser hair you see in the picture above. This phenomenon was remarkable in that it is the first time I actually remember something that happened at a McDonald’s All-American game. Sure, he’s phenomenal player. Sure, he’s a youtube idol from the powerhouse Oak Hill Academy. Sure, he had 12 points, nine assists, and could have had more if the rest of his team were paying attention. But who cares! He’s bringing back the hi-top! If he keeps this look and if someone can talk Jerryd Bayless to stay in Tuscon a little longer, the Wildcats will be one of my favorite teams to watch next season.

NCAA Tournament Live Blog on Storming The Floor

Just to let you know, I’ll be live-blogging the 7:00 and 9:30 sessions of NCAA Tournament Day 2 action over on Storming the Floor. See you there.

Simplifying the Madness: Last Minute NCAA Tournament Bracket Ideas for 2008

THE NIGHTMARE SITUATION: It’s 11:00 am on Thursday. You’re in an NCAA Tournament pool, but you haven’t had the time to even look at the bracket, much less fill it out. And you have less than an hour to make sense of a sheet of paper and condense an entire season of college basketball you haven’t watched into 63 decisions. And did we mention you have less than an hour?

Fret not. We’re here to help. Just ask yourself this question:

What do you want to do in relation to your bracket pool?

Seems very easy to answer, doesn’t it? Not so fast. While your conscious reaction is “I wanna win!”, something deep inside you may tell you something else. Perhaps you want your bracket to be unique. Perhaps you want to call the upset that no one dared to predict. Just a little something to inflate your ego. Or, maybe you’re just in the pool to have a little fun, and watch the faces of your co-workers squirm, as they, who care deeply about college basketball, have their brackets trumped by someone who put something together in the eleventh hour.

Whatever the case may be, there’s a bracket for you.

1. “I just want to win”

You have pure capitalism or bragging rights in mind. You just need to win your office pool.

Solution: Go Chalk.

Most of the other members of your pool are likely to try some crazy method of predicting every last upset. When all of the crazy methods are taken, most of what usually remains is rational. Those top seeds are at the top for a reason. Since the expansion of the tournament to 64 teams, at least one #1 seed has reached the final four every year. Usually, it’s around two.

Strategy: Pick the two #1 seeds you think are the strongest and let them pass to the Final Four. From the two other regions, pick one top seed to exit in the Sweet 16 and one to exit in the Elite 8, and allow a seed between #2 and #5 to win the region. Then pick one or two upsets in the 5/12 and 6/11 matchups, flip a coin for the 7/10s and the 8/9s, and take the favorites in the remaining first round matchups, and fill the rest of the bracket at your whim. Chances are that you won’t be far off.

2. “I want to call the upset”

You need to show off some basketball “knowledge”. You need to predict the upset that no one saw coming.

Solution: Calculate your Upset.

Let us first make one thing clear 8/9 and 7/10 matchups are far too close to be considered upsets. At the same time, 2/15 and 1/16 upsets are too statistically implausible. However, you can typically count on the underdog to win 3-5 of the 3/14, 4/13, 5/12, and 6/11 matchups. For the latter rounds, one of the 6 seeds will always beat a 3, and at least one 2 seed usually gets taken down by a 7 or 10 seed every year.

Strategy: Take from this pool…

#11 Kansas State: Michael Beasley may be the best player in college basketball.

#11 St. Joseph’s: Their coach is experienced, and they had to beat #3 seeded Xavier twice in 2 weeks to earn an at-large bid.

#11 Baylor: Their opponent, Purdue, is inexperienced and from a weaker conference.

#12 Villanova: See Baylor. Their point guard, Scottie Reynolds, is crucial to success.

#12 Western Kentucky: talented team going up against high-seeded mid-major.

#12 Temple: Atlantic 10 Champions, and Michigan State has underachieved in recent tournaments.

#13 Winthrop: Both Winthrop and their opponents play slow; this game will be close no matter what.

#13 Oral Roberts: ORU is not new to this stage, and Pitt may let down after the Big East tournament.

#13 San Diego: Won the West Coast Conference, who brought 3 teams to the tourney.

#14 Georgia: Hey, they’ve come this far.

Choose 3-4 of these Cinderellas and season to taste in the first round. After that, pick a couple of #2 seeds to go down in the second round.

3. “I want to have fun”.

The tournament is a roller coaster. You just want to be along for the ride.

Solution: Get creative.

Or in the case of time limitations, let other people be creative for you. Take a cue from Storming the Floor, and decide by which mascot would win in a fight. You can pick completely at random for all that anyone cares. No one can ever truly predict these things; it has largely to do with luck. However, remember to keep luck on your side. In almost all brackets, all of the 1 seeds and half of the 2 and 3 seeds should make the Sweet 16. After that, go crazy. Who knows, you might even win.

Strategy: There is no strategy. Just wing it, have fun, sit back, and enjoy the four most chaotic days in sports.

Manu Ginobili Combover Watch

I haven’t watched much of the NBA this year. My knowledge only goes as far as this: The Celtics are back, there are only two good teams in the east, the top 9 teams in the west are within about 6 games of each other, the Bobcats are still “too young” to be any good, and the Shaq trade to Phoenix was terrible. And really, that’s all I would really need to know.

However, watching a bit of a Spurs-Nuggets game made something abundantly clear to me: Manu Ginobili is going to get a combover before he retires.

The writing is on the wall. It has now become painfully obvious that Ginobili has male-pattern baldness. During the Nuggets game, one could see it from space. Here’s a sample of what he’s up against, and trust me, this picture is kind:

Photo: AP/Eric Gay

Right now we’re looking at a man in denial. Manu seems to have no intention of embracing the inevitable and shaving his head. He is far too proud of his locks, or rather the locks he once had, to do that.

But there will come a day when that spot on his head becomes far too big to ignore. On that day he must choose between accepting his fate…and making one last desperate move. I have almost no doubt that he will choose the latter.

Now that we’ve established that the combover is going to happen, all that’s left do do is speculate. What’s the over/under on when we will see it? What will it look like? How long will he try to keep it up? The possibilities could be endless.

We Have Found Benny Lava

He was apparently a composer for the Mickey Mouse Club. Which, when you watch the video, kind of makes sense.